More Reverb10

16) Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

...I still don't know how to answer this one. Most of my revelations -- at least the good ones -- came from people I don't know.

17) Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

This one is supposed to be about a good lesson. What did I learn this year? Don't trust.

18) Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

There is no try, only do.

(...seriously, guys. Seriously?)

19) Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

What healing I've done has mostly been on my own. Sohbet House has helped; Loiosh and Chocolate and even Samson have helped. But most of it has been me, most of it has been just sheer dogged 'I have no choice' jury-rigged rough stitches.

So much of this is coming out far grimmer than I feel, than I've felt for maybe the last month or so. I really am doing okay. Moment to moment, day to day, I'm doing pretty well. But thinking back over the year? There was a lot of suck. There was a lot of grim. There was a lot of hurt. There's a lot still there, buried under layers of recovery and scarring, that I'll be digging out for a long time. You don't heal this level of betrayal this quickly. But little by little, I am getting truly _better_.

This exercise, though, this bit of reminiscing if you will, is really allowing a lot of the anger and hurt and pain to come out and express itself, though. This is a good thing. But painful to go through. Painful to watch as well, I'm sure. Hang in there. It does get better.

20) Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Right now the only thing I can think of is getting my damn business license moved to Tennessee from Colorado. I really need to get off my ass and make that happen.

Lots of things I'd've liked to be able to avoid I had thrown in my face, though.

21) Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

...I, uh.

I've _never_ been good at this.

I don't know where I'll be in five years. I can imagine, sort of, I can plan, I can guess, but I don't know, so how can I write what I'd say to my current self?

Me from ten years ago: Yes, you _can_ get out. Yes, he _is_ abusive. Yes, what he's doing is _not_ right. No, it is _not_ your fault, and you do _not_ deserve it. Pick yourself up and fly free.

Also, be sure to be at that SCA event in June 2008 so you can get Loiosh from Aldyth, no matter what else is going on.

22) Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

How did I travel? A lot. All over. With Loiosh. Joyously. Not enough. Next year? More.

23) New name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

My name is Kate. I've already chosen it; I see no need to change it.

24) Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

When I wake up in the morning, in the sun, with my Chocolate snuggled up next to me purring, I know it's gonna be okay.

25) Photo. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

The one someone took and Andrea's wedding, of me and Loiosh, both looking contemplative. Me in green blouse and with my hair partly down, Loiosh with a blue bow and his paw draped protectively, possessively, comfortably over my shoulder. My Momma. My baby boy.



26) Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Near everything I've eaten at Sohbet House, though I don't agree with some of their diet choices. Many of the things I've cooked for my mom this week, which have been tasty and have also shown that at least part of my cooking anxiety is cooking for people who are good cooks -- having been married to a man who 'knew' I couldn't cook, with a mother who 'knew' that nobody she wasn't related to could cook, has kinda made me a little nervous about cooking for people who know what they're doing.

Cooking for my mom, though? Easy. Fun. Tasty. Enjoyable. She likes what I make. She eats it, appreciates it, enjoys it. It's a happiness.

...and I think I've run out. I'll leave a few questions for later. And I'll post ... well, after I get home I guess, it'll be the new year but oh well. Won't have access up at Aunt Ann's. Which is fine. This isn't easy for me and I don't mind a break at all.

It's been a good trip. Probably the easiest visit I've had with my mom and my sister in years. There are still difficulties -- there are going to be. I'm so profoundly different. And, frankly, my mom at least is so profoundly unhappy. I want t help but she doesn't think it can get better, so it just gets on her nerves.

I can't help unless she wants to make it better. I know this. But I want to help.

Post-Christmas snow

So my mom and I are snowed in. This is not near as bad as it could be, since it seems that we have finally learned how to hang out with each other without too much misunderstanding going on. Mostly.

Loiosh is being completely pestiferous (he's bored) and I may duct-tape him to something.

My sister got me a webcam. Whee! We're trying to get it figured out. Have I mentioned I hate having my picture taken and also don't like talking over anything like a phone?

But I have a nephew now, and I do want to see him grow up. So...yeah.

LOOK TWO DAYS IN A ROW

I am perhaps tired and also a little punchy. On the road for eight hours today, more or less, on the way up to PA to visit the family for the first time in far too long.

Did some more reverb10 writing. It's a little disjointed. By which I mean a lot. Kinda raw. But here it is.

--

9) Party

I, uhh.

I know I went to a party or two this year.

There was the one where Loiosh ate so much of Aldyth's steak that he couldn't sit down around his belly.

There was the Halloween party at Sohbet House.

I think there was a party at Andro's.

...it wasn't a good year for parties. I guess.

10) Wisdom.

Wise decisions?

I made a lot of dumb ones, in the beginning of the year.

I made some very necessary ones through the middle. Most of those were a clear matter of 'least sucky' though.

I guess moving to Tennessee. It's been good for me.

I don't know. Today is a tough one for thinking I've done well, I guess, though it's been a good _day_, as such.

11) 11 things

1 - Fear
2 - Debt
3 - Excess stuff (not much of that left, but there's still some).
4 - ...

I don't know. I've already gotten rid of so much. I've already _lost_ so much.

12) Body Integration

What is this I don't even.

13) Action

Driving the rest of the way to my mom's tomorrow.

...this is larger than it seems. Some of my important things ( and some of the reasons for the Bus Project) are interaction and connection, and travel for the purpose of same. Driving north to see my blood family for the first time in a year and a half -- and my nephew for the first time EVER -- is way, way a part of that.

