Gnk.

Somehow I haven't posted since September.

I still have a place to live, by the grace of God (and Tim, to whom I now owe a largish sum of money). Sales are growing and I can see that someday I'll be making more than I spend every month -- and that that's not going to happen for probably six months yet, not on a regular basis.

I'm still poking at the discernment process. Sometimes, I'll admit, with a stick. So's Tim. In interesting ways.

I still have Loiosh the Wonder Cat. Or he has me. Not sure which some days (other days, I admit who runs the place, and it ain't me).

Somehow it's pretty easy to admit that God's in charge of everything when I've already admitted that the cat runs the house. I figure God at least has thumbs. Or divine equivalent.

Tired. Punchy. Occasionally crying for no apparent reason, frequently when I walk into church. The congregation's getting a little worried about me. Want to know what they can do, and it doesn't seem an appropriate time to say 'please buy my stuff' even though about half of what I need to be okay is enough money to live on.

I don't _want_ to be rich. Just a little less poor. (Okay, enough whining.)

It's been insanely cold but I'm keeping the bedroom window cracked (my apartment has ridiculously good insulation so even with that the heat is only occasionally on). Between that and the mullein tincture I take once a week or so I almost never have to use my inhaler any more. Which is good, cos the thing costs about $175 for what they laughingly call a month's worth, and yeah, I can pay that HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have I mentioned I've been watching the health care debate closely? Doesn't look like it's gonna help me any though.

Still thinking about moving to Canada, where even people who aren't rich can go to the doctor. Oh, but I said enough whining...

Been off of my antidepressants for two weeks now. Yeah, I can tell, but no, I'm not in a slough of despond. I think I'm gonna make it without them this time. I _know_ the depression is situational, not chemical, so I _know_ it can be done, it's just a matter of getting the situation (and my coping mechanisms) set up right.

I don't _like_ having to take medication. I do it anyway, when the alternatives are far worse, but I don't _like_ it.

Decided I'm sick of The Belly and none of my clothes fitting. I can buy new clothes -- which cost money -- or I can lose weight, which is free (and, in fact, requires less money spent on food). I'm going this by cutting my overall food intake some, cutting back my snacking a bunch, walking to the post office when it's above 20F or so, and occasionally skipping meals. The last part isn't deliberate but I get a little busy with work some days. So far, about a pound a week for the last couple weeks, which is exactly where I want to be. Feeling a little better already and the exercise helps my mood a _lot_, but as cold as it's looking to be I won't be walking much for a while (seriously, a high of 21F today).

Yeah, I _could_ walk to the post office, but jeez-o-PETE and also no. Once I have a little money I might join the local rec center, which I think isn't too insanely expensive, and also they have an AWESOME pool. And a climbing wall. And a steam room and a sauna. And all the usual amenities too.

Ahh, well. Someday. In the meantime, I shall do what I can. And really, with all the hauling of heavy crap I do for craft shows, why am I not already buff?

Anyway, not dead, surviving, all will be well.

This one I like...

10 ways to enjoy doing nothing

We could all use a little of that. Except maybe the bit with the ukulele.

Insurance Jive

Watch this:



Then go here and do something about it.

A little reality...

...with your mythologizing.

Myth: Canada's government decides who gets health care and when they get it. While HMOs and other private medical insurers in the U.S. do indeed make such decisions, the only people in Canada to do so are physicians. In Canada, the government has absolutely no say in who gets care or how they get it. Medical decisions are left entirely up to doctors, as they should be.

There are no requirements for pre-authorization whatsoever. If your family doctor says you need an MRI, you get one. In the U.S., if an insurance administrator says you are not getting an MRI, you don't get one no matter what your doctor thinks — unless, of course, you have the money to cover the cost.

This and seven other myths about the Canadian health care system debunked at the Denver Post. Go ye forth and read. And tell me again why the American health system is so great?

Fascinating...

...and infuriating.

An interview with Wendell Potter, formerly a high-level PR guy with Cigna. Among other things he discusses the company's plans to discredit and defuse both Michael Moore's 'Sicko' and the controversy over Nataline Sarkisyan's liver transplant -- which didn't happen, because even though the doctors said she needed one, Cigna said she didn't.

