Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Settling Down part II: Or, A Resolution of Sorts

I haven't been posting a lot, and for that I apologize. My brain, as I said yesterday, has been kinda full; and I've had issues sitting at the forefront of my mind that I couldn't talk about, but were big enough that nothing else could wiggle out past them.

Over the long, cold winter I realized that I simply cannot afford to live by myself. The business is growing, but not fast enough, and I need to share expenses somewhere.

I didn't have a whole lot of options, either. I couldn't move in with Tim -- Ray was adamant that he didn't want me living with them (and to be honest I wasn't thrilled with the idea either), and since Ray can't live on his own, that meant that he couldn't move out for me to move in unless he went back to Kentucky to live with his parents.

I didn't want to find a roommate -- I'm rather picky about who I share space with, and I was extremely doubtful that I could find someone who wouldn't immediately drive me nuts. I do have some friends in Tennessee who I could probably live with for a while -- really awesome folks, too -- but it's not a part of the world I'd want to live in, and I don't know the local SCA folks who are a large part of my income, and it's humid

Or, I could move back in with my mom. Positives: Familiar part of the world, and I have a lot of customers and potential customers there. Negatives: The East Coast. Humidity. My mom. I love her lots and lots, but she doesn't understand why I don't take the easy way out and just be like her and my sister. (I think it doesn't occur to either of them that I'm just like my dad -- he was a guy, after all, and I'm a girl so I have to be different, and I should probably stop that rant right there before I get annoying.) yeah. I gently explained to Tim what was going on, thus basically putting him into a position where he was gonna hafta pick between me and Ray. Which I hated, but what was I gonna do?

He didn't want to. Well, who would? I don't understand his attraction to Ray but it's definitely there. And so far as either one of us could see, he was going to lose one of us.

And I waited on tenterhooks for someone else to make a decision that would affect the entire course of the rest of my life Can I tell you how much I hated that?


As it turns out, Tim has talked to Ray, Ray has talked to me, and we're all moving in together. Probably even buying a place. It means I get more time with Tim, and it means that money isn't near the worry that it's been, and it means that I don't have to move back in with my Mom.

It also means that Tim's decision is still down the road somewhere. And that I have to live with Ray, and his not cleaning, and his emo days, and his not doing anything most of the time.

I've told Tim that I will not help him carry Ray. I've also told him that he should stop carrying Ray, that Ray will never grow up unless he's given reason to, and who would grow up if everything they need and want is simply provided them without effort? But there's nothing I can do there other than advise.

But I'm not doing his laundry or cleaning up his messes.

...I'm trying to look on this positively. Ray has improved somewhat. He's had some realizations that he really does have to take some responsibility for his life. He's started taking art and sculpture classes and found his passion -- and is slowly realizing that he doesn't suck at it. (By which I mean anyone else, even 'I'm no monkey but I know what I like' me, can see that he has amazing potential.) He is, in other words, finally using his talent, not just burying it in a field somewhere.

...we shall see. We're negotiating ways where I will not have to deal with Ray's messes. If his room and his workroom are a pit, I don't care, as long as they're not so bad that something might fall on the cats. I just want to live somewhere reasonably tidy, and not because I'm doing all the cleaning.

We've already worked out how to keep him from eating his way through all of my little treats and lunches and leftovers. We've decided that everyone will be responsible for their own laundry, so that I don't have to wash his underwear just to get a clean bra or two. We're working on ways for him to carry his own weight, which I, frankly, think will be about the best thing in the world for him -- along with the sculpture.

And I think in the end it'll turn out okay. I'm not sure how it'll turn out -- Ray might drift off elsewhere, leaving me happily with Tim; I might get tired of waiting, or the wanderlust might set in, and I might sell them my part of the house and set off in an old school bus or converted horse trailer or the like. Tim might actually choose one of us. Heck, we might all live happily ever after together -- who knows?

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