More Reverb10

16) Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

...I still don't know how to answer this one. Most of my revelations -- at least the good ones -- came from people I don't know.

17) Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

This one is supposed to be about a good lesson. What did I learn this year? Don't trust.

18) Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

There is no try, only do.

(...seriously, guys. Seriously?)

19) Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

What healing I've done has mostly been on my own. Sohbet House has helped; Loiosh and Chocolate and even Samson have helped. But most of it has been me, most of it has been just sheer dogged 'I have no choice' jury-rigged rough stitches.

So much of this is coming out far grimmer than I feel, than I've felt for maybe the last month or so. I really am doing okay. Moment to moment, day to day, I'm doing pretty well. But thinking back over the year? There was a lot of suck. There was a lot of grim. There was a lot of hurt. There's a lot still there, buried under layers of recovery and scarring, that I'll be digging out for a long time. You don't heal this level of betrayal this quickly. But little by little, I am getting truly _better_.

This exercise, though, this bit of reminiscing if you will, is really allowing a lot of the anger and hurt and pain to come out and express itself, though. This is a good thing. But painful to go through. Painful to watch as well, I'm sure. Hang in there. It does get better.

20) Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Right now the only thing I can think of is getting my damn business license moved to Tennessee from Colorado. I really need to get off my ass and make that happen.

Lots of things I'd've liked to be able to avoid I had thrown in my face, though.

21) Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

...I, uh.

I've _never_ been good at this.

I don't know where I'll be in five years. I can imagine, sort of, I can plan, I can guess, but I don't know, so how can I write what I'd say to my current self?

Me from ten years ago: Yes, you _can_ get out. Yes, he _is_ abusive. Yes, what he's doing is _not_ right. No, it is _not_ your fault, and you do _not_ deserve it. Pick yourself up and fly free.

Also, be sure to be at that SCA event in June 2008 so you can get Loiosh from Aldyth, no matter what else is going on.

22) Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

How did I travel? A lot. All over. With Loiosh. Joyously. Not enough. Next year? More.

23) New name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

My name is Kate. I've already chosen it; I see no need to change it.

24) Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

When I wake up in the morning, in the sun, with my Chocolate snuggled up next to me purring, I know it's gonna be okay.

25) Photo. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

The one someone took and Andrea's wedding, of me and Loiosh, both looking contemplative. Me in green blouse and with my hair partly down, Loiosh with a blue bow and his paw draped protectively, possessively, comfortably over my shoulder. My Momma. My baby boy.



26) Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Near everything I've eaten at Sohbet House, though I don't agree with some of their diet choices. Many of the things I've cooked for my mom this week, which have been tasty and have also shown that at least part of my cooking anxiety is cooking for people who are good cooks -- having been married to a man who 'knew' I couldn't cook, with a mother who 'knew' that nobody she wasn't related to could cook, has kinda made me a little nervous about cooking for people who know what they're doing.

Cooking for my mom, though? Easy. Fun. Tasty. Enjoyable. She likes what I make. She eats it, appreciates it, enjoys it. It's a happiness.

...and I think I've run out. I'll leave a few questions for later. And I'll post ... well, after I get home I guess, it'll be the new year but oh well. Won't have access up at Aunt Ann's. Which is fine. This isn't easy for me and I don't mind a break at all.

It's been a good trip. Probably the easiest visit I've had with my mom and my sister in years. There are still difficulties -- there are going to be. I'm so profoundly different. And, frankly, my mom at least is so profoundly unhappy. I want t help but she doesn't think it can get better, so it just gets on her nerves.

I can't help unless she wants to make it better. I know this. But I want to help.

Post-Christmas snow

So my mom and I are snowed in. This is not near as bad as it could be, since it seems that we have finally learned how to hang out with each other without too much misunderstanding going on. Mostly.

Loiosh is being completely pestiferous (he's bored) and I may duct-tape him to something.

My sister got me a webcam. Whee! We're trying to get it figured out. Have I mentioned I hate having my picture taken and also don't like talking over anything like a phone?

But I have a nephew now, and I do want to see him grow up. So...yeah.

LOOK TWO DAYS IN A ROW

I am perhaps tired and also a little punchy. On the road for eight hours today, more or less, on the way up to PA to visit the family for the first time in far too long.

