It's almost a week later, and sometimes I hurt so bad I can't see straight.

I'm going to be moving in with some friends for a while -- I can't afford to live on my own any more, and it's going to be a while before I have the energy for more than bare-bones day-to-day running of the business. I have an order I should have shipped out last Thursday sitting on my desk still, because I haven't been capable of driving the half-mile to the post office to ship it (fortunately the customer is patient).

I packed a box today. It took about an hour of 'pack for a minute, sit down for ten'. I can barely walk at times. I shake near constantly.

I can't get into the mental health center until the 20th. I need to hang on until then.

I never imagined there could be this much pain in the world.

It's only partly the fact that in the end he chose Ray. That hurts -- I thought I meant more to him than that -- but what really hurts, what really tells me I can't trust him, is that he changed his mind.

I was worried, after his first choice. He felt distant, odd, and I worried that he'd change his mind. But I told myself, no, he's a man of his word; he wouldn't _do_ that to me.

And then he did.

How can there be this much pain?

--

I need to move by the end of the month. In fact, I need to be moved before then -- the last weekend of the month is a big SCA event that I need to sell at, so I have money to pay my bills, to pay the (thankfully small) rent at the place I'll be moving to. So the big moving day will be the 23rd, and I need to be packed by then.

Today, I've packed one box. This isn't a packing rate that's going to get me done by then.

But I can't move. I can barely walk today. I made it out to the car and back once, and I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again.

I have been smashed down to absolutely nothing and I don't know how to rebuild -- I'm not sure there's enough of me left to rebuild _with_. Pushing myself in the slightest leads to near-collapse. Trying to rest leads to thinking...and right now thinking hurts too bad.

I'm grateful for my friends -- my true friends. I'm finding out who they are, and there are a lot of them who are doing a lot to help take care of me.

I'm grateful for my cats. I don't know if I'd've lasted this long without them. Loiosh has clung even closer to me than usual, and so has Chocolate, when I'm home. I try not to think where I'd be without them.

--

Andro took me out for a while yesterday -- to the garden center, then to his place to work on his garden a little and watch a movie, then out for sushi. There were a few times I almost felt happy, and I'm trying to cling to that memory now. It's very hard, though; today is the sort of day where I don't see the possibility of ever being happy again.

I know, rationally, that it'll get better. I'm not giving up. But right now it's so hard...so hard.