I've been fighting depression for a long time. I've been there. I've done that.

So when someone who ISN'T EVEN TRYING tells me I can't POSSIBLY IMAGINE what he's going through, and then LIES TO ME?

I get pretty damned upset.

Cos I know...

...I'll get grumbled at if I don't.

They don't have names yet, so y'all hop to!

Lenten Catchup

Over the last few days I've:

• Found homes for my portable DVD player, spare futon, and TV, with appropriate returns of small moneys.
• Used some of said money to purchase a piece of furniture as part of the living room redo.
• Used other of said money to purchase a couple of mice. Alas, Algernon made the Long Trip while I was away; and while I was not heartbroken (sad, yes, but we hadn't bonded very much) Loiosh was devastated. He kept going over to the empty cage and crying, and when I took the cage apart to clean it, nosed through all the pieces looking for his mouse. So...yah.
• Took a crapton of the stuff I'd already sorted out to the Salvation Army -- in one trip in the car, yes, but it produced a chance to spend time with Tim. He'd been wanting to go, see, but kept putting it off because Ray wasn't ever in the mood, so I stuffed him in the car and off we went.
• Posted Yet More Stuff to Craigslist.

I also...

• Took Sunday completely off from simplifying to go hiking, thence to have dinner with Tim and a dear friend of ours. Ray didn't want to go, again, and I'm getting concerned about him...
• Closed a whole bunch of tabs in my Firefox browser, thus reducing the number of Things I was dealing with there.
• Went through a number of directories of old old files, and deleted a lot and reorganized the rest.
• Spent more time trying to teach the kitten Lay Down.
• Took a bunch of time off for feeling crappy.

Spending time with Tim (and, on Sunday, with Andro) was a goodness. He's putting together a new Serenity game, and we've been talking about that a lot; plus it's always good to get out into the outside and walk some.

I'm concerned about Ray, though. He...well...every time something changes (beginning of a new semester, visiting his parents, starting counselling again) he perks up for a couple weeks, but then he's right back down. Nothing seems to stick. Tim and I had high hopes for yoga this semester, and for a couple weeks...but then, nothin'. I really, really don't know how to help him help himself, and nothing seems to make a long-term difference.

Tim, on the other hand, is taking this Lent as an opportunity to do a lot of thinking. He's not having _fun_ with it, I'll assure you, but I think it's good for him. And he's expressed an interest in going to church with me, which will have the added side-benefit of getting _my_ butt back to church, too.

...I kinda wonder how Ray's going to feel about that. :/

Lent, Day 2

Yesterday I:

• Took a pile of books to mail away (on my bike!)
• Sold my coffee table, which...
• ...made enough space in my living room to rearrange it in a way that makes me happy.
• Cooked up a whole lot of spaghetti sauce, and froze most of it.
• Taught the kitten to 'sit' on command. Well, request. He _is_ a cat.

I also made two decisions -- both will wind up taking more of my _time_, but I feel that they'll simplify things nonetheless, and they're both things that are important to me.

• If I can accomplish X on my bike, I'm going to. Since there's now a thrift store within easy riding distance, this means I'll be taking all of that thrift store stuff over in five or six trips on the bike instead of one in the car -- more time, yes, but less pollution in the air, less wear on my car, less money for gas; and more exersice for me, more interacting with the world instead of just driving through it, more time to just _be_. The downside to this is that Loiosh can't (currently) come along with me, but I have some theories about that.
• I'm cutting (even more) processed food out of my life. Yes, this will mean more cooking; but it will also mean less money spent on processed food, less crap going into my body; and more intentional cooking _and_ eating, more healthy food around the house (since I always cook in ginormous batches), more time spent with friends (as I'm more likely to invite people over when I'm cooking -- see those ginormous batches).

In addition I've discovered one of those things that are important to me, that all the extraneous stuff in my life was covering up -- training Loiosh. In five sessions, totally maybe a half-hour, I've taught him to sit. Yes, a cat. To sit.

And he's come up to me repeatedly while I'm at the computer, and won't leave me alone until I do another training session. Yeah, he's in it for the treats and no mistake, but I think he also enjoys the attention, the learning, the praise. He's a smart cat and I suspect that he gets bored sometimes -- in fact I'm sure of it, the way he hollers at the front door.

This gives him something to learn, to think about, to do; and it gets him lots of lovins and praise. He's my good baby, after all, and he does love his momma. And I love him! And I love working with him, teaching him things.

I'll freely admit there's at least a bit of 'You taught your _cat_ to do what!?' in there, too, but I don't see anything wrong with that. ;)

Lent, Day 1

Yesterday I:

• Culled enough clothing out of my closet that I could fit the shelves of clothing in there as well, making a lot more space in my bedroom. Those clothes will go to a local thrift store.
• Packed a foot-high stack of books to be shipped off for cash.
• Sold my laptop backpack, unused for years.
• Added three bags of 'stuff' to the bags of clothing going to a thrift store, thus emptying a shelf in my office.
• Moved six or seven books from my shelves to the pile of books to be sold.

That's the physical stuff. On the 'making time' level I:

• Decided to stop playing Facebook games -- I'll use it to communicate, but using actual words, not sending karma or the like. (Nothing against the concept -- but I found it was eating time I could use elsewhere).
• Reduced the number of blogs I read, both here and on LJ.
• Deleted a bunch of games from my computer.
• Signed off of a couple of mailing lists.
• Took the rats to the Humane Society.

That last was a hard decision, and has been a long time coming. Too long, for them -- I simply wasn't giving them the time, attention, space they needed, no matter how often I promised myself (and them) that I would. Their cage was too small, not cleaned often enough; they didn't get enough time out, and certainly not enough time with me. And I felt bad about that, and it weighted on me.

They're getting lots of attention there, now, and I know they have a nice big cage to run around in. They'll find homes, or not -- if they spend the rest of their lives there, they'll be much happier than they were here. I know how well they treat animals at the local place.

I've lightened my load a lot, and I plan to lighten it a lot more -- I've got another 39 days to do it in, after all. Once I'm done the physical, there'll be a lot of emotional stuff to clear out, too. It'll be interesting, and probably painful, and I'm looking forward to it.

Lent

After a lot of waffling, I've decided this Lent, I'm simplifying.

I started before realizing it was the right thing to continue -- I packed up probably half of my clothing to go to the Salvation Army, and enough other stuff that the trunk of the car is full. I've been selling things on Craigslist. And I've decided I'm going to keep at it.

Not just physical stuff (though that'll be a lot of it). I want to pare things away in the rest of my life, too -- emotional, spiritual, things that take up time as well as space -- because that will, I hope, leave me with enough space left, and little enough to fill it, that I'll be able to set about figuring what's really important to me. Figuring who _I_ am again, because I've been kinda too busy to remember.

And, with luck and effort, leaving space in my life for God, cos I've kinda been failing at that part, a lot.

It's a good thing He doesn't give up on us easy.

So tell me...

Why is it bad to be a Mama's Boy but just fine to be a Daddy's Girl?