It was SO so nice to get on the road today. I love my roommates and I love where I live -- don't get me wrong. But getting in the car -- just me and Loiosh -- and driving, going where _I_ wanted, on very little schedule but my own...that was awesome.

It was time to GO.

Soon it'll be really, really time to go.

(Must remember to actually post about the Bus Project.)

14) Appreciate

One thing?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAyeah.

My friends.

My cats.

My own resilience.

My Aunt Ann.

My friend Dani.

I guess those last two come under 'friends' but.

Whatever.

15) 5 minutes.

There was this guy. And he fucked me over when I was pretty vulnerable. Then my friends saved my ass. The end.

16) ...

Yeah, I'm maybe not in quite the right place to be doing these tonight. I might try some of them again tomorrow. But right now, I'm just flinging words at the screen without really thinking about it.

Which has its value, don't get me wrong, but this is supposed to be contemplative, not brainstorm-ey. So I dunno, whatever.

Reverb10

So I've decided to open up a lot more on my shop blog. There's a certain amount of 'instead of here' implied there, I think. I don't know. I don't see posting the same thing in both places. That doesn't make sense. But there's still stuff I don't feel safe sharing on my shop blog, so maybe there's still a space for this one. Although frankly my heart hasn't been here for well over a year now.

But then...my heart hasn't been much of anywhere, when it comes to writing, for well over a year now.

I don't know.

In the meantime, I just found Reverb10 and have decided to use it as a guide for reviewing the last year. It's been a hell of a year and no mistake, and I thought that I could maybe use a little help in processing it all.

I wrote a little over 750 words on it today -- answering the first 8 prompts. I kind of wish I'd started at the beginning of the month, though I don't think I was in quite the right place for it then either, so I don't know. But just the little bit I wrote today helped me figure a couple of things out. So here, I'll share it, in all its raw, unedited glory.

--

1) One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Simplify.

It's not quite the right word, but I don't know of a word that encapsulates it all. Deliberately and not. Planned and not. Gentle simplifications, like taking a few shirts I never wear and putting them into the pile to go to the Salvation Army. Painful, traumatic ones like getting dumped and moving from home to Tennessee. I've been stripping away everything but the bare essentials. Paring away the unnecessary. Peeling away everything that doesn't help me be me. Shearing off the things I don't need.

It's kinda sucked.

A lot.

But I'm better for it, in the end. I'm lighter. I'm more focused. I'm...tighter? My things are closer around me (and by 'things' I mostly don't mean _things_) since now I have so few of them that there's space for them all.

Next year at this time? A single word.

I don't know. I want to continue paying down debts. That's a big one; it's a weight. I want to keep working for Dani, cos it's money and also it's _awesome_. I want to keep building Om Shanti Handcrafts. I want to blog more. I want to ...

...

...there it is. Open. I want to open up. I want to be more _me_, now that I've simplified enough, lightened enough, that I can begin to know who that is.

2) Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

What's been getting in the way of it? All the crap I've shed in the last year. And the depression. And the things-not-being-set-up-right. Cos I got my desk set up, with my desktop on it, and blogs started happening immediately. All of that is dealt with, or at least in the process of being dealt with, and now there's just the 'I don't know what to write', a lot of which is rooted in 'I'm afraid to write', so it's just a matter of continuing to shed the fear.

Which is another thing I simplified away last year -- or began to -- even with all the excitement, I'm less _afraid_.

3) Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

After some thought I've got to go with walking barefoot in the field across the road from Rich and Bri's. It was morning, still turning from cool to warm, dry Colorado breeze caressing, sun warming, grass still cool against my feet. Little scent to the air in the dry, that time of year. But I walked from light to shadow and back and felt the grass change from warm and dry, to cool and damp still with dew, to dry and warm and tickly again as I walked.

It says something, I think, that my clearest one dates back to over six months ago. I need to be in the moment again. I need to live there.

4) Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By paying attention. By looking, smelling, listening. By being.

5) Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Tim. A future. Hopes. A life. A love. My heart. My plans. Colorado. Mountains. Security.

6) Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

A batch of cafe mocha soap, yesterday. I melted the soap in two turns through the microwave, stirred in the honey halfway through. Measured out the flavouring, spooned in coffee ground until it looked right. Stirred and stirred and stirred, patient. Kept the grounds stirred in instead of settling to the bottom.

You need to pay close attention as it cools -- it'll go from liquid to almost a gel very quickly, and you need to pour it at just the right time. Too soon, and the coffee grounds settle to the bottom. Too late, and it's too think and won't pour right.

I caught it at just the right time. The soap is a beautiful even tan, with the grounds scattered through. I wrapped it up today and it's sitting, waiting to be sold.

7) Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Sohbet House. Waya's family. The local Etsy people. The local SCA people. Just the beginnings of community, with the latter, but it's there.

Twitter (after giving up twice). Hot Glue Media.

I'm still not getting too close to anyone. It'll be a while, I think, before I feel safe doing that again. If I walk alone for a while, though, it's okay. I have plenty of people to walk with for a bit along the way.

8) Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

My relationship with cats. My simplicity. My sense of smell. My slightly compulsive way of making popcorn. My not giving much of a shit what people think.

More tomorrow.

Hahahaha yeah, cos _that_ totally worked.

So yeah. I'm in Tennessee now. With friends. It's all good. Slowly recovering, by which I mean actually getting better. Got a job working online for a friend. Loiosh has craptastic manners when it comes to cats he doesn't know. Hoping to write more? Not gonna guarantee anything, cos hahahaha yeah.

But I'm not dead, and I'm still here, and that kinda counts, right?