What really got me is the number of politicians parroting the industry's words. They'll say things like 'The government will be standing between you and your doctor', when right now, it's for-profit insurance companies standing between you and your doctor. I ain't a huge fan of the government's efficiency and compassion but they've got to do a better job than some bureaucrat whose job is to make his investors more money.

Go, and see what the enemy is saying. Go, and read what we're standing against. And go, and read the story of a man who realized what he was doing was wrong, and what he's doing about it.

This is...

I am sad.

Disgusted.

Scared, for myself and for everyone else in the US who doesn't have health insurance.

I've been following my friend Branwen's fight with cancer -- much expanded, now, with the discovery of both endometrial and ovarian cancers -- and mixed in with my pride in her strength and my concern for her well-being and considering shaving my head in solidarity (which I'm probably gonna wuss out on, but I'm still trying to talk myself into it) is this occasional, quiet, totally selfish thought:

If this happened to me, I would die.

Not because of any great difference in outlook, or strength, or my body versus hers, or anything like that.

Simply because I cannot afford health insurance.

And then today I was catching up on my blogs, and I saw this post by Wormwood's Doxy in which she tells the tale of a friend of hers, who got cancer, and died, because she didn't have health insurance.

Between the two, I have gone from being angry and frustrated at the United States' health system (but only when I'm reminded of it), to FURIOUS.

HOW can anyone consider this right?

I can only hope that the vast majority of people who support the current system are doing so simply because they haven't thought it through.

I'd rail further, but Doxy (as she so often does) did an awesome job of ranting for me, and there's really not a lot I can add.

Yeah, I needed this...

A wonderful post by Rev. Dr. Kate:

You can't save all the starfish...can you?

In the You Could Have It Worse department...

My dear friend Branwen has been dealing with health issues for a while, and on top of everything _else_ has just found out she has cervical cancer.

So to heck with me. Send your prayers her way; she needs em bad. Mother Laura, if I could request a mass?

Thanks.

Time. Brains.

Been a lot going on, most of which I haven't been talking about.

Been going to church again. This is a goodness. I've needed it.

On the other hand, it's shown me how little spirituality I manage to weave into the rest of my life. I look at those of you who even attempt daily prayer with envy. I get good intentions every once in a while, and they usually don't last the day. I _really_ need community of one sort or another to have a proper spiritual life, it seems.

Which is why it is _so_ very silly of me to fail to read my Godbloggers for a month straight, for which I must apologize. I've fallen off the face of the earth and it's not a good thing. :/

I'm not sure where Tim and I am, mostly because, I think, Tim and Ray aren't sure where they are, and are spending a lot of time working it out. I've been giving them space -- which is hard sometimes, and easier at others. I'm enjoying all the alone-time but it leaves me very uncertain of my relationships with them.

Money still isn't great, though it's not as bad as it was. I just keep breathing and keep making soap.

Just feeling...unsettled. Up in the air. Not sure where I'm going. Feeling a call to some sort of ministry -- and definitely to those who aren't welcome elsewhere -- but still not sure what form that'd take, though I do have the image of offering Sunday morning mass at SCA camping events, which is amusing if nothing else. I wonder if I'd get any takers?

Hm...camper. Cat. Travelling the country selling soap and offering mass at campgrounds and parks all over.

Must contemplate.

In the meantime, I have been neglecting y'all, and if any of you are still reading, I apologize. (Okay, I apologize anyway.) I intend to try to get more involved again -- y'all have helped me through a lot of journeying, and it'd be foolish to lose you now!

My friends, they rock.

I have the awesomest friends on the planet.

After some discussion, Mer made me a musical composition. She's not sure it counts as a prayer, but I'm convinced.

Many of my friends have bought things, told their friends to buy things, or both. I ain't rolling in money but I made the rent and I'm surviving.

Another friend helped me sign up to sell Worm Factories, which are composters that don't smell and that will happily replace your shredder in addition to turning your veggie scraps into nummy nummy compost. About which more later, cos it's vaguely possible someone here might buy one (I will be, once I have moneys).

And a whole bunch of my friends -- and you know who you are -- have kindly come up with about 345,5368,34576,23 ideas for new soaps. Because apparently I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH DIFFERENT SOAPS ALREADY.

