It's been busy...

...real busy. No pictures, cos the basement still looks more or less like it did a week and a half ago. There's been some slow improvement, but not much.

Finishing moving out sucked. It always does, of course, but extra-specially. I tried not to look across the street to Tim's too often but it was hard. I just have such anger, and such a profound feeling of betrayal.

Had a friend show up to help on the last day. Which was Thursday -- several days left before the end of the month -- but last weekend was Crossroads, a big SCA event, and I wanted to drop the keys off Friday and get on site and set up. I'd carefully arranged things so all that was left in the old place was the stuff for the event, so we emptied the apartment and got me packed for the event all at the same time. Thanks Savina! Seriously, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

I didn't clean the place. At all. I had no energy left. I've heard from several people that the company pretty much doesn't return security deposits anyway, so what the hell, you know?

...and every time I've mentioned this fact to folks, they reply with some variant of 'But that's illegal!'. Yep. And this company rents to poor people, often immigrants, and the heck are we going to afford a lawyer even if we had any trust in the US justice system at all? Hahahaha yeah, right.

So anyway, woke up Friday planning to go to the event and my body said NO. Given it'd been...well, since before the Bad Day that I'd had a break, I could be behind this. So I putzed around, got a few small things done, did an errand or two including returning the keys (yay less weight!), and in general found out that I'm not ready for Days Off yet -- I get to thinking. So I'm not sure how the hell to handle that. I need them, but they really don't help other than physically.

Blech. That'll get better, I know, but right now it's cranky-making. I want to be able to nap, sit and read a book, just go and laze in the sun, and mostly that just makes things worse. (I can read for a while if I'm careful though.) Too Much Thinking.

I know I need to process it all, but right now I'm keeping it to small doses so I'm not overwhelmed. And mostly at my therapist's office.

He's so new he squeaks. And cute, too, which doesn't hurt. But I think he's gonna work okay. We'll see. I have no issue asking for someone else if he doesn't.

So anyway, I get to Crossroads elevenish and start setting up. There were already about five merchants there and I think I missed the morning rush -- it was quiet the rest of the weekend and I made about half of what I'd hoped. So up come the money worries again, argh, HATES THEM WE DO.

Other than that I had...well, there were dark times, and there was crying, and saying 'I had a good time' is overly optimistic and kind of dismisses the pain that's still definitely there. But there were good moments, too, and there was a bit of laughing from time to time, and I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in way, way too long.

Home Monday and right back out to a picnic. There were several people I didn't know and I kind of retreated into staring but whatever, I hadn't slept well for two nights so I'll live.

Money's looking somewhat better with a couple of biggish orders from friends so I might survive June after all. Starting in July there are a lot more events so I should be okay with money for a while I hope.

I _know_, in my head, that the money will turn out to be okay -- my expenses have plummeted and the business _is_ building. But I don't believe it yet, and I worry and worry. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while.

Blah blah blabber. That's how it goes though.

From chaos...

...comes order.





Moving went well yesterday -- much thanks to Bri, Grellan, Mel, Frost, Claire, Kat, and Savina. Only we forgot to actually carry the loveseat out! Well, I have a couple more days.

There's a little left (there always is) plus a bunch of things for the event this weekend. I didn't see any use in moving them, then putting them right back in the car, so I'm packing them last.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster -- crashing lows to near-normalcy. I hope things smooth out. Today started well -- I got the above-pictured shelves put together -- but the afternoon got really tough and I had to slog through packing kitchen stuff at the old place. Starting to worry about having enough boxes, too.

Sale's over as of tonight. Went really well, and I even got a last-minute sale or two. Good thing -- it's paying the bills. Money's still tight, but what's new?

At least I have my Loiosh (currently helping with the typing).

Really belated thanks

to Madpriest for putting his vast readership to work offering prayers. My apologies for taking so long to get round to this post.

Friday

Cribbed from my shop blog, cos I totally have the energy to do two posts only not.



Just don't have the energy for a feature post this week. I've been packing and moving and taking things apart and basically wedging my entire life into a box, and unlike every other move in my life I don't even have the excitement of something awesome to look forward to on the other side. It's a nice enough place, and the people are great, and it's just not at all what I wanted.

I just want it done. The big move is Sunday and I don't have a lot of help lined up -- I hope a few people pop up at the last moment. I'm worried about that, but I'm worried about everything these days so that should come as no surprise.

I've also been busy with the sale and that is some unmitigated good news -- the sale has gone wonderfully, with both regular and new customers buying quite a lot. I'll have to do a lot of production once I'm unpacked to get my stock back up -- and that's perfect, exactly what I wanted. Things have died down a little but I plan to continue the sale through the weekend, so there's still a chance to save money. It really is time to get ready for spring, too, with bug stuff and sunburn stuff and all that.