Did some more reverb10 writing. It's a little disjointed. By which I mean a lot. Kinda raw. But here it is.

--

9) Party

I, uhh.

I know I went to a party or two this year.

There was the one where Loiosh ate so much of Aldyth's steak that he couldn't sit down around his belly.

There was the Halloween party at Sohbet House.

I think there was a party at Andro's.

...it wasn't a good year for parties. I guess.

10) Wisdom.

Wise decisions?

I made a lot of dumb ones, in the beginning of the year.

I made some very necessary ones through the middle. Most of those were a clear matter of 'least sucky' though.

I guess moving to Tennessee. It's been good for me.

I don't know. Today is a tough one for thinking I've done well, I guess, though it's been a good _day_, as such.

11) 11 things

1 - Fear
2 - Debt
3 - Excess stuff (not much of that left, but there's still some).
4 - ...

I don't know. I've already gotten rid of so much. I've already _lost_ so much.

12) Body Integration

What is this I don't even.

13) Action

Driving the rest of the way to my mom's tomorrow.

...this is larger than it seems. Some of my important things ( and some of the reasons for the Bus Project) are interaction and connection, and travel for the purpose of same. Driving north to see my blood family for the first time in a year and a half -- and my nephew for the first time EVER -- is way, way a part of that.

It was SO so nice to get on the road today. I love my roommates and I love where I live -- don't get me wrong. But getting in the car -- just me and Loiosh -- and driving, going where _I_ wanted, on very little schedule but my own...that was awesome.

It was time to GO.

Soon it'll be really, really time to go.

(Must remember to actually post about the Bus Project.)

14) Appreciate

One thing?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAyeah.

My friends.

My cats.

My own resilience.

My Aunt Ann.

My friend Dani.

I guess those last two come under 'friends' but.

Whatever.

15) 5 minutes.

There was this guy. And he fucked me over when I was pretty vulnerable. Then my friends saved my ass. The end.

16) ...

Yeah, I'm maybe not in quite the right place to be doing these tonight. I might try some of them again tomorrow. But right now, I'm just flinging words at the screen without really thinking about it.

Which has its value, don't get me wrong, but this is supposed to be contemplative, not brainstorm-ey. So I dunno, whatever.

Reverb10

So I've decided to open up a lot more on my shop blog. There's a certain amount of 'instead of here' implied there, I think. I don't know. I don't see posting the same thing in both places. That doesn't make sense. But there's still stuff I don't feel safe sharing on my shop blog, so maybe there's still a space for this one. Although frankly my heart hasn't been here for well over a year now.

But then...my heart hasn't been much of anywhere, when it comes to writing, for well over a year now.

I don't know.

In the meantime, I just found Reverb10 and have decided to use it as a guide for reviewing the last year. It's been a hell of a year and no mistake, and I thought that I could maybe use a little help in processing it all.

I wrote a little over 750 words on it today -- answering the first 8 prompts. I kind of wish I'd started at the beginning of the month, though I don't think I was in quite the right place for it then either, so I don't know. But just the little bit I wrote today helped me figure a couple of things out. So here, I'll share it, in all its raw, unedited glory.

--

1) One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Simplify.

It's not quite the right word, but I don't know of a word that encapsulates it all. Deliberately and not. Planned and not. Gentle simplifications, like taking a few shirts I never wear and putting them into the pile to go to the Salvation Army. Painful, traumatic ones like getting dumped and moving from home to Tennessee. I've been stripping away everything but the bare essentials. Paring away the unnecessary. Peeling away everything that doesn't help me be me. Shearing off the things I don't need.

It's kinda sucked.

A lot.

But I'm better for it, in the end. I'm lighter. I'm more focused. I'm...tighter? My things are closer around me (and by 'things' I mostly don't mean _things_) since now I have so few of them that there's space for them all.

Next year at this time? A single word.

I don't know. I want to continue paying down debts. That's a big one; it's a weight. I want to keep working for Dani, cos it's money and also it's _awesome_. I want to keep building Om Shanti Handcrafts. I want to blog more. I want to ...

...

