Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Think I've Lost a Pinky Toe or Two

Mom's coming in tomorrow around 11:30. Of course I likely won't be out of testing until 3:30. We figure, though, with getting off the airplane and waiting for luggage, renting a car and driving up to where my aunt and uncle are staying in Longmont, they probably won't have to wait long until I'm done. Given the way I take tests, I doubt it'll be 3:30 anyway; probably closer to 2:30.

Of course I haven't even started cleaning my place, and it's an extra-special mess since they've been painting the buildings and most of my balcony stuff is occupying the living room...

Because last night Tim and I started getting his stuff packed up. Ray, in the meantime, grumpy that neither Tim nor I were particularly enamoured of his D&D character idea, sat on the couch until he fell asleep. Tim thought it was cute; I was hard put not to slug him.

Am I enabling Tim to enable Ray? Or am I helping out a friend who needs it? I'd be helping him pack regardless of the romantic relationship, of course; helping people move has been one of my specialties for years.

We packed two boxes before dinner, while Ray was walking the dog. When he came back and commented on the fact, Tim pointed out that once you actually start doing it, you can get a lot of packing done in not very much time. Ray thanked me for helping Tim; I didn't answer. I don't think I'd have been able to keep from saying something like 'someone's got to do it, and you're clearly not'.

Lord, please, please, if nothing else help me not to say anything dumb. It's hard, it's so frustrating and I don't know how to make it better. Ray's slipping further away every day and Tim has less and less left over after working and cleaning and cooking and trying to haul Ray bodily out of his depression and I can't help, I can't, I'll just get mad and say something dumb and I'm having a hard enough time keeping me out of my depression. Please, I have nothing left to help them with; help them.

Help Ray to learn that he has to
do something, that depression doesn't just go away on its own. Help him to know that he can do something, that it's not hopeless. Help him to know what to do.

Help Tim to know that he can't fix Ray, no matter how much he wants to. Help him to know that self-care isn't self-ish. Help him to have the energy to keep going, and help him to know if it becomes time to stop and let someone else do the work for a while.

Help me to know what to say that may help, and to not say the things that I know won't. Help me to remember that, like Tim, I can't fix Ray; I can't fix either of them. I can only fix myself.

Help.

Amen.


--

It's not a Tandaina prayer but it'll have to do.

--

My mom's coming tomorrow. She doesn't know how bad the money situation is; she doesn't know about the three of us (if there is still a three of us). She doesn't know I'm now Christian, or that I'm thinking about going back to school. I plan to tell her the latter two, and I'm terrified. I hope she'll be willing to come to church with me on Sunday.

She was raised RC, and took my sister and I to a Lutheran church. She still goes a few times a year, I think. I don't think she'll be upset, but she'll certainly be shocked. I don't know if I'll tell her about the calling. It might be a bit much for her, and frankly right now I'm so unsure of it that I doubt I'll be able to convince her of anything.

I'm going to take her up into the park, assuming that she doesn't get carsick on the ride up. We're going to hike a bit and drive a lot and look at things and hang out. It's going to be a lot of fun.

I do miss my mother. We've become a lot closer since I left the ex. We ... understand each other more. We have an easier time talking about the things that are hard to talk about.

The years of not telling her so much about my life still weigh on me, though. It's a long habit and a hard one to break. I tell myself that I don't want to worry her but is that fair?

I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm hanging on. I'm going to make my place look nice. I'm going to have a good time with my mother and maybe take her to church. I'm going to hang out with my aunt and uncle. I'm going to help my dear friends move. I'm going to introduce my mother to Shanti and to Colorado. I'm going to take a test for a job and hopefully do well. I'm going to keep hanging on, keep praying, keep going. Somehow.

7 comments:

Mother Laura said...

Hi dear one,

Sorry I haven't been commenting or emailing but I have been praying for you, specially the test/job app, visit from your Mom, and the relationship stuff.

Please take good care of yourself and call if you want to talk (or shoot me an email and I'll call you).

(((Kate)))

Mrs. M said...

Sweetheart:

you can't keep worrying about whether other people are OK. You just can't. They will take care of themselves when they're ready to, and in the meantime their systems aren't ready for the shock of health and happiness. If they ask for help, they might be ready. The frustrating thing about trying to help everyone else get happy and peaceful and contented is that it doesn't work and it's going to make you unhappy in the process.

Turn that energy to yourself, and to God (your profligate lover). You can do more good as a model of health and peace than as a facilitator of the same.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Mrs. M, that sound like wonderful advice.

Kate, no advice from me, just prayers and good wishes.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

Same from me, Kate. It's hard to be in relationship with people who are hurting but won't seek help.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. I hope the visit with your mom goes well.

Jarred said...

You have my sympathies on the whole situation with Ray and Tim. Something like that is never easy.

I hope you have a good time during your mother's visit.

RevDrKate said...

I've been dropping by now and again just to check and see how things are with you, life and all. I felt that nudge tonight and thought I'd delurk and let you know there is another Kate who prays for you. Peace.

Kate said...

Y'all rock, and thanks for the reminders (and O, I need them often) that I can only truly fix myself. Still working on that bit, mind you...

I think that the two of them need to curl in on themselves for a bit, and get their stuff worked out. Me getting my issues with Ray worked out really depends on that; there's little more _I_ can do about it at this point.

And I think I need some time for me, too. Started to realize yesterday that I _still_ haven't the faintest clue who _I_ am...