Love?

Couple of really cool things happened this week.

Three, actually; the third thing is that I got a job. Money is bloody essential at this point and I even like the job, so nearly unalloyed good news, but my online time has been drastically cut back. I'll still try to post here a couple times a week, though.

The really cool things, though. Both sort of small scale, but just ... nice.

Round about Monday or so, Ray and I decided to slip off for a bit of nookie. We usually try to at least let Tim know (and invite him along if so inclined) -- I'm still always a little nervous about excluding one or the other of them, so I try to be careful about it. Tim wasn't so inclined but certainly didn't object to our fun, and I bent down and whispered in his ear that I loved him. So did Ray, which was cute enough as it was, but Tim smiled up at us and said, 'And I love you both'.

You both. It was so sweet and perfect and he just said it as if it were perfectly normal. Which for us, it is.

And then there's Ray. I'm getting awfully fond of him. I've spent some time thinking about how I feel about him, and wondering if 'liking' has slipped over into 'love' and being fairly cautious about things. I've said the L word unwisely before and I want to be really, really sure, this time.

Last night I got Ray connected to a chat thing full of people who are very dear to me. And they thanked him for being part of what's made me so happy out here in Colorado. He got to talking with a few of them about gaming; he's putting together a game for a few of us and wanted some advice. In the discussion it came out that he's been pretty nervous about GMing -- which I didn't know; he's seemed pretty confident about it all so far -- but, he said, he's had a lot of help with the confidence. As he put it, he has two people who love him unconditionally helping him out with things and believing in him.

There have been lots and lots of times where reading that would have squicked me. How dare he assume he knows how I feel? How dare he assume that? I'd've felt trapped, as if I had to pretend to those feelings whether I had them or not. As if I'd led him on.

I sat there and thought, 'Wow. He knows. He understands.

I do love him. I don't know if I'm in love with him yet, but I do love him.