Okay, folks, I think I might be going right over the edge here.
I was doing okay, I really was -- I told one person today in email that the sensitivity was easing to much more comfortable levels, and another that I felt like I was spending a bit of time between intense reflection and re-integration. I was in a quiet place, I had a bit of time to take a deep breath and stand back before things got exciting again.
I really should just shut up.
While idly reading blogs today I came across a really lovely Stations of the Cross liturgy written by Rainbow Pastor. It hit me like a very large rock., especially the little reflections at each station -- written from the point of view of a Roman soldier.
I took about ten minutes after I finished reading it to just hunch down in my chair at work and go, why? Why did you have to do it? Why didn't you just...you could have blasted them, or made them change their minds, forget, stop them somehow, and you let them...why? Why?
And then I wandered off to another blog, because my brain was full and I needed to let things ease a bit, but it didn't help, by the time I could head home from work (and thank God that Ray came along today, I made him drive) I was starting to feel the nails...
In my left hand at first. I said No no no no please no (in my head; if Ray hadn't been in the car it would have been out loud) but then said, oh fuck, pardon me, I just now realize what I said then, I said I don't want this but it's Your decision...
Now it's both hands and both feet. Intermittently, but there. I'm shaking. I've already fallen to my knees twice to pray, both because I needed to and because I needed to -- my legs wouldn't hold me.
I picked up my Sophia cross and almost couldn't put it on for the sudden bout of shaking.
I never wanted this. I never...am I making this up? Am I nuts? Is something deep in the back of my head just wanting attention, just wanting people to think I'm somehow special?
I don't want to be.
My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou.
*off to curl up in a little ball*
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speaking the truth, even when my voice trembles
a journal of a bisexual, bigendered, polyamorous, Christian woman trying to figure out
what it is
God has in store for me
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- Kate
- Hoping to hit the road in an RV with my two cats and my business, The Vagabond Tabby. I'm getting really, really tired of waking up in the same place every morning.
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4 comments:
Comments from a couple of friends of mine, to whom I fled for more immediate comfort...
I think, in the end, reality or not is irrelevant compared to how you learn from what you are feeling. In this case, I think focusing on 'is it real?' may not be the right path, so much as 'What can I do with this?'. Because, truly, real or not you are feeling it, which means in your mind, it .is. real. It could be God, it could be your subconcious, it could be your spirituality, but something is trying to teach you something.
and
Kate, you've got a lot of pent up passion and emotion that you were stomping down for a long time. Those are powerful forces. Your body reacts to emotions. Everyone's does. The extent is different.
Remember, passion about religion is a passion like any other. It's a strong emotion. And the symbolism of Christianity is very powerful symbolism. You want to give of yourself as a member of the clergy. You think 'sacrifice' and immediately the death of Christ comes to mind.
And so maybe you wonder why he would do it? What might that feel like? Could I stand it? Why would someone willingly endure agony for someone else? You think about it so much that you self-hypnotize. Triggering psychosomatic pain. Because your mind did it, doesn't mean it wasn't real. It means you must consider how to control it differently.
For psychosomatic issues, you usually have to find a place of calm. They're caused by stresses, and even good emotions taken to extremes are stressy to your body. Your heart speeds up. Your breathing quickens. You react to orgasm almost the same as to fear... physiologically. So, you handle psychosomatic pain with learning how to relax past it. Find a quiet place. Meditate. Pray. They all lead to relaxation where you can figure out how to process the passion.
You aren't going crazy. You're going through catharsis. This is a lot of emotion to process at once. It's new. Or new-again. It's not a lot different than when you fall deeply and madly in love with a person. You can think of that person and parts of your body react. You've fallen in love with your religion/God and thinking of that makes your body react.
They both speak wisely, and I'm feeling some better now. I'm gonna go eat dinner; food's always grounding...and read something mindless. I feel sort of like I'm wussing out, like I should deal with this instead of letting it slide away, but I suspect I'm not done with it, either.
Kate, wow, big stuff. I think your friends are both wise. Whether this is spiritual stuff like the desert fathers and mothers experienced or something more psychological (and who knows what the difference is, really?) it is something. Don't feel guilty about vegging. This things work on us for a long time.
Oh, Kate, wow.
Wise friends indeed. This seems to be coming because you are opening up so powerfully to God and Jesus and beginning to discern your call to ministry....and what matters is what you do with it and how you let it open you up more deeply to their love and healing power. Could be from the good spirit or the other spirit or your own psyche but you can use it for good and spiritual growth in any case.
You might want to do the Michaeline quarter call, which I have been using lately, and get the angels ringing round to protect you as you move through this, and to pray to Francis and to Catherine of Siena, both of whom had this experience. (Invisible in C's case).
And try to focus on what is the desire of your heart from Jesus...and just keep asking him for that.
I just extended my hands toward the computer/CO to bless you and will have you in my heart and prayer specially the rest of this day which should be powerful retreat time. We are hoping to go to Walshingham (medieval Marian shrine) and Norwich (as in Julian of, very devoted to Jesus' passion and to God the Mother). And hopefully celebrate home Eucharist again tonight--we used the Iona liturgy last night and it was just lovely.
Take good care of yourself and get lots of rest and let your sweethearts take good care of you, okay?
ILY (((hugs)))
Thank you both. It's faded a lot but I still get it from time to time (though just the sensation, not the pain now). Like I said elsewhere I've decided it's psychosomatic, unless it demonstrates otherwise, simply because I feel better that way.
I've been taking it pretty easy, LJ; thanks for the advice/absolution? on that. Sometimes I feel bad about not dealing with things as they happen but sometimes my brain is just too full, too.
Mother Laura, dearest, thank you -- knowing your blessing was headed my way did help a lot! We've been taking turns taking care of each other -- there's a lot of stress going around. :/
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