So in a while there'll be a lot of new soaps.

And lastly, Dani sent me a picture of her cat Boo with a muppet on her head.



I have awesome friends. :)

The week

• Monday,as you may recall, I had a good solid freakout about money.
• Tuesday, I found someone randomly badmouthing my soaps on a friend's journal. Note that this is someone who's never even _seen_ one of my soaps.
• Wednesday I found out that said badmouther also makes soap herself. Hello, badmouthing the competition!
• Thursday I got an IM from a friend who wanted help catching her dog. Turns out she's moved to El Paso with no warning, the dog got out while she was packing, and she LEFT ANYWAY.
• Friday I rescued said dog from the pound. Did I mention she's ten months old, _not_ fixed, _no_ shots, very little training, and spent most of her time alone in the back yard? And while I like dogs, it's been a long week.
• This morning I woke up to find my LICENSE PLATES HAD BEEN STOLEN.

I've brought in a bunch of money and some new customers. I have politely replied to said random badmouther and discredited her. I have taken the dog to the home of a friend who does a lot of fostering, and I have an idea of someone who might adopt her -- because she is NOT going back to the woman who 'owned' her before. And I have called the police about the license plates.

And now, I am taking the rest of the day off. For it is Loiosh's first birthday, and I want to spend the day with my kitten.

Help

...I'm still bad at asking for it.

I am about the hell out of money. I'm working my butt off, and I'm just not selling enough of my things to make it.

I...I have hesitated to ask for help, whether prayers or 'buy my stuff' because I greatly fear that people will advise me that starting my own business is foolishness, that I need to give up and look for a job.

This is what I'm supposed to be doing. I can feel it. I love it. I work my butt off, I don't get enough sleep, I have no money and my back hurts, but I love it. I couldn't bear to leave it.

And...the last time I went looking for a job, the best thing -- the _only_ thing -- I could find was working at Walmart. Which was unmitigated horrible, and was killing me. More literally than one might think.

In this job market, why should I hope to find anything better?

And...I don't want a job. I don't want to work for anyone else, ever again. The mere thought makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know if I could

At least now I know it's not because I'm afraid of work, or don't want to. Manifestly I can work. Manifestly I want to.

Just doing my thing.

Am I spoiled, to want to do that? Am I asking too much?

I don't know.

Pray for me, please.

Easter!

Christ is risen! Alleluia!

Monday

• Got my old radio/CD player fixed, a task which has been quietly weighing on me for over a year. Yes, there's still a guy in town who does this. And it cost me less than the radio did originally, thank you.
• Have been slowly taking more things to thrift stores, resulting in a general reduction of Crap.
• Have still not found a taker for the futon. Tim might want it; if not, it goes to the local furniture consignment place, and at least it's out of my way.
• Was totally spoiled by having Tim all to myself for two weeks. Am whiny now. Want my Tim. Yeah, I still have him, but I have to share him again and I'm greedy.
• Palm Sunday service was...wow. Light of Christ (my teeny ECC community) combined with Bethlehem Lutheran (whose building we share) for a really wonderful combined thing. I'd never seen anything like an actual Passion Play at all. I guess the church I grew up in was too staid for them? It really gripped me.
• Still have the palm frond. Though it's in Tim's car, as otherwise Loiosh will eat it.
• Mood plummeted shortly after Church Sunday and has been iffy since. Most of today was good, with abrupt plunge round about 4:30.
• Took all the Mardi Gras masks off my wall. Mardi Gras is over! No, really, I liked them for a while, but they got to just looking cluttered. Packed them neatly in a box, am contemplating keeping or finding homes.
• Did find new home for some of my jewelry -- a teeny-but-awesome local restaurant has given me a shelf's worth of space. They don't even take any of what I make off of any jewelry sold -- so if anything does sell I'll be making them a few pressies.
• Mice still adorable.
• Loiosh still insane.
• Kate still crabby. :P

Lent could end soon.

Fortunately, it will.

...yeah, it's Lent.

*curls up in a little ball and cries and cries*

Lent can end any time now. You hear me?

:P

...yeah, I see how it goes.

Lenten meditations and excitement? Nuthin.

Boobs? I get COMMENTS.