...there it is. Open. I want to open up. I want to be more _me_, now that I've simplified enough, lightened enough, that I can begin to know who that is.

2) Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

What's been getting in the way of it? All the crap I've shed in the last year. And the depression. And the things-not-being-set-up-right. Cos I got my desk set up, with my desktop on it, and blogs started happening immediately. All of that is dealt with, or at least in the process of being dealt with, and now there's just the 'I don't know what to write', a lot of which is rooted in 'I'm afraid to write', so it's just a matter of continuing to shed the fear.

Which is another thing I simplified away last year -- or began to -- even with all the excitement, I'm less _afraid_.

3) Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

After some thought I've got to go with walking barefoot in the field across the road from Rich and Bri's. It was morning, still turning from cool to warm, dry Colorado breeze caressing, sun warming, grass still cool against my feet. Little scent to the air in the dry, that time of year. But I walked from light to shadow and back and felt the grass change from warm and dry, to cool and damp still with dew, to dry and warm and tickly again as I walked.

It says something, I think, that my clearest one dates back to over six months ago. I need to be in the moment again. I need to live there.

4) Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By paying attention. By looking, smelling, listening. By being.

5) Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Tim. A future. Hopes. A life. A love. My heart. My plans. Colorado. Mountains. Security.

6) Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

A batch of cafe mocha soap, yesterday. I melted the soap in two turns through the microwave, stirred in the honey halfway through. Measured out the flavouring, spooned in coffee ground until it looked right. Stirred and stirred and stirred, patient. Kept the grounds stirred in instead of settling to the bottom.

You need to pay close attention as it cools -- it'll go from liquid to almost a gel very quickly, and you need to pour it at just the right time. Too soon, and the coffee grounds settle to the bottom. Too late, and it's too think and won't pour right.

I caught it at just the right time. The soap is a beautiful even tan, with the grounds scattered through. I wrapped it up today and it's sitting, waiting to be sold.

7) Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Sohbet House. Waya's family. The local Etsy people. The local SCA people. Just the beginnings of community, with the latter, but it's there.

Twitter (after giving up twice). Hot Glue Media.

I'm still not getting too close to anyone. It'll be a while, I think, before I feel safe doing that again. If I walk alone for a while, though, it's okay. I have plenty of people to walk with for a bit along the way.

8) Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

My relationship with cats. My simplicity. My sense of smell. My slightly compulsive way of making popcorn. My not giving much of a shit what people think.

More tomorrow.

Hahahaha yeah, cos _that_ totally worked.

So yeah. I'm in Tennessee now. With friends. It's all good. Slowly recovering, by which I mean actually getting better. Got a job working online for a friend. Loiosh has craptastic manners when it comes to cats he doesn't know. Hoping to write more? Not gonna guarantee anything, cos hahahaha yeah.

But I'm not dead, and I'm still here, and that kinda counts, right?

Thought Questions

Started doing these over at my LJ, figured I'd carry them over to here as well. Questions posted daily at ThoughtQuestions.com.

Paying the bills. The challenge of marketing. Serving my customers. New scents, new products. Blogging (though obviously not recently). Getting to see my friends at shows (and half the places I buy ingredients). Getting to take Loiosh out. Making batches of five different things at once, and keeping track of them all. Writing. The joy of organizing things.

Long-Belated Update

It's been a while since I've posted about myself. For a month or two it's because I was busy with work, and because I was slowly improving, and there's not a lot of news there. But the last few weeks, it's been because I've been sliding back downhill, and didn't have the energy to say anything.

Depression is not a simple thing. It's not like the flu or something, where you're miserable for a while, and then you start feeling better, and soon enough you're okay again. It's something I fight every day, just to get up in the morning, just to do my daily Etsy item renewal and Facebook posts. And the last few weeks that fight has been very hard.

I've kept going because I don't feel that I have a lot of choices otherwise. Even with the very low rent I'm paying here I'm still having trouble meeting expenses, and if I let up, I won't be able to do so at all. I'm taking time off, don't fear, and I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's hard when nothing I usually enjoy is any fun at all.

I haven't been able to do near as much online promoting as usual and July's online sales have reflected that. I'm glad I did as well as I did at the SCA events I sold at, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it through the month. There are several in August as well, so I should be okay, but in September they start getting sparse again, so I need to kick up my online presence, and to be honest I don't entirely remember how.

