Friday, October 5, 2007

Gnrr. Argh. Bleh.

That Crocs job? I made the mistake of gently pointing out to a coworker that the reason I'd done something wrong (for which she bitched at me quite a bit) was because she'd told me the wrong thing. And now, I am laid off. 'It's our slow season'. Um, yeah, with Christmas coming up, I believe that.

I am left entirely without income. I have effectively no savings and won't be able to pay next month's rent without either a job or borrowing Yet More Money from my credit cards. I keep getting interviews for jobs at the university, and then not getting them (though yes, eventually this will turn around -- it must). Today I filled out a job application at Wal-Mart.

I'm scared.

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In other news, it's been a year today since I left the ex. It's been an interesting month or so; I've been reliving a lot of stuff I'd hoped I'd left behind. I'm once again dreaming about being back with him, trapped, like I was; waking up to relief at being in Colorado, safely away.

I have to talk to him. I have to tell him I want a divorce. I have to tell him I want half the Stuff. I look forward to none of this.

I'm thinking about sending him an email. It's a copout, I know. He won't care, though; an email, for him, is as personal as a phone call. And the idea terrifies me much, much less.

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Even though I'm terrified, I'm also happy, and quite proud of myself. I've lived a year on my own. I've survived. I have my own place. I keep it pretty clean, and I like how it's arranged and decorated. I've paid all my bills and they're up-to-date. I may be barely scraping by, but I'm surviving.

I've grown so much, done so much I didn't think I was capable of. Learned so much. Gained so much.

I'm so very grateful for the past year. If I had any money, I'd treat myself to an Independence Day dinner out tonight; as it is, since I'm broke and Tim and Ray are off to a party without me, I think I'll treat myself to a good home-cooked meal. Seems more of a treat anyway.

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I'm going to kill my computer. KILLS IT I TELLS YOU.

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I rode my bike to Tim and Ray's new place Wednesday. Three miles. Then another three miles to the garden and back. Hurting? Yes. But not too bad. I had to ask for a ride home, though. Tomorrow I believe I'll do it again. Eventually (and soon!) I want to get to a point where I'm only using my car if something is out of town, or if I need to carry more than the bike can hold. Gas is expensive, and riding my bike is free.

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Calling a halt on looking for a place to live until I have a job. This frightens me but not much for it. Any place that lets me live there without having a job or other source of income is probably not a place I want to live. And if nothing else I can get a storage place for most of my stuff and move me and the cats into Tim's spare room for a bit. Not thrilled with the idea, mind you, but one does what one can with what one has.

--

Remember that job description on my last post, God? Wouldn't mind one of those right now.

8 comments:

LittleMary said...

anniversaries are good. makes you deal on a whole other level. blessings to you as you live through this one.

Mother Laura said...

Oh, Kate, I can't believe it. So very sorry to hear about the job, and will step up my prayers for you to get something as close as possible to that dream job. The university sounds like such a good prospect if right one can just pop up. In fact, I'm about to say mass and will offer it for you.

Congrats on the Independence Day though. I hope you know how brave and amazing you are.

(((you)))

Rae Trigg said...

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your job, Kate. I will pray for you and hope that you find something better.

Mrs. M said...

So much at one time, Kate. Oy.

Hugs to you.

eileen said...

((((Kate)))) Happy Independence Day.

Boo Hiss to losing your job! Feh!

I'll send out some of my "find-good-job-now" ju-ju.

Something needs to turn up.

And riding your bike, instead of driving your car is good for you and the environment!

Plain Foolish said...

*hugs* We're praying for you out here.

I really miss my old walking commute. It was a good opportunity for thought and prayer. Perhaps biking time is the same?

Rev. Sharon said...

{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry you're going through so much, love... but yes, you have a right to half of the stuff, and believe me... if he doesn't play nice and divide it fairly with you, you have the right to refuse his offer and take it to court. The Judge *will* make him divide fairly.

You have a lot of love and support here, sweetie. I know that doesn't always help on the long, dark, lonely nights... I've gritted my teeth through a few of those too, and I wish I could tell you it was otherwise...

But you are loved. A LOT. And the right job will come.

FWIW, my prayers are with you....

Love,
Sharon

Kate said...

Thanks, littlemary. Course, he hasn't _replied_ yet, so I'm about to have to step things up...

Mother Laura, thanks as always. Hanging in there...waiting to hear about the latest university interview.

*hugs* Thanks, Rae, Mrs. M.

Eileen dahling! Thanks for the juju. I'm loving the bike riding but boy does it show me how out of shape I am.

On that note, Plain Fool, biking is good contemplation time as long as I can breathe. Which is intermittently, but more often than previously.

The support does help, Sharon, though sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night and reread comments to remind myself of that. And I do exactly that, too. :)

I have a friend who's volunteered to monitor all of my communication with Lewis (not that there's been any yet) and tell me if I'm being insane, or if what I'm asking for is prefectly reasonable, if he's being out of line (or if I am), and that kind of thing. Bless her -- she's on my side but won't hesitate to tell me if I'm wrong, either.

Love you all!