Well, it'll be BOOBS from now on!

(Love y'all!)

Apropos of nothing...

Mice in my bra.



Why are there mice in my bra? Because after the last incident, I felt that my bra was safer than a box while I was cleaning their cage.



Why am I posting about mice in my bra? Because there's been too much doom and gloom lately.



Also, Andrea asked.



Remember this: Mice in your bra? Tickle. A lot.

Lent. *mutter* *grumble*

Ok, so, remember this?

It's happening again.

Pls to stop, kthxbai!

Abundance

Abundance can be many things.

Last night, abundance was an all-you-can-eat sushi night.

I ate 456,8567689,35465,2345 pieces of sushi, and then spent the rest of the evening curled up into a little ball around my stomach.

It was AWESOME.

*yawn*

• Ray being away for a couple weeks, I got to spend the ENTIRE WEEKEND with my Tim. Decadence and bliss!
• His place is cleaner than it's been in a while.
• Mine, however? Not so much.
• But I spent a couple hours helping him sort through clothing, thence to get rid of a lot of it. Yay simplifying!
• Also, went wandering around Nederland, home of Frozen Dead Guy Day. I am not making this up.

So I'd decided on Prudence and Felicity, but still wasn't sure which was going to be which.

Okay, it's my own fault. I was cleaning their cage so had put them back into the little cardboard box they came home from the pet store in. I was mostly good and kept it next to me, only I was bad and left it in the kitchen for three seconds.

And came back in to Little Silver One huddled in the box, which was now open on the counter, and Loiosh chasing Little Black One around under the counter. During the interminable time it took for me to dive to the floor, he caught
her and I had to pry his mouth the hell open.

She's fine. Kinda startled, but fine.

*whew*

I think they've made their naming preferences clear. Also, next time their cage is getting cleaned they're spending the drying time in my BRA.

Next up, more simplifying. As soon as I get someone to haul off this %^#$(%*^ futon couch already.

Ngk.

• Three out of three people have bailed on buying my futon couch so far. One was actually polite enough to call and let me know.
• Having fun sewing clothing that isn't SCA garb. I'll post pictures when it's done.
• Got a little unexpected money, enough to cover the 'net access bill. Yay!
• Still have to cover credit cards and rent. Yay. :P
• On the up side, my kitten loves his Momma.
• Inexplicable $600 was indeed a mistake. Damn.
• Have two shows coming up this month. Should help some.
• Trying to keep spirits up. Not doing so well. Keeping on trying anyways.
• Cos what the heck else am I gonna do?
  

Monday Lenten Blargh.

• Yeah, so, my snit? I'm over it. Mostly, anyway.
• I went to church yesterday. Tim's fault. It was AWESOME.
• Body still full of hating. Contemplating taking my sinuses out with a spoon.
• Futon couch should be going away today.
• However, I've been mostly FAIL at simplifying these last couple days. Trying to get back on track.
• While feeling physically and emotionally crappy. Old toxins coming out? Probably, which is good, but process=suck.
• New mice make Loiosh happy. And the other cats. This pleases me.
• Perpetua and Felicity it is. Now to decide which is which. And if it really matters to them.
• Ray came along to church. Surprised. Pleased. Not sure it _did_ anything for him, but I'll take it.
• That aside? Really no difference. Did I hope for any in just a couple days? Well, no. :/
• Playing too much Breakout. Can't convince myself not to.
• Broke. SRSLY. As in, tapping the dwindling reserves won't be enough this month unless I make more sales. This is disheartening and depressing, which makes it harder to work to get, y'know, more sales.
• Hoping the completely inexplicable $600 that showed up in my savings account, of all things, stays there. Not counting on it. If one of y'all cracked my account to put it there, thanks, but, er. Huh?
• CD rates currently lower than savings account rates. Huh?
• Mr. President, I could sure heck use a bailout.

*wanders off, grumbling vaguely*

I've been fighting depression for a long time. I've been there. I've done that.

So when someone who ISN'T EVEN TRYING tells me I can't POSSIBLY IMAGINE what he's going through, and then LIES TO ME?

I get pretty damned upset.

Cos I know...

...I'll get grumbled at if I don't.

They don't have names yet, so y'all hop to!

