Saturday, April 21, 2007


Tonight my dear friends in the Order of St. Michael at the Order's annual Retreat will be doing a ritual of Christian Transformation. Though I can't make it to West Chester to be with them, I'm planning on attending in spirit.

I've come a long, long way since the baptism and confirmation I was stuck with. I didn't agree with them, then, but didn't see a way out -- but I've gone through that elsewhere and don't need to rehash it yet again. I'm guessing that my repetition of the whole thing is a bit of guilt over the lie of it; tonight I'm hoping to inch closer to making it the truth.

Because I don't feel right taking communion while that lie is still on me. And the only way to change that is to make it the truth. And that's going to be a long and slow process; but tonight, I think, will help.

So will tomorrow. Mother Laura found me a local Ecumenical Catholic Church which looks very welcoming and has services late enough on Sunday morning that I might actually be not only conscious, but actually dressed. And I'm going to go. I emailed their outreach lady, so now I can't wuss out. Again. Like I've been.

I'm nervous as anything. You'd think I'd got a date with the hottest guy on the football team. "The level of 'OMG what if I say the wrong thing and he hates me forever' is, uh, pretty high.

Because yeah, I'm going to church. And I could dress conservatively and go up for communion and not say much of anything, and nobody's notice a thing. But I'm not (well, I am going to dress conservatively, but). I'm going to ask, after the service, if people aren't too busy, to talk to the priest and see if I'm really welcome there. Yep, bisexual. Polyamorous. Currently, in fact, in a relationship with two men. Interested in Hindu spirituality and not planning to change that (in fact, my next move after this will be to find the local Hindu temple and make a similar exploratory trip). And then I'll see what he says.

It's about seven; about nine Eastern. Time for me to go, and see about that transformation.


Cat Chapin-Bishop said...

I hope all went well for you in your visit, and your talk with the priest, too.

Though, you know, sometimes I think it's helpful to let people get to know me simply as myself for a while before I share some of the things about my life that people might find objectionable. It's not so much wanting to hide as it is wanting people to see me, not their preconceived notions about what a Pagan is, for instance.

I do remember vividly, though, how scary it was to let people at my monthly Quaker meeting know about my dual faith. Talking with mere strangers on the Internet is so much easier than watching someone's face as they hesitate for a moment before they know what to say, isn't it? And it's hard, to invest so much hope in a new community and not be able to predict whether or not they will see you clearly enough to embrace you.

Again, here's hoping it went really well.

seeking chivalry said...

Yeah, I did eventually wuss out, I mean, decide that discretion was the better part of valour. I did have had a long conversation with the priest about the baptism and confirmation issue, but that was it.

More in the post I'm working on at the moment. Gonna be a long one.

Jenne said...

You know, it seems like you are changing and growing and becoming visibly more yourself.

You know, I don't know you that well; never have done, even though I've always been quite fond of you. In a choice between being authentic and making a dogmatic statement about something, it seemed like you were a lot more likely to be dogmatic in conversation around me; I chalked it up to the guy thing-- it's a kind of guy behavior I'm used to. Especially around me, because I'm-- well. Who I am. Not merely indiscreet, but messy in my emotions.

But this... it seems like it's your authentic voice. And it's so hard to be authentic. This effing impressed me. Hope is hard. Investing trust in things is hard. If I were in a position to say it, I'd say I was proud of you. Anyway, I'm impressed.

May the light shine on you in all the dark places that you walk.

seeking chivalry said...

Thank you, Jenne.

I would have said, at the time, that I was being authentic - I didn't know how much my fears were what spoke. Now that I'm terrified and admitting it, I think I'm speaking the truth.

I hope I'm speaking the truth. If what I've been through hasn't broken me through to the point where I can, I don't know what I'd have to go through to _get_ me to that point. :/