I know I used to spend six to eight hours a day online, working on the shop, promoting things, and I don't even remember what I spent all that time doing. I renew items every weekday and post them to Facebook, and sometimes I have the energy for a blog post, and that's about it. It doesn't take a lot of time and then I'm back to reading blogs and staring into space and trying to think what else I can do.

It's not all bad news -- I'm on a new medication, which should start helping within another week or so -- but right now it's hard to really believe it gets better. So have patience with me; I'm working on it.

Sorry for the babbling, and thanks for listening.

It's been busy...

...real busy. No pictures, cos the basement still looks more or less like it did a week and a half ago. There's been some slow improvement, but not much.

Finishing moving out sucked. It always does, of course, but extra-specially. I tried not to look across the street to Tim's too often but it was hard. I just have such anger, and such a profound feeling of betrayal.

Had a friend show up to help on the last day. Which was Thursday -- several days left before the end of the month -- but last weekend was Crossroads, a big SCA event, and I wanted to drop the keys off Friday and get on site and set up. I'd carefully arranged things so all that was left in the old place was the stuff for the event, so we emptied the apartment and got me packed for the event all at the same time. Thanks Savina! Seriously, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

I didn't clean the place. At all. I had no energy left. I've heard from several people that the company pretty much doesn't return security deposits anyway, so what the hell, you know?

...and every time I've mentioned this fact to folks, they reply with some variant of 'But that's illegal!'. Yep. And this company rents to poor people, often immigrants, and the heck are we going to afford a lawyer even if we had any trust in the US justice system at all? Hahahaha yeah, right.

So anyway, woke up Friday planning to go to the event and my body said NO. Given it'd been...well, since before the Bad Day that I'd had a break, I could be behind this. So I putzed around, got a few small things done, did an errand or two including returning the keys (yay less weight!), and in general found out that I'm not ready for Days Off yet -- I get to thinking. So I'm not sure how the hell to handle that. I need them, but they really don't help other than physically.

Blech. That'll get better, I know, but right now it's cranky-making. I want to be able to nap, sit and read a book, just go and laze in the sun, and mostly that just makes things worse. (I can read for a while if I'm careful though.) Too Much Thinking.

I know I need to process it all, but right now I'm keeping it to small doses so I'm not overwhelmed. And mostly at my therapist's office.

He's so new he squeaks. And cute, too, which doesn't hurt. But I think he's gonna work okay. We'll see. I have no issue asking for someone else if he doesn't.

So anyway, I get to Crossroads elevenish and start setting up. There were already about five merchants there and I think I missed the morning rush -- it was quiet the rest of the weekend and I made about half of what I'd hoped. So up come the money worries again, argh, HATES THEM WE DO.

Other than that I had...well, there were dark times, and there was crying, and saying 'I had a good time' is overly optimistic and kind of dismisses the pain that's still definitely there. But there were good moments, too, and there was a bit of laughing from time to time, and I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in way, way too long.

Home Monday and right back out to a picnic. There were several people I didn't know and I kind of retreated into staring but whatever, I hadn't slept well for two nights so I'll live.

Money's looking somewhat better with a couple of biggish orders from friends so I might survive June after all. Starting in July there are a lot more events so I should be okay with money for a while I hope.

I _know_, in my head, that the money will turn out to be okay -- my expenses have plummeted and the business _is_ building. But I don't believe it yet, and I worry and worry. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while.

Blah blah blabber. That's how it goes though.

From chaos...

...comes order.





Moving went well yesterday -- much thanks to Bri, Grellan, Mel, Frost, Claire, Kat, and Savina. Only we forgot to actually carry the loveseat out! Well, I have a couple more days.

There's a little left (there always is) plus a bunch of things for the event this weekend. I didn't see any use in moving them, then putting them right back in the car, so I'm packing them last.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster -- crashing lows to near-normalcy. I hope things smooth out. Today started well -- I got the above-pictured shelves put together -- but the afternoon got really tough and I had to slog through packing kitchen stuff at the old place. Starting to worry about having enough boxes, too.