Lenten Catchup

Over the last few days I've:

• Found homes for my portable DVD player, spare futon, and TV, with appropriate returns of small moneys.
• Used some of said money to purchase a piece of furniture as part of the living room redo.
• Used other of said money to purchase a couple of mice. Alas, Algernon made the Long Trip while I was away; and while I was not heartbroken (sad, yes, but we hadn't bonded very much) Loiosh was devastated. He kept going over to the empty cage and crying, and when I took the cage apart to clean it, nosed through all the pieces looking for his mouse. So...yah.
• Took a crapton of the stuff I'd already sorted out to the Salvation Army -- in one trip in the car, yes, but it produced a chance to spend time with Tim. He'd been wanting to go, see, but kept putting it off because Ray wasn't ever in the mood, so I stuffed him in the car and off we went.
• Posted Yet More Stuff to Craigslist.

I also...

• Took Sunday completely off from simplifying to go hiking, thence to have dinner with Tim and a dear friend of ours. Ray didn't want to go, again, and I'm getting concerned about him...
• Closed a whole bunch of tabs in my Firefox browser, thus reducing the number of Things I was dealing with there.
• Went through a number of directories of old old files, and deleted a lot and reorganized the rest.
• Spent more time trying to teach the kitten Lay Down.
• Took a bunch of time off for feeling crappy.

Spending time with Tim (and, on Sunday, with Andro) was a goodness. He's putting together a new Serenity game, and we've been talking about that a lot; plus it's always good to get out into the outside and walk some.

I'm concerned about Ray, though. He...well...every time something changes (beginning of a new semester, visiting his parents, starting counselling again) he perks up for a couple weeks, but then he's right back down. Nothing seems to stick. Tim and I had high hopes for yoga this semester, and for a couple weeks...but then, nothin'. I really, really don't know how to help him help himself, and nothing seems to make a long-term difference.

Tim, on the other hand, is taking this Lent as an opportunity to do a lot of thinking. He's not having _fun_ with it, I'll assure you, but I think it's good for him. And he's expressed an interest in going to church with me, which will have the added side-benefit of getting _my_ butt back to church, too.

...I kinda wonder how Ray's going to feel about that. :/

Lent, Day 2

Yesterday I:

• Took a pile of books to mail away (on my bike!)
• Sold my coffee table, which...
• ...made enough space in my living room to rearrange it in a way that makes me happy.
• Cooked up a whole lot of spaghetti sauce, and froze most of it.
• Taught the kitten to 'sit' on command. Well, request. He _is_ a cat.

I also made two decisions -- both will wind up taking more of my _time_, but I feel that they'll simplify things nonetheless, and they're both things that are important to me.

• If I can accomplish X on my bike, I'm going to. Since there's now a thrift store within easy riding distance, this means I'll be taking all of that thrift store stuff over in five or six trips on the bike instead of one in the car -- more time, yes, but less pollution in the air, less wear on my car, less money for gas; and more exersice for me, more interacting with the world instead of just driving through it, more time to just _be_. The downside to this is that Loiosh can't (currently) come along with me, but I have some theories about that.
• I'm cutting (even more) processed food out of my life. Yes, this will mean more cooking; but it will also mean less money spent on processed food, less crap going into my body; and more intentional cooking _and_ eating, more healthy food around the house (since I always cook in ginormous batches), more time spent with friends (as I'm more likely to invite people over when I'm cooking -- see those ginormous batches).

In addition I've discovered one of those things that are important to me, that all the extraneous stuff in my life was covering up -- training Loiosh. In five sessions, totally maybe a half-hour, I've taught him to sit. Yes, a cat. To sit.

And he's come up to me repeatedly while I'm at the computer, and won't leave me alone until I do another training session. Yeah, he's in it for the treats and no mistake, but I think he also enjoys the attention, the learning, the praise. He's a smart cat and I suspect that he gets bored sometimes -- in fact I'm sure of it, the way he hollers at the front door.

This gives him something to learn, to think about, to do; and it gets him lots of lovins and praise. He's my good baby, after all, and he does love his momma. And I love him! And I love working with him, teaching him things.

