Tuesday, December 28, 2010

More Reverb10

16) Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

...I still don't know how to answer this one. Most of my revelations -- at least the good ones -- came from people I don't know.

17) Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

This one is supposed to be about a good lesson. What did I learn this year? Don't trust.

18) Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

There is no try, only do.

(...seriously, guys. Seriously?)

19) Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

What healing I've done has mostly been on my own. Sohbet House has helped; Loiosh and Chocolate and even Samson have helped. But most of it has been me, most of it has been just sheer dogged 'I have no choice' jury-rigged rough stitches.

So much of this is coming out far grimmer than I feel, than I've felt for maybe the last month or so. I really am doing okay. Moment to moment, day to day, I'm doing pretty well. But thinking back over the year? There was a lot of suck. There was a lot of grim. There was a lot of hurt. There's a lot still there, buried under layers of recovery and scarring, that I'll be digging out for a long time. You don't heal this level of betrayal this quickly. But little by little, I am getting truly _better_.

This exercise, though, this bit of reminiscing if you will, is really allowing a lot of the anger and hurt and pain to come out and express itself, though. This is a good thing. But painful to go through. Painful to watch as well, I'm sure. Hang in there. It does get better.

20) Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Right now the only thing I can think of is getting my damn business license moved to Tennessee from Colorado. I really need to get off my ass and make that happen.

Lots of things I'd've liked to be able to avoid I had thrown in my face, though.

21) Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

...I, uh.

I've _never_ been good at this.

I don't know where I'll be in five years. I can imagine, sort of, I can plan, I can guess, but I don't know, so how can I write what I'd say to my current self?

Me from ten years ago: Yes, you _can_ get out. Yes, he _is_ abusive. Yes, what he's doing is _not_ right. No, it is _not_ your fault, and you do _not_ deserve it. Pick yourself up and fly free.

Also, be sure to be at that SCA event in June 2008 so you can get Loiosh from Aldyth, no matter what else is going on.

22) Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

How did I travel? A lot. All over. With Loiosh. Joyously. Not enough. Next year? More.

23) New name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

My name is Kate. I've already chosen it; I see no need to change it.

24) Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

When I wake up in the morning, in the sun, with my Chocolate snuggled up next to me purring, I know it's gonna be okay.

25) Photo. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

The one someone took and Andrea's wedding, of me and Loiosh, both looking contemplative. Me in green blouse and with my hair partly down, Loiosh with a blue bow and his paw draped protectively, possessively, comfortably over my shoulder. My Momma. My baby boy.

26) Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Near everything I've eaten at Sohbet House, though I don't agree with some of their diet choices. Many of the things I've cooked for my mom this week, which have been tasty and have also shown that at least part of my cooking anxiety is cooking for people who are good cooks -- having been married to a man who 'knew' I couldn't cook, with a mother who 'knew' that nobody she wasn't related to could cook, has kinda made me a little nervous about cooking for people who know what they're doing.

Cooking for my mom, though? Easy. Fun. Tasty. Enjoyable. She likes what I make. She eats it, appreciates it, enjoys it. It's a happiness.

...and I think I've run out. I'll leave a few questions for later. And I'll post ... well, after I get home I guess, it'll be the new year but oh well. Won't have access up at Aunt Ann's. Which is fine. This isn't easy for me and I don't mind a break at all.

It's been a good trip. Probably the easiest visit I've had with my mom and my sister in years. There are still difficulties -- there are going to be. I'm so profoundly different. And, frankly, my mom at least is so profoundly unhappy. I want t help but she doesn't think it can get better, so it just gets on her nerves.

I can't help unless she wants to make it better. I know this. But I want to help.

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