Yesterday was a really hard day. The phone woke me up, and even at my best being woken up like that will generally throw me off for an hour or two. Then I had religious proselytizers pounding on the door -- and I mean pounding -- until I didn't feel safe leaving my office. And so it continued; I was frazzled and scared and unfocused until I found a friend to talk to online, and then I was most okay until it was time to leave for the intake thing.

Which went well, but I cried a lot during the private part. The news was very good -- I already have my first appointment with a therapist. I'm very impressed with how they run things, so far, and I'm hopeful they'll be able to help me out. Good overall, but very stressful, and by the time I was done, I was done. Shaky, anxious, hungry, all I wanted to do was eat something, take an anti-anxiety med and go to bed.

It was, like, five, so that was right out. And my friend Dwen was coming over to help pack and take things apart, so I just had to hang on.

So I did. I managed to eat something, tried to read a book. Tried sitting at the computer. Tried doing a little packing, meditation, finally gave up and took a pill; still shaky and riding the edge of a panic attack.

Found another friend online to talk to. I swear, human contact is the best thing ever. She kindly stayed with me until Dwen showed up, and after that I was too busy to worry -- we got the bed, one of the tables, and the big Ikea shelves taken apart, and I got a lot of general packing done, too. Which at least ended the day on an up note. I'll take it.

Two weeks in

I dreamt, last night, that I went to visit him in his new place, just to talk, to see him again. He talked about thinking about how he wanted to integrate me back into his life -- as a friend; we have both (in real life) talked about eventually becoming friends again.

And then, in the dream, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me gently, and then just held me.

And then I woke up.

Getting up this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Thursday.

Woke up shaky. Did my leg lifts, ate a couple of nuts, trying to get the metabolism up. Indifferent success -- still shaky a couple hours later.

Got a bunch more stuff moved last night. Some of it was moving stuff out of Tim's. That was...painful. So many good memories, and they all hurt now.

Opened up an email he'd sent me a month or two ago about a big upcoming SCA event I need to register for. First two words were 'Morning love!'. Almost broke me again.

So much pain.

--

Just had to go have a cry. Not a good cry -- you feel better after those.

--

I'm having a sale in my shop. Somehow even without having to pay an exorbitant rent I seem to still not have enough money. Well, I haven't had a lot of spare energy to do much with it, so that should come as no surprise, but I'm still broke.

This _will_ get better. It has to. I can't keep up with days like this.

Tuesday

Today's better than yesterday. Okay, that's not saying so much, I guess, but there it is.

Hung on until I could go over to Bri's. Actually got a couple boxes in the car, and then back out on the other side -- so something accomplished anyway. Watched the new Star Trek for the second time in three days, watched Sahara. Had popcorn. Talked to Bri.

The physical weakness is secondary to the depression itself -- apparently my metabolism drops into the toilet -- so I'm okay to push myself physically, some, as long as I don't overdo it. This is useful information, because I really had lost faith in my ability to judge my own limits.

Emotionally, she says that as long as I'm not withdrawing entirely, or spending the whole day in bed repeatedly, I should stay in my comfort zone, and not try to push myself there. I'm okay with this. I'm having a hard enough time getting through without pushing myself to try to deal with things I'm not ready for yet.

I should do a bit of exercise as soon as I get up -- leg lifts is what she suggested and what I did -- to try to bump up my metabolism. And eat as soon as I can after getting up, and not simple-carb-processed-sugar crap like I have been. I find logic in this; fortunately I have some good cereal around, for as long as it lasts.

I don't know if this is taking effect already, or if I was just due for a better day than yesterday. I'll take it though.

Very concerned about where I'm going to live after my initial grace period at Bri and Rich's is up. I'm not sure why -- I have a couple of offers -- but there it is. I suspect part of it, after last week, is the worry that once again someone will change their mind at the last minute and I'll be screwed. I'm going to be working through that one for a while.

I was hoping to go to fighter practice tonight -- seeing people would be good -- but the weather is craptastic so once again I'm heading over to Rich & Bri's for the evening. Might stay over there. Might not. One step at a time.

I did dishes today. Made a quesadilla _and_ ate it. Got an order ready to ship out. Did some job-related online stuff -- posted in my shop blog, commented in a few places, stuff I usually do daily but haven't had the energy or focus to do for weeks. Not calling this a turnaround but it's certainly a step.

Going to put some things in the car and then head out. Overall a pretty fruitful day. May tomorrow hold together as well -- we'll see.