Two weeks in

I dreamt, last night, that I went to visit him in his new place, just to talk, to see him again. He talked about thinking about how he wanted to integrate me back into his life -- as a friend; we have both (in real life) talked about eventually becoming friends again.

And then, in the dream, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me gently, and then just held me.

And then I woke up.

Getting up this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Thursday.

Woke up shaky. Did my leg lifts, ate a couple of nuts, trying to get the metabolism up. Indifferent success -- still shaky a couple hours later.

Got a bunch more stuff moved last night. Some of it was moving stuff out of Tim's. That was...painful. So many good memories, and they all hurt now.

Opened up an email he'd sent me a month or two ago about a big upcoming SCA event I need to register for. First two words were 'Morning love!'. Almost broke me again.

So much pain.

--

Just had to go have a cry. Not a good cry -- you feel better after those.

--

I'm having a sale in my shop. Somehow even without having to pay an exorbitant rent I seem to still not have enough money. Well, I haven't had a lot of spare energy to do much with it, so that should come as no surprise, but I'm still broke.

This _will_ get better. It has to. I can't keep up with days like this.

Tuesday

Today's better than yesterday. Okay, that's not saying so much, I guess, but there it is.

Hung on until I could go over to Bri's. Actually got a couple boxes in the car, and then back out on the other side -- so something accomplished anyway. Watched the new Star Trek for the second time in three days, watched Sahara. Had popcorn. Talked to Bri.

The physical weakness is secondary to the depression itself -- apparently my metabolism drops into the toilet -- so I'm okay to push myself physically, some, as long as I don't overdo it. This is useful information, because I really had lost faith in my ability to judge my own limits.

Emotionally, she says that as long as I'm not withdrawing entirely, or spending the whole day in bed repeatedly, I should stay in my comfort zone, and not try to push myself there. I'm okay with this. I'm having a hard enough time getting through without pushing myself to try to deal with things I'm not ready for yet.

I should do a bit of exercise as soon as I get up -- leg lifts is what she suggested and what I did -- to try to bump up my metabolism. And eat as soon as I can after getting up, and not simple-carb-processed-sugar crap like I have been. I find logic in this; fortunately I have some good cereal around, for as long as it lasts.

I don't know if this is taking effect already, or if I was just due for a better day than yesterday. I'll take it though.

Very concerned about where I'm going to live after my initial grace period at Bri and Rich's is up. I'm not sure why -- I have a couple of offers -- but there it is. I suspect part of it, after last week, is the worry that once again someone will change their mind at the last minute and I'll be screwed. I'm going to be working through that one for a while.

I was hoping to go to fighter practice tonight -- seeing people would be good -- but the weather is craptastic so once again I'm heading over to Rich & Bri's for the evening. Might stay over there. Might not. One step at a time.

I did dishes today. Made a quesadilla _and_ ate it. Got an order ready to ship out. Did some job-related online stuff -- posted in my shop blog, commented in a few places, stuff I usually do daily but haven't had the energy or focus to do for weeks. Not calling this a turnaround but it's certainly a step.

Going to put some things in the car and then head out. Overall a pretty fruitful day. May tomorrow hold together as well -- we'll see.

It's almost a week later, and sometimes I hurt so bad I can't see straight.

I'm going to be moving in with some friends for a while -- I can't afford to live on my own any more, and it's going to be a while before I have the energy for more than bare-bones day-to-day running of the business. I have an order I should have shipped out last Thursday sitting on my desk still, because I haven't been capable of driving the half-mile to the post office to ship it (fortunately the customer is patient).

I packed a box today. It took about an hour of 'pack for a minute, sit down for ten'. I can barely walk at times. I shake near constantly.

I can't get into the mental health center until the 20th. I need to hang on until then.

I never imagined there could be this much pain in the world.

It's only partly the fact that in the end he chose Ray. That hurts -- I thought I meant more to him than that -- but what really hurts, what really tells me I can't trust him, is that he changed his mind.

I was worried, after his first choice. He felt distant, odd, and I worried that he'd change his mind. But I told myself, no, he's a man of his word; he wouldn't _do_ that to me.

And then he did.

How can there be this much pain?

--

I need to move by the end of the month. In fact, I need to be moved before then -- the last weekend of the month is a big SCA event that I need to sell at, so I have money to pay my bills, to pay the (thankfully small) rent at the place I'll be moving to. So the big moving day will be the 23rd, and I need to be packed by then.

Today, I've packed one box. This isn't a packing rate that's going to get me done by then.

But I can't move. I can barely walk today. I made it out to the car and back once, and I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again.

I have been smashed down to absolutely nothing and I don't know how to rebuild -- I'm not sure there's enough of me left to rebuild _with_. Pushing myself in the slightest leads to near-collapse. Trying to rest leads to thinking...and right now thinking hurts too bad.

I'm grateful for my friends -- my true friends. I'm finding out who they are, and there are a lot of them who are doing a lot to help take care of me.

I'm grateful for my cats. I don't know if I'd've lasted this long without them. Loiosh has clung even closer to me than usual, and so has Chocolate, when I'm home. I try not to think where I'd be without them.

--

Andro took me out for a while yesterday -- to the garden center, then to his place to work on his garden a little and watch a movie, then out for sushi. There were a few times I almost felt happy, and I'm trying to cling to that memory now. It's very hard, though; today is the sort of day where I don't see the possibility of ever being happy again.

I know, rationally, that it'll get better. I'm not giving up. But right now it's so hard...so hard.

Pray for me...

I'm barely hanging on.

Only not.

This will be brief and disjointed. I am broken. Devastated.

I realized that I could not be happy with sharing Tim...that I needed to be with him, or over him. That, as I told him, he had to choose.

Deep in the depths of despair, asking God to let him avoid this cup, he chose me...and then, three days later, rescinded his choice.

Now all three of us are hurt -- Ray isn't sure he wants Tim back, Tim know he's hurt both of us, and I am...broken, devastated.

How can this be okay? How can the three of us, trying to do the best we could, have hurt each other and ourselves so very much?