Sale's over as of tonight. Went really well, and I even got a last-minute sale or two. Good thing -- it's paying the bills. Money's still tight, but what's new?

At least I have my Loiosh (currently helping with the typing).

Really belated thanks

to Madpriest for putting his vast readership to work offering prayers. My apologies for taking so long to get round to this post.

Friday

Cribbed from my shop blog, cos I totally have the energy to do two posts only not.



Just don't have the energy for a feature post this week. I've been packing and moving and taking things apart and basically wedging my entire life into a box, and unlike every other move in my life I don't even have the excitement of something awesome to look forward to on the other side. It's a nice enough place, and the people are great, and it's just not at all what I wanted.

I just want it done. The big move is Sunday and I don't have a lot of help lined up -- I hope a few people pop up at the last moment. I'm worried about that, but I'm worried about everything these days so that should come as no surprise.

I've also been busy with the sale and that is some unmitigated good news -- the sale has gone wonderfully, with both regular and new customers buying quite a lot. I'll have to do a lot of production once I'm unpacked to get my stock back up -- and that's perfect, exactly what I wanted. Things have died down a little but I plan to continue the sale through the weekend, so there's still a chance to save money. It really is time to get ready for spring, too, with bug stuff and sunburn stuff and all that.

Yesterday was a really hard day. The phone woke me up, and even at my best being woken up like that will generally throw me off for an hour or two. Then I had religious proselytizers pounding on the door -- and I mean pounding -- until I didn't feel safe leaving my office. And so it continued; I was frazzled and scared and unfocused until I found a friend to talk to online, and then I was most okay until it was time to leave for the intake thing.

Which went well, but I cried a lot during the private part. The news was very good -- I already have my first appointment with a therapist. I'm very impressed with how they run things, so far, and I'm hopeful they'll be able to help me out. Good overall, but very stressful, and by the time I was done, I was done. Shaky, anxious, hungry, all I wanted to do was eat something, take an anti-anxiety med and go to bed.

It was, like, five, so that was right out. And my friend Dwen was coming over to help pack and take things apart, so I just had to hang on.

So I did. I managed to eat something, tried to read a book. Tried sitting at the computer. Tried doing a little packing, meditation, finally gave up and took a pill; still shaky and riding the edge of a panic attack.

Found another friend online to talk to. I swear, human contact is the best thing ever. She kindly stayed with me until Dwen showed up, and after that I was too busy to worry -- we got the bed, one of the tables, and the big Ikea shelves taken apart, and I got a lot of general packing done, too. Which at least ended the day on an up note. I'll take it.

Two weeks in

I dreamt, last night, that I went to visit him in his new place, just to talk, to see him again. He talked about thinking about how he wanted to integrate me back into his life -- as a friend; we have both (in real life) talked about eventually becoming friends again.

And then, in the dream, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me gently, and then just held me.

And then I woke up.

Getting up this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Thursday.

Woke up shaky. Did my leg lifts, ate a couple of nuts, trying to get the metabolism up. Indifferent success -- still shaky a couple hours later.

Got a bunch more stuff moved last night. Some of it was moving stuff out of Tim's. That was...painful. So many good memories, and they all hurt now.

Opened up an email he'd sent me a month or two ago about a big upcoming SCA event I need to register for. First two words were 'Morning love!'. Almost broke me again.

So much pain.

--

Just had to go have a cry. Not a good cry -- you feel better after those.

--

I'm having a sale in my shop. Somehow even without having to pay an exorbitant rent I seem to still not have enough money. Well, I haven't had a lot of spare energy to do much with it, so that should come as no surprise, but I'm still broke.

This _will_ get better. It has to. I can't keep up with days like this.

Tuesday

Today's better than yesterday. Okay, that's not saying so much, I guess, but there it is.

Hung on until I could go over to Bri's. Actually got a couple boxes in the car, and then back out on the other side -- so something accomplished anyway. Watched the new Star Trek for the second time in three days, watched Sahara. Had popcorn. Talked to Bri.

The physical weakness is secondary to the depression itself -- apparently my metabolism drops into the toilet -- so I'm okay to push myself physically, some, as long as I don't overdo it. This is useful information, because I really had lost faith in my ability to judge my own limits.

