Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Been spending a fair amount of time terrified lately. Job and money worries, the usual 'what can I do for a living that I want to do', and now the vocation and the worries about how I'm supposed to pull of that on top of everything else. And then I read a lovely post by The Kitchen Door. Please, go and read it all. Go on; I'll wait.

"How can we do this?" Mary asked how she could possibly become pregnant, but she wondered who would take care of her if she did, too. It can be pretty hard to be a single mom now, but then it was fatal. As explanations go, “an angel came” is pretty weak when you’re up against a group who could stone you for getting pregnant.

What’s her fiancĂ©, Joseph, going to say? What will her parents say? Her priest? How can this work? Will Joseph still marry her? Will anyone believe her?

What will the baby be like? Will a Messiah be like the other babies she’s seen? Will she be a good mom? Can Joseph love this baby that isn’t his? Is there anything special she should be doing?

Is she going to have the money to feed him? Should the child Messiah go to special schools?

And more than anything: why me? Why not someone wealthy, powerful, or at least more experienced? Surely there’s someone kinder/smarter/holier that prays more/keeps house better/would know what to do with a baby.

But this young girl, this teenager, put aside her questions and fears and worries and doubts and said, "Yes. Let’s do this."

Compared to that, my problems are pretty small. Fairly unlikely to get stoned. No child to worry about (most especially not one that special), just the cats. Probably several people I'm going to have to convince of this whole vocation and a few who are going to look at me pretty funny (you've got a what?) but who's to blame them? That's about where I am still, too. Definitely a couple of people, maybe some reading this right now, who think I'm supremely unsuited for the task. Know what? I agree; but then, who is suited? We've all got our issues and our dumb moments and our unbelief. We're none of us perfect; we're all sinners.

But for all of my worries and my 'how am I gonna do this' and my 'Domine, non sum dignus', I can know one thing: God loves me. And so one way or the other, it's gonna work out. If He picked me, He picked right, and I can trust in that.


Brian said...

Great post. Thanks for sharing and I am glad to see that you've found peace. Many times recently I've found myself thinking "What have I got myself into" or "God, are you SURE you want me to do that???"

I've found that when you're called to a specific area... you just seem to make it work.

Best of luck, I'm sure you'll do great!

Mother Laura said...

Kate, hon, I am looking for your past posts on your baptism and confirmation stuff and realizing you don't have subject labels and a searchable archive--you might think about adding them in. (I'll find these posts of course but for future purposes).

The reason I'm looking is to link in a comment on yesterday's RGBP Ask the Matriarch about a 12 year old possibly being baptized because of his mom's desire...so you might want to weigh in there yourself as sorting your own experience of that through was such a powerful part of your recent rediscovery of church and the vocation. And I may not have characterized your experience (along with mine, Amy's, and Matt's) accurately.

As I said in email I am sorry things have been so hard and glad that this quote and its origin post have been some help.


seeking chivalry said...

Thanks for the kind words and confidence, Brian. I don't always have that myself, even right after reading something like the post I quoted.

Peace? Only intermittently, alas, but better than not at all. :/

Mother Laura, darling, thanks for the poke. I shall categorize appropriately (yay anal retentiveness!) and also go comment on that post. Cos wow, is it something I should speak to.

Mrs. M said...

Oh, my. Thank you for the compliment of quotation.

seeking chivalry said...

You're quite welcome, Mrs. M! Thank you for writing it, it's lovely work.