Saturday, August 25, 2007


The short short version:

No, I didn't kill my mom. It was an okay visit; there were revelations and discussions and a few annoyed moments and I discovered that I still need _my_ space to be _mine_ very very much. But it went fairly well and it was good to be with her.

But her being _here_, instead of _there_ in Pennsylvania with the life I left, was very triggering for me and I spent a lot of the weekend in an odd sort of dream-state in which half of me was back there, still in the bad old life. I'm still sorting that out.

Monday I got laid off. It wasn't a great job; it was boring and lonely and frustrating and barely enough to pay the rent but I depended on it. Immediate plunge into despair.

Tuesday I got the letter from the university about my test results. I know I've always been good at standardized tests but it surprised me even so: a 96 percent, and the top rank of everyone who took the test that day (about forty people) and everyone else who already had a score and applied for the same job (about another forty). I was smug. (Still am.) Ridiculously smug. This means I'm one of three people who'll get interviewed for the position in question, which is, by the way, not only an admin assistant position, but assistant to the _Dean_ of the business school.

I'm not sure I own clothing nice enough, but I have gay friends, this can be solved.

Also, I scored higher than Tim did when he took the same test a year or so ago, which makes me even more smug.

Still didn't solve the immediate finding issues, but then I got a call from a temp agency I'd given up on something like six months ago. I'm working doing data entry, for ten dollars an hour, at Crocs (yes, the cool rubbery shoes). Temp to perm, they're expanding like mad and desperate for people with a clue, and I've already 'shown initiative' in corporate-speak. If naught else happens I'm sure I'll get hired on eventually. Not the most exciting job so far but they keep giving me different things to do, since I learn them quickly, and the people I work with are nice.

Still helping Tim and Ray move. Ray has got his head semi-out of his ass and has been doing a lot. Still needs someone to ride herd on him, but he's getting things done. The new place is very nice and in a good neighborhood and no more than five minutes away and I already feel like they're twelve hours distant again and I'll get to see them twice a year. Doesn't help that my brain looks at their new place and plotting where I'd want to put my stuff.

Nor that I decided over the weekend (with my mother) that I'm not ready to live with anyone else _anyway_. Not a romance thing, just a space thing; roommates wouldn't be any better. I need _my_ space.

But it was so very nice having them so close...

Had horrible awful dreams last night, in which I'd left everything behind in Pennsylvania (which I did), including family and a lot of friends and a whole life (which I did) but...didn't get anything out here. On this end there was just emptiness, nothing, a sterile apartment and a sterile existence and I remember thinking why did I do this again?

It's stuck with me all day, even though Ray showed up shortly after I woke up to bring over some of my stuff that I'd left at their place ages ago. He's been having bad weird dreams too, and they're making him think about his relationship with me, and he's feeling bad about it. We didn't talk about it much but I'm wondering how I'll address it when we do...he doesn't want to disappoint me, I know, and he _is_, and how can I tell him? All I can say for 'how do I fix it' is 'fix yourself' and that's what I've been saying for months anyway. And he can't or won't, I'm not sure which...

My antidepressant ran out a few days ago and what with the new job and all I kept forgetting to refill it. Usually isn't a problem for a week or so anyway; it takes a while to wear out of my system. But two days in and I'm wretched. Called the pharmacy today and whups! No refills. They called my doctor a few days ago to fix that (which they'll do automatically, bless em) and haven't heard back. Well, that's because it's my old doctor, back in PA, who won't do refills for me if I don't stop in for an appointment. Kinda difficult right now...

They have my new doctor's number. He knows I'm on the stuff (gave me more than a months' worth of free samples, in fact) so even though he's never actually written that prescription for me I'm sure he'll authorize the refills without wanting to see me again. But that'll be Monday at the absolute earliest and I'm terrified at the thought of surviving until then without my meds. And probably a couple more days until they're properly back in my system.

It's going to be rough. Knowing what it is helps but only a little (if it helped enough I wouldn't need the meds at all, now would I?). And with all the other stuff going on...even the good things are very, very stressful to me right now. Just too much change, too much up in the air.

Ray has about five bottles of St. John's Wort and I'm going to grab one later; I hope it's enough. I can't, cannot miss a day of work right now. And they'll be calling me early next week for the interview at CU...I'll have to see if I can push it back a day or two if I have to. if I can't, and I have to do the interview without my meds, I don't know if I'll make it _to_ it, much less _through_ it.

Feeling distant from God. Trying to pray, and the connection I felt earlier this summer is gone, gone, gone. The new book about Mother Teresa's decades-long crisis of faith probably ought to make me feel better about it but it just makes me want to cry.

On top of which, I'm spending the day at the job I got laid off from (she can't really afford to pay people, but she's in Michigan for the week visiting family and now that I have a job, I don't mind getting paid in 'stuff' instead...). Which is fine, I'm spending the day catching up on blogs I haven't touched in more than a week, but the new Muzak system is giving me a screaming headache and I just want to plug my ears and curl up in a little ball behind the counter. I'm reading y'all, as much as I can comprehend through the headache, but I'm not going to comment a lot until I can focus on the screen clearly.

Thinking about taking my pay in a sarong to give to Tim. He does love the things and he's horribly cute wearing them. I'd bring something home for Ray as well but ... I don't think there's anything here he'd like. Must think on't.

Three more hours here. Gonna keep breathing and see how long I can survive. More tomorrow I hope. Still got a lot to write about, just can't focus well enough to do it.


Mother Laura said...

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry things are still so hard in spite of the improved job possibilities. Lots of prayers and (((hugs))).

Sometimes when I feel distant from God it's cause I'm pissed and need to get that out in prayer loud and clear, cause God can totally take it and actually likes honesty a lot....but that could completely not be your stuff, so roundfile it and tell me to hush up if I'm off base.

Kate said...

It's a theory, anyway. I've caught myself bitching about things to God and cutting myself off because I know I'm just being overwrought and getting upset about things I shouldn' perhaps that is it.

Yesterday evening and this morning have been much better things. It's not so bad as it was yesterday, that's for bloody sure.

*hugs you way lots*

Rae Trigg said...

"The new book about Mother Teresa's decades-long crisis of faith probably ought to make me feel better about it but it just makes me want to cry."

Everyone with deep faith has doubts. That's what those without faith don't understand. Having faith does not automatically confer certainty. Hang in there, Kate. I know things will get better for you.

Congratulations on the new job and the possibility of an even better job! *Many hugs*

Kate said...

For a long time I thought faith not only conferred certainty, it required it...