Emotionally, she says that as long as I'm not withdrawing entirely, or spending the whole day in bed repeatedly, I should stay in my comfort zone, and not try to push myself there. I'm okay with this. I'm having a hard enough time getting through without pushing myself to try to deal with things I'm not ready for yet.

I should do a bit of exercise as soon as I get up -- leg lifts is what she suggested and what I did -- to try to bump up my metabolism. And eat as soon as I can after getting up, and not simple-carb-processed-sugar crap like I have been. I find logic in this; fortunately I have some good cereal around, for as long as it lasts.

I don't know if this is taking effect already, or if I was just due for a better day than yesterday. I'll take it though.

Very concerned about where I'm going to live after my initial grace period at Bri and Rich's is up. I'm not sure why -- I have a couple of offers -- but there it is. I suspect part of it, after last week, is the worry that once again someone will change their mind at the last minute and I'll be screwed. I'm going to be working through that one for a while.

I was hoping to go to fighter practice tonight -- seeing people would be good -- but the weather is craptastic so once again I'm heading over to Rich & Bri's for the evening. Might stay over there. Might not. One step at a time.

I did dishes today. Made a quesadilla _and_ ate it. Got an order ready to ship out. Did some job-related online stuff -- posted in my shop blog, commented in a few places, stuff I usually do daily but haven't had the energy or focus to do for weeks. Not calling this a turnaround but it's certainly a step.

Going to put some things in the car and then head out. Overall a pretty fruitful day. May tomorrow hold together as well -- we'll see.

It's almost a week later, and sometimes I hurt so bad I can't see straight.

I'm going to be moving in with some friends for a while -- I can't afford to live on my own any more, and it's going to be a while before I have the energy for more than bare-bones day-to-day running of the business. I have an order I should have shipped out last Thursday sitting on my desk still, because I haven't been capable of driving the half-mile to the post office to ship it (fortunately the customer is patient).

I packed a box today. It took about an hour of 'pack for a minute, sit down for ten'. I can barely walk at times. I shake near constantly.

I can't get into the mental health center until the 20th. I need to hang on until then.

I never imagined there could be this much pain in the world.

It's only partly the fact that in the end he chose Ray. That hurts -- I thought I meant more to him than that -- but what really hurts, what really tells me I can't trust him, is that he changed his mind.

I was worried, after his first choice. He felt distant, odd, and I worried that he'd change his mind. But I told myself, no, he's a man of his word; he wouldn't _do_ that to me.

And then he did.

How can there be this much pain?

--

I need to move by the end of the month. In fact, I need to be moved before then -- the last weekend of the month is a big SCA event that I need to sell at, so I have money to pay my bills, to pay the (thankfully small) rent at the place I'll be moving to. So the big moving day will be the 23rd, and I need to be packed by then.

Today, I've packed one box. This isn't a packing rate that's going to get me done by then.

But I can't move. I can barely walk today. I made it out to the car and back once, and I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again.

I have been smashed down to absolutely nothing and I don't know how to rebuild -- I'm not sure there's enough of me left to rebuild _with_. Pushing myself in the slightest leads to near-collapse. Trying to rest leads to thinking...and right now thinking hurts too bad.

I'm grateful for my friends -- my true friends. I'm finding out who they are, and there are a lot of them who are doing a lot to help take care of me.

I'm grateful for my cats. I don't know if I'd've lasted this long without them. Loiosh has clung even closer to me than usual, and so has Chocolate, when I'm home. I try not to think where I'd be without them.

--

Andro took me out for a while yesterday -- to the garden center, then to his place to work on his garden a little and watch a movie, then out for sushi. There were a few times I almost felt happy, and I'm trying to cling to that memory now. It's very hard, though; today is the sort of day where I don't see the possibility of ever being happy again.

I know, rationally, that it'll get better. I'm not giving up. But right now it's so hard...so hard.

Pray for me...

I'm barely hanging on.

Only not.

This will be brief and disjointed. I am broken. Devastated.

I realized that I could not be happy with sharing Tim...that I needed to be with him, or over him. That, as I told him, he had to choose.

