Monday, September 17, 2007

A brief crisis, et al

Up and feeling fine at 8:30 Saturday morning, ha! Living right makes many things better. Now that I can make a link without anything exploding, here's what Dwen wrote. It's significantly funnier than mine.

Ups and downs with the Shanti. She didn't get her meds Friday night; I wasn't fighting with her while drunk (I did find her just fine though). Saturday I wasn't home most of the day, so I couldn't let her out some evening; when I did get home around eleven, she'd peed on my pillow. Now, it could be because she'd missed a dose and wasn't feeling well; it could be that she was pissed because I didn't let her outside at her now-accustomed time. I don't know. Since I was heading right back out, I grabbed my pillow and let her out for the night.

Saturday was spent running errands and doing a bit of Salvation Army stuff. Ray got a call from friends of his partway through the afternoon and wound up spending the night at their place gaming; Tim and I went to a really great aquarium store where Tim bought a couple of pretty fish for his new tank. No idea what they're called, but they're sort of white and iridescent. They're pretty.

Kinda glad Ray went out, because he would have been bored stiff at the place. Tim and I wound up talking about that for a while, along with generally worrying over his untreated bipolar. I mentioned to Tim that it seemed that he and Ray had very few interests in common, and he shrugged a little and said that he tried not to think about it too hard, lest he come to a conclusion he wouldn't like.

This is not the way I want these conversations to go.

Since Ray was out and for once I didn't have to get up early in the morning, Tim decided that Tonight Was The Night and he was going to show me Dogma. He also invited me over for the night, which was lovely; it'd been a while. I headed home to give Shanti her pill and pick up my own evening meds, which is when I discovered my poor pillow; when I got back to his place I was in a pretty crappy mood. I actually had to wait at my place for a bit before I could give Shanti her pill and put her outside; I was so upset I was worried I'd hurt her.

This is new. I never used to get that mad. Or let myself get that mad; maybe I didn't feel safe expressing anger. I don't like it much, but I handled it properly.

So I get back and Tim says 'Watch Dogma! It'll cheer you up.' He's still apologizing, too. :/ I guess I'd had a crisis of faith building up anyway, but once the movie was done I spent about twenty minutes trying to argue the plot away, because lurking underneath that was the concept that if I couldn't convince myself that the movie didn't make any sense, then God wasn't anyone I could serve. Instead of getting that far as a logical argument (though I did manage more logical argument than usual, which impresses me) I wound up crying on poor Tim, great heaving sobs that only stopped when I realized that if I didn't stop I was going to throw up.

He managed to talk me down from it, more or less, but I wound up hashing through my issues with the concept of original sin again, as well as the whole Texts of Terror, with a side dish of the whole mess in the Episcopal Church and a brief detour into 'what if we're wrong and being gay is sinful?'. It was not pleasant and it wasn't pretty and eventually he wiped my eyes and got me to blow my nose and just tucked me into bed. I am so, so very grateful that he'd asked me to stay over already -- if I'd had to go home and sleep alone after that, I don't know what I would have done. I didn't sleep very well as it was, but it helped so much just to be next to him. Even though he snores.

Somehow by Sunday morning the whole thing had eased again. I don't know if the crisis is actually over or has just wandered off for a while and will be back. I haven't gotten back on balance enough to be able to tell; this whole work thing has me very focused on the physical. Sometime I'm going to have to slow down long enough to do something about that...

We got a whole bunch of things done on Sunday, enough, in fact, that I ran out of energy around seven and went home. Gave Shanti her pill and let her out, since I hadn't got the chance earlier. Slept like a rock and had a hard time getting up this morning. I couldn't find Shanti before I left for work, so she's missed her pill again; it was raining this morning so I figure she was hiding out somewhere dry. I hope I see her tonight, and I hope she doesn't pee on my pillow, too. We shall see.

More later -- I still have two memes to do -- but for now I should actually do some work at work.


eileen said...


Sometimes, a good cry is a good thing.

And a faith that is untested is likely no faith at all.

Kate said...

I needed it lots. And if it was gonna happen anyway, this was about the best circumstances for it -- Tim's about the best person I'm physically in the same place as to deal with this sort of thing and Ray, much though I love him, wasn't there. With the best of intentions he would likely have said something dumbassed -- he just doesn't get it.

Any number of y'all would also have been brilliant, mind you, except that you're all too far away.


Also, after not finding Shanti when I got home from work and before I went to look at a new apartment, I found her as soon as I got home from dinner -- she snuck up behind me while I was calling her and bumped my leg. Having been outside for nearly a day straight, she's fine; came in, ate a whole bunch, and is now washing herself. I'm going to give her a good brushing and NEVER LET HER OUTSIDE AGAIN.


HilbertAstronaut said...

There, Kate, your parentheses balance now ;-)

Religious cognitive dissonance sucks. *hugs*

Kate said...

...and so do unbalanced parenthesis.

Haven't coded in too long; I didn't even notice...