Monday, May 10, 2010

It's almost a week later, and sometimes I hurt so bad I can't see straight.

I'm going to be moving in with some friends for a while -- I can't afford to live on my own any more, and it's going to be a while before I have the energy for more than bare-bones day-to-day running of the business. I have an order I should have shipped out last Thursday sitting on my desk still, because I haven't been capable of driving the half-mile to the post office to ship it (fortunately the customer is patient).

I packed a box today. It took about an hour of 'pack for a minute, sit down for ten'. I can barely walk at times. I shake near constantly.

I can't get into the mental health center until the 20th. I need to hang on until then.

I never imagined there could be this much pain in the world.

It's only partly the fact that in the end he chose Ray. That hurts -- I thought I meant more to him than that -- but what really hurts, what really tells me I can't trust him, is that he changed his mind.

I was worried, after his first choice. He felt distant, odd, and I worried that he'd change his mind. But I told myself, no, he's a man of his word; he wouldn't _do_ that to me.

And then he did.

How can there be this much pain?

--

I need to move by the end of the month. In fact, I need to be moved before then -- the last weekend of the month is a big SCA event that I need to sell at, so I have money to pay my bills, to pay the (thankfully small) rent at the place I'll be moving to. So the big moving day will be the 23rd, and I need to be packed by then.

Today, I've packed one box. This isn't a packing rate that's going to get me done by then.

But I can't move. I can barely walk today. I made it out to the car and back once, and I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again.

I have been smashed down to absolutely nothing and I don't know how to rebuild -- I'm not sure there's enough of me left to rebuild _with_. Pushing myself in the slightest leads to near-collapse. Trying to rest leads to thinking...and right now thinking hurts too bad.

I'm grateful for my friends -- my true friends. I'm finding out who they are, and there are a lot of them who are doing a lot to help take care of me.

I'm grateful for my cats. I don't know if I'd've lasted this long without them. Loiosh has clung even closer to me than usual, and so has Chocolate, when I'm home. I try not to think where I'd be without them.

--

Andro took me out for a while yesterday -- to the garden center, then to his place to work on his garden a little and watch a movie, then out for sushi. There were a few times I almost felt happy, and I'm trying to cling to that memory now. It's very hard, though; today is the sort of day where I don't see the possibility of ever being happy again.

I know, rationally, that it'll get better. I'm not giving up. But right now it's so hard...so hard.

8 comments:

Rae Trigg said...

I wish we didn't live so far away. If there is anything we can do at all, please let us know. *Many hugs*

Kate said...

I have so many people I wish I were closer to -- alas, they're all over the world mostly. But there's a pretty good concentration in your part of the world, and if I weren't so sure I'd be unhappy again on the east coast...

Thank you, hun. I'm hanging in there -- ending the day on a bit of an up note, and trying to cling to it.

Kate said...

I have so many people I wish I were closer to -- alas, they're all over the world mostly. But there's a pretty good concentration in your part of the world, and if I weren't so sure I'd be unhappy again on the east coast...

Thank you, hun. I'm hanging in there -- ending the day on a bit of an up note, and trying to cling to it.

Sophia said...

I wish I lived close enough to come and pray together and help you pack....So glad you have good people there, and all over, to rely on. You are amazing and this isn't about you, though I know it feels that way right now.

Thank you for letting us walk with you through this as you have lovingly supported so many of us.

HilbertAstronaut said...

If you can't do anything else, just keep talking to us, knowing that we're here, even if we're physically far away. *hugs*

Dani said...

I wish we were closer, babe, for hugs and help packing and stuff. And while I know we're east coasters (well, soon to be westerly east coasters, if there is such a thing), we're here if you need anything at all.

Kate said...

You guys rock with great, ongoing rocking. Today's been better -- I got more done, too -- and I hope to get through a lot tomorrow, too. We shall see!

regine735 said...

Just one state over and I wish that there was more to do than say that I'm here for you and praying that things will get better soon.

Hugs --