I'll freely admit there's at least a bit of 'You taught your _cat_ to do what!?' in there, too, but I don't see anything wrong with that. ;)

Lent, Day 1

Yesterday I:

• Culled enough clothing out of my closet that I could fit the shelves of clothing in there as well, making a lot more space in my bedroom. Those clothes will go to a local thrift store.
• Packed a foot-high stack of books to be shipped off for cash.
• Sold my laptop backpack, unused for years.
• Added three bags of 'stuff' to the bags of clothing going to a thrift store, thus emptying a shelf in my office.
• Moved six or seven books from my shelves to the pile of books to be sold.

That's the physical stuff. On the 'making time' level I:

• Decided to stop playing Facebook games -- I'll use it to communicate, but using actual words, not sending karma or the like. (Nothing against the concept -- but I found it was eating time I could use elsewhere).
• Reduced the number of blogs I read, both here and on LJ.
• Deleted a bunch of games from my computer.
• Signed off of a couple of mailing lists.
• Took the rats to the Humane Society.

That last was a hard decision, and has been a long time coming. Too long, for them -- I simply wasn't giving them the time, attention, space they needed, no matter how often I promised myself (and them) that I would. Their cage was too small, not cleaned often enough; they didn't get enough time out, and certainly not enough time with me. And I felt bad about that, and it weighted on me.

They're getting lots of attention there, now, and I know they have a nice big cage to run around in. They'll find homes, or not -- if they spend the rest of their lives there, they'll be much happier than they were here. I know how well they treat animals at the local place.

I've lightened my load a lot, and I plan to lighten it a lot more -- I've got another 39 days to do it in, after all. Once I'm done the physical, there'll be a lot of emotional stuff to clear out, too. It'll be interesting, and probably painful, and I'm looking forward to it.

Lent

After a lot of waffling, I've decided this Lent, I'm simplifying.

I started before realizing it was the right thing to continue -- I packed up probably half of my clothing to go to the Salvation Army, and enough other stuff that the trunk of the car is full. I've been selling things on Craigslist. And I've decided I'm going to keep at it.

Not just physical stuff (though that'll be a lot of it). I want to pare things away in the rest of my life, too -- emotional, spiritual, things that take up time as well as space -- because that will, I hope, leave me with enough space left, and little enough to fill it, that I'll be able to set about figuring what's really important to me. Figuring who _I_ am again, because I've been kinda too busy to remember.

And, with luck and effort, leaving space in my life for God, cos I've kinda been failing at that part, a lot.

It's a good thing He doesn't give up on us easy.

So tell me...

Why is it bad to be a Mama's Boy but just fine to be a Daddy's Girl?

Wednesday Cat Update: Happiest Kitty Ever

He got his protective wrapping removed today, and boy is he happy. He's pretty much wandering around the house, tail up and ears forward, purring his fuzzy brains out. Interspersed with desperate washings of his now-exposed toes.

More here -- complete with pictures!

...I had a little rant.

It was be long. There was be shouting, profanity, and possibly blasphemy. You have been warned.

Wordless Wednesday

Loiosh, Tuesday

He goes in for surgery early this afternoon. I dropped him off this morning -- the first time I've ever seen him nervous in the car. Feeding off of his Momma, I'm guessing.

He will likely be getting five pins, three of which will come out in six weeks or so. I'll have to keep him at least somewhat confined for those six weeks. I have some ideas for how to arrange this.

I'm nervous. It's not a terribly difficult surgery, and the surgeon has plenty of experience (from both sides -- he's had both knees replaced) but anesthesia always makes me nervous. I can't wait to hear that he's okay.

He comes home tomorrow. This will be the second night we've spent apart. That's been one of the hardest things about this -- we've spent so much time together, we're so close. I'll be visiting him once he's out, if they'll let me.

I'm going to keep busy today. Just easier that way I think. And, well, there's a lot to get done.

I present you with another video:



And I will let y'all know when I hear anything.

Excitement No Endy. Can Stop Now.

Because no brain:

Short short version: Loiosh with broken leg. Surgery Tuesday to pin bones back together. Home on cage rest, being very good kitten except when he gets bored and tries to run around. Leg apparently not bothering him much as long as he doesn't put any weight on it. Horrible child.

More at the shop blog.

No brain.