Sunday, December 9, 2007

Waiting...?

I have a confession to make.

What with one thing and another, I haven't been to church in something like months. I could blame this on my work schedule (and truly, now that I'm working retail it's awfully difficult to get to church anywhere) but even before I got this job I wasn't going. I felt like I needed a break, or I'd get up on Sunday morning and get involved with something, or I'd tell myself I didn't need the church to pray...

Yesterday before work I got a call from Ray. He and Tim had gone to a local SCA event and forgotten a few things; could I possibly run them over before work? Sure!

I'd woken up feeling fairly crappy, and the thought of scraping snow from the car and slogging my ass out to get things done didn't help a'tall. On top of which I hadn't been to local SCA stuff for months, either, was feeling bad and annoyed about that; I'd really wanted to go to this event and couldn't. But off I went.

I felt odd and alone and left out, walking through a hall decorated with bright banners and soft Indian cushions, among elegantly-garbed folks in all the fashions of the Middle Ages, wearing my heavy winter jacket and jeans and snow (and snowy) boots. They were in the kitchen which put me walking right through the center of everything. Tim gave me a big hug which helped a lot but then it was time to go. I wanted naught more than to shed my heavy coat, put on bright Persian clothing, and settle in for the day...but work beckoned (or perhaps threatened with its riding crop, I'm not sure).

I'd hoped to find a back way into the kitchen. No such luck, but in my wanderings I did find the sanctuary as well as the small chapel attached to the church building the event was held in. I looked into the sanctuary, thinking to slip in for a moment's prayer, but there were people inside and I felt shy; the chapel, however, was empty, so I ducked in there.

Empty. Never empty. I'd intended to sit in a pew for a moment or so, instead found myself kneeling at the altar rail, head bowed and hands clenched, eyes streaming with tears. Never empty. God's love enfolded me and welcomed me back; nevermind that this isn't my church, it's his. I didn't see a Presence lamp, don't know if they do that there, didn't even think to look; God was there, God loves me.

I wiped my eyes and went on with my day, errands to run, always something to do. But I've been waiting too long, or perhaps God has been waiting too long for me to come back. It's time, time for me to rejoin His people and await His coming, both at Christmas and whenever He comes again in glory.

3 comments:

Gabriel said...

I once heard a homily on how Christ came to us in a stable in the midst of the messiness of human life. And in the midst of our messy lives is where Christ meets us even now.

Blessed Advent to you!

Mother Laura said...

Oh, I'm so glad to hear all this good news, sweet Kate, especially reconnecting with the Love that is always there for you. Yayy for God and yayy for you.

(((you))).

Don't you love Advent?

Kate said...

*hugs* for you both and your kinds words. :)