Deep in the depths of despair, asking God to let him avoid this cup, he chose me...and then, three days later, rescinded his choice.

Now all three of us are hurt -- Ray isn't sure he wants Tim back, Tim know he's hurt both of us, and I am...broken, devastated.

How can this be okay? How can the three of us, trying to do the best we could, have hurt each other and ourselves so very much?

Settling Down part II: Or, A Resolution of Sorts

I haven't been posting a lot, and for that I apologize. My brain, as I said yesterday, has been kinda full; and I've had issues sitting at the forefront of my mind that I couldn't talk about, but were big enough that nothing else could wiggle out past them.

Over the long, cold winter I realized that I simply cannot afford to live by myself. The business is growing, but not fast enough, and I need to share expenses somewhere.

I didn't have a whole lot of options, either. I couldn't move in with Tim -- Ray was adamant that he didn't want me living with them (and to be honest I wasn't thrilled with the idea either), and since Ray can't live on his own, that meant that he couldn't move out for me to move in unless he went back to Kentucky to live with his parents.

I didn't want to find a roommate -- I'm rather picky about who I share space with, and I was extremely doubtful that I could find someone who wouldn't immediately drive me nuts. I do have some friends in Tennessee who I could probably live with for a while -- really awesome folks, too -- but it's not a part of the world I'd want to live in, and I don't know the local SCA folks who are a large part of my income, and it's humid

Or, I could move back in with my mom. Positives: Familiar part of the world, and I have a lot of customers and potential customers there. Negatives: The East Coast. Humidity. My mom. I love her lots and lots, but she doesn't understand why I don't take the easy way out and just be like her and my sister. (I think it doesn't occur to either of them that I'm just like my dad -- he was a guy, after all, and I'm a girl so I have to be different, and I should probably stop that rant right there before I get annoying.)

...so yeah. I gently explained to Tim what was going on, thus basically putting him into a position where he was gonna hafta pick between me and Ray. Which I hated, but what was I gonna do?

He didn't want to. Well, who would? I don't understand his attraction to Ray but it's definitely there. And so far as either one of us could see, he was going to lose one of us.

And I waited on tenterhooks for someone else to make a decision that would affect the entire course of the rest of my life Can I tell you how much I hated that?

...yeah.

As it turns out, Tim has talked to Ray, Ray has talked to me, and we're all moving in together. Probably even buying a place. It means I get more time with Tim, and it means that money isn't near the worry that it's been, and it means that I don't have to move back in with my Mom.

It also means that Tim's decision is still down the road somewhere. And that I have to live with Ray, and his not cleaning, and his emo days, and his not doing anything most of the time.

I've told Tim that I will not help him carry Ray. I've also told him that he should stop carrying Ray, that Ray will never grow up unless he's given reason to, and who would grow up if everything they need and want is simply provided them without effort? But there's nothing I can do there other than advise.

But I'm not doing his laundry or cleaning up his messes.

...I'm trying to look on this positively. Ray has improved somewhat. He's had some realizations that he really does have to take some responsibility for his life. He's started taking art and sculpture classes and found his passion -- and is slowly realizing that he doesn't suck at it. (By which I mean anyone else, even 'I'm no monkey but I know what I like' me, can see that he has amazing potential.) He is, in other words, finally using his talent, not just burying it in a field somewhere.

...we shall see. We're negotiating ways where I will not have to deal with Ray's messes. If his room and his workroom are a pit, I don't care, as long as they're not so bad that something might fall on the cats. I just want to live somewhere reasonably tidy, and not because I'm doing all the cleaning.

We've already worked out how to keep him from eating his way through all of my little treats and lunches and leftovers. We've decided that everyone will be responsible for their own laundry, so that I don't have to wash his underwear just to get a clean bra or two. We're working on ways for him to carry his own weight, which I, frankly, think will be about the best thing in the world for him -- along with the sculpture.

And I think in the end it'll turn out okay. I'm not sure how it'll turn out -- Ray might drift off elsewhere, leaving me happily with Tim; I might get tired of waiting, or the wanderlust might set in, and I might sell them my part of the house and set off in an old school bus or converted horse trailer or the like. Tim might actually choose one of us. Heck, we might all live happily ever after together -- who knows?

