Thursday, June 3, 2010

It's been busy...

...real busy. No pictures, cos the basement still looks more or less like it did a week and a half ago. There's been some slow improvement, but not much.

Finishing moving out sucked. It always does, of course, but extra-specially. I tried not to look across the street to Tim's too often but it was hard. I just have such anger, and such a profound feeling of betrayal.

Had a friend show up to help on the last day. Which was Thursday -- several days left before the end of the month -- but last weekend was Crossroads, a big SCA event, and I wanted to drop the keys off Friday and get on site and set up. I'd carefully arranged things so all that was left in the old place was the stuff for the event, so we emptied the apartment and got me packed for the event all at the same time. Thanks Savina! Seriously, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

I didn't clean the place. At all. I had no energy left. I've heard from several people that the company pretty much doesn't return security deposits anyway, so what the hell, you know?

...and every time I've mentioned this fact to folks, they reply with some variant of 'But that's illegal!'. Yep. And this company rents to poor people, often immigrants, and the heck are we going to afford a lawyer even if we had any trust in the US justice system at all? Hahahaha yeah, right.

So anyway, woke up Friday planning to go to the event and my body said NO. Given it'd been...well, since before the Bad Day that I'd had a break, I could be behind this. So I putzed around, got a few small things done, did an errand or two including returning the keys (yay less weight!), and in general found out that I'm not ready for Days Off yet -- I get to thinking. So I'm not sure how the hell to handle that. I need them, but they really don't help other than physically.

Blech. That'll get better, I know, but right now it's cranky-making. I want to be able to nap, sit and read a book, just go and laze in the sun, and mostly that just makes things worse. (I can read for a while if I'm careful though.) Too Much Thinking.

I know I need to process it all, but right now I'm keeping it to small doses so I'm not overwhelmed. And mostly at my therapist's office.

He's so new he squeaks. And cute, too, which doesn't hurt. But I think he's gonna work okay. We'll see. I have no issue asking for someone else if he doesn't.

So anyway, I get to Crossroads elevenish and start setting up. There were already about five merchants there and I think I missed the morning rush -- it was quiet the rest of the weekend and I made about half of what I'd hoped. So up come the money worries again, argh, HATES THEM WE DO.

Other than that I had...well, there were dark times, and there was crying, and saying 'I had a good time' is overly optimistic and kind of dismisses the pain that's still definitely there. But there were good moments, too, and there was a bit of laughing from time to time, and I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in way, way too long.

Home Monday and right back out to a picnic. There were several people I didn't know and I kind of retreated into staring but whatever, I hadn't slept well for two nights so I'll live.

Money's looking somewhat better with a couple of biggish orders from friends so I might survive June after all. Starting in July there are a lot more events so I should be okay with money for a while I hope.

I _know_, in my head, that the money will turn out to be okay -- my expenses have plummeted and the business _is_ building. But I don't believe it yet, and I worry and worry. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while.

Blah blah blabber. That's how it goes though.


Bishop Gregory Godsey said...

I am praying for you. It will get better and I am confident everything will work out. I am sorry to hear about all the issues you have been through. I had been reading your blog for a while, but lost touch for a few months.

If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to contact me.



Kate said...

Thank you +Gregory -- for your kind words and your prayers. I'm doing a little better now than I was when I posted this and should probably update. It continues busy, but I don't see that as a bad thing. Thank you for stopping by and be well.