Sunday, August 26, 2007

I Got Better

Half of the problem, apparently, was being at work.

I called Tim at their new place on my way home. Turns out they were about to head out to dinner with the folks who're renting them the place, so I wasn't going to have a chance to pick up the St. John's Wort before then. I suffered a bout of Left Out but just headed home and made myself get on with things.

I've had chicken stock going on the stove for a couple days now (skin, bones et cetera of a grocery store rotisserie chicken, two small onions, some garlic, and a bunch of carrots that had been sitting in Tim's fridge a little long). It's smelling really good by now, I tell you what. I skimmed out most of the debris and transferrred the broth into a smaller pot to let it simmer down further; I like to wait until it's pretty concentrated to freeze it.

That gave me somewhat of a feeling of accomplishment, so I continued in that vein and actually made supper instead of eating cookies and popcorn. Okay, it was pizza out of the freezer (and alas not very good), but it was something. While that was underway I did a bunch of straightening up which helped my mood as well.

The boys stopped over after dinner to drop off the St. John's Wort and pick up a couple things from their old place. They weren't here long but it was good to see them. Tim's exhausted and sick, and Ray is, well, twenty-two and could probably have spent another eight hours helping someone else move. I remember those days...

I sent them home with a jar of my Long Day Working bath salts, and I just hope Tim didn't fall asleep in the bath and drown.

Currently my computer runs Windows. I hate Windows with a great searing passion. Well, I got an Ubuntu Linux disc from Tim a week or so ago and finally sat down to mess with installing it. It's not installed yet -- there were partitioning issues and I need to mess with it more -- but just being able to use Linux for a bit was awfully, awfully nice. Comforting. Familiar. Also not claustrophobic like Windows is.

In the times while I was waiting for various install things to happen I did two things: 1) worked on a braided rug I've had in progress for roughly forever and want to get done done done, and, 2) realized that I haven't the faintest idea what to name my computer. The ex and I had a computer naming scheme that gave me plenty of choices and worked very well for the two of us but I don't want to stick with any of those.

This realization expanded into the further realization that I've been out here for nearly a year and still have very little idea who I am. All of the old certainties are gone and I have only a few new ones to take their place. After some thought I settled on 'shewolf' for the computer but the rest is gonna take a while.

I think I need to take some time away from my dearest beloveds (and not just because I've been wanting to kill them both a little too often recently). I'm still defining myself by them instead of my me and that's no better than defining myself by the ex. Okay, it's not as bad because they're actually decent human beings but it still ain't good. I need to figure out who I am.

Now how do you do that again? I've heard keeping a journal is a good way to start...

*wanders off into sarcasm*


Apparently having a day job makes me get up in the morning. No, not just when I have to work, but every morning. This is not a bad thing though Chocolate seems to be grumpy about it. He hollered at me for a while this morning -- get back in bed and pet me, you! I'm all alone here -- but now he's curled up smack in the middle of the bed, asleep.

Normally on a Sunday I get up barely in time to make it to church. Which is at eleven-thirty. Me? Not a morning person.

Today I could have gotten up at seven and been sufficiently rested. I stayed in bed until nine, mostly because of Chocolate, but it wasn't because I needed more sleep. Since then I've been messing with the computer, getting it ready to (with luck and help from friends) install Linux. And tending the stock, and braiding things, and straightening up...I've gotten a lot done already, and normally I'd barely be awake by now.

Heading over to Tim and Ray's in a couple hours. I've decided that this morning instead of church I'm going to get things done, do some thinking, and probably go for a walk. I need processing time. And I need to see my loves...but later.


Anonymous said...

You sound healthier. I am glad.

Kate said...

Thanks -- I'm feeling a lot better, too. Ups and downs, still, but I'm steadying.

Jarred said...

For me personally, learning who I was meant learning what was important to me and what I valued above all else. It was about learning what kind of person I saw myself as and wanted to be.

And yes, I did much of the dreaded journaling. ;)

Kate said...

Naming my computer was a good first step, I think. It's always been a very 'fraught with meaning' thing for me, oddly enough.

The rest will come, with time.