A house, a home; settling down.

This post does a good job of expressing something I've been thinking about for a while now.

Two thoughts collide and conflict in my mind. One is that I love travelling -- I love putting Loiosh's harness on, packing the last few things into the car, and going. The wind in my hair, singing along to the radio, waving for truck drivers to blow their big airhorns -- driving through Winslow, Albuquerque, Cheyenne, Nashville. New lands, new people, a new world to wake up to every morning.

The other is that I'm almost the hell forty, and it's time to settle down. Time to stop moving from one apartment to another, never quite unpacking, never quite sure what's going on next. Time for a house, a garden, a home, somewhere that's mine. Time to put down roots.

Collide and conflict they do, these thoughts, don't they? Unless. Unless.

Unless I work up the nerve, the courage, and (let's face it) the money to go on the road. To boondock, become a gypsy. To carry my home with me, like a snail with its shell.

(I'm all with the cliches today, aren't I? Well...and with reason. Everything I'm talking about reaches way down into the archetypes we all carry within us, that define us. Who hasn't, at least once in their childhood, wanted to run away to join the circus?)

Indeed, at times I've felt that this might be a part of my calling from God. I can see myself a priest -- but I can't see myself going to the same building every Sunday morning, greeting the same congregation, going through the same routine. For the folks who need that, it's available, but for those who need something else...not so much.

Call me the Epistle to the Weird. I see myself doing Mass in city parks, at rest stops, at craft shows before the masses show up. In RV parks and national parks, faire parking lots and SCA events. For the people who won't go into a church, the ones who are convinced they won't be welcome (and who are all too often right), and the ones who hadn't ever considered the idea.

I see being able to visit my mom more than once every couple of years -- in fact, being able to visit most of the people I know far more often than I do now. Being able to have my Chocolate-kitty with me all the time, not just when I'm home. Not having to shut down the online shop when I'm on the road, or ask people to keep an eye on it for me -- because I'll always be able to create new products, to pack and ship them from wherever I am. To be able to do shows all across the country.

At the same time...

I see that garden. I see a house in an old, well-established neighborhood where I can get to know the neighbors and live there for the rest of my life. I see birdhouses and trellises and maybe a couple of chickens. Hanging plants in the windows, a small craft room with a sewing machine and a stack of fabric bins, a well-stocked library.

A place where I can spend the rest of my life with Tim.

...and I just don't know.

More tomorrow, along with a resolution (of sorts) that I know Mother Laura at least has been waiting to hear about for like two weeks. Sorry! Brain's been kinda full.

Episcopal Priest Barbie

...I am NOT kidding.

The Rev. Barbie was created by the Rev. Julie Blake Fisher for a friend, the Rev. Dena Cleaver-Bartholomew, as a gift to celebrate Rev. Dena being called to her first parish.

I'm torn between OMG AWESOME and being a little grumpy about the unrealistic expectations Barbie always brings with her. I mean, not even priests usually manage to look like that, and they're quite as vulnerable to society's views on beauty as the rest of us.

But...minor quibble, cos I think in this case the Rev. Barbie (of St. Barbara’s-by-the-Sea in Malibu) is far more likely to inspire women to investigate a call to the priesthood than make us angst about our appearance. And anyway, she's right with me from a liturgical and ritual standpoint -- she even comes with a miniature thurible!

So I'm gonna come down on the side of Rev. Barbie being SERIOUSLY AWESOME, and now I kinda want one to play with too.

Another one...

The blog of a sister parish to the ECC church I go to. Specifically, in this case, allow me to link you to this lovely poem by Fr. David Kenney of the Church of St. Augustine. Allow me to excerpt...

While I plotted my revenge on
the latest offenders,
who had jolted me
or jilted me
or joked about me
or jammed me up
something terrible,
and while I devoted hours
of consciousness to
ruminating about
their ruin,
God noticed that my
conscience was tweaked,
and my heart was not
entirely
given over to this resentment,

and God smiled.

...I'm terribly fond of this guy already.

Pointing out...

...that Tim now has a blog:

Following the Voice Within

...and, in his inimitable manner, has started posting stuff worth reading.

Y'all have a look.

I am so tired of being alone.