Been spending a fair amount of time terrified lately. Job and money worries, the usual 'what can I do for a living that I want to do', and now the vocation and the worries about how I'm supposed to pull of that on top of everything else. And then I read a lovely post by The Kitchen Door. Please, go and read it all. Go on; I'll wait.

"How can we do this?" Mary asked how she could possibly become pregnant, but she wondered who would take care of her if she did, too. It can be pretty hard to be a single mom now, but then it was fatal. As explanations go, “an angel came” is pretty weak when you’re up against a group who could stone you for getting pregnant.

What’s her fiancé, Joseph, going to say? What will her parents say? Her priest? How can this work? Will Joseph still marry her? Will anyone believe her?

What will the baby be like? Will a Messiah be like the other babies she’s seen? Will she be a good mom? Can Joseph love this baby that isn’t his? Is there anything special she should be doing?

Is she going to have the money to feed him? Should the child Messiah go to special schools?

And more than anything: why me? Why not someone wealthy, powerful, or at least more experienced? Surely there’s someone kinder/smarter/holier that prays more/keeps house better/would know what to do with a baby.

But this young girl, this teenager, put aside her questions and fears and worries and doubts and said, "Yes. Let’s do this."

Compared to that, my problems are pretty small. Fairly unlikely to get stoned. No child to worry about (most especially not one that special), just the cats. Probably several people I'm going to have to convince of this whole vocation and a few who are going to look at me pretty funny (you've got a what?) but who's to blame them? That's about where I am still, too. Definitely a couple of people, maybe some reading this right now, who think I'm supremely unsuited for the task. Know what? I agree; but then, who is suited? We've all got our issues and our dumb moments and our unbelief. We're none of us perfect; we're all sinners.

But for all of my worries and my 'how am I gonna do this' and my 'Domine, non sum dignus', I can know one thing: God loves me. And so one way or the other, it's gonna work out. If He picked me, He picked right, and I can trust in that.

Being a conduit for the Word

This is why I know it's not just me making this whole thing up.

Not two hours after I posted my previous 'what do I do now' plaint I read this in a lovely, thoughtful post in Quaker Pagan Reflections:

I applied for membership in Mount Toby the day after I spoke in meeting for the first time. I'd been attending for over a year, but I was really blown away by what a profound experience it was to speak in meeting. It’s inexpressible to anyone who hasn’t experienced something like it. There are words that describe it, but like other very profound feelings, the words are just prattle unless you’ve been there. I felt stretched by the message passing through me, and a little wobbly when I sat down again, and—this is the important part—I felt like when my spirit contracted again, back to its normal just-human size, it never shrank back quite all the way. I was left forever afterwards a little bit larger for been a conduit for something so vast and deep.

That conduit? I think that's what I want to be.I still don't know how or 'what do I do next' but I think maybe I have an eye on where I'm heading.

Okay, shooshing now.

Lyons, Colorado is the kind of little town where on any given day there's a fair chance you'll be able to stand in the middle of Main Street for upwards of several minutes without worrying about a car coming past any time soon. Which is exactly what I just got back from doing, because bang over Main Street, perfectly circling the little church a block away, was a rainbow.

Those worries in my last post? Less worrying now. Because if I don't take this hint, then next one will likely involve a brick to the forehead.