When I Was a Boy

An interesting St. Michael...

2011-02-15T16:41:00.003-07:00

This isn't the sort of St. Michael I've seen before...

...looks kinda Hindu-god-esque, doesn't He?

No idea of the original source of the pic though I got it from here.

Things are going pretty well. Ready to move out on my own again. Will be in Tennessee for at least another year, just cos the cost of living is SO low. Gives me space to pay off bills and save money. After that...we'll see.

Reverb10, final edition

2011-01-06T21:04:00.002-07:00

Blurf.

27) Ordinary Joy: Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

One moment? Every moment that I wake up with my Chocolate-kitty snuggled up next to me.

28) Achieve: What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

The bus. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, you'll see.

How I'll feel:

Mobile. More connected, since it'll be so much easier to visit people. Independent. Free. OMG free. I'll be able to slow down. I'll be able to travel as slowly as I like. I'll be able to go WHEREVER I WANT.

10 things I need to do to get there (yeah, I wasn't reading closely enough):

1) Pay credit cards off, or down
2) Save money towards bus
3) Improve credit rating in case I find something I can get financing on
4) Build Om Shanti Handcrafts
5) Build Hot Glue Media
6) Learn to drive something that damn big
7) Figure out the best state to use as 'home base'
8) Find someone in that state to handle my mail
9) Figure out how to take care of prescriptions on the road
10) Move in and GO OMG GO

29) Defining Moment: Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

When Tim changed his FUCKING MIND.

30) Gift: This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

Safety and a place to heal, from Sohbet House

31) Core Story: What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

Be who you are. Stop being afraid. Don't listen to society. Save yourself. Be wicked. Take your time. Do it right. Do one thing at a time; if that's too much, do half a thing at a time. Nobody can take the sky from you, and your story is not done.

How do I share it? Quoting other peoples' songs too much, apparently.

More Reverb10

2010-12-28T19:58:00.003-07:00

16) Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

...I still don't know how to answer this one. Most of my revelations -- at least the good ones -- came from people I don't know.

17) Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

This one is supposed to be about a good lesson. What did I learn this year? Don't trust.

18) Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

There is no try, only do.

(...seriously, guys. Seriously?)

19) Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

What healing I've done has mostly been on my own. Sohbet House has helped; Loiosh and Chocolate and even Samson have helped. But most of it has been me, most of it has been just sheer dogged 'I have no choice' jury-rigged rough stitches.

So much of this is coming out far grimmer than I feel, than I've felt for maybe the last month or so. I really am doing okay. Moment to moment, day to day, I'm doing pretty well. But thinking back over the year? There was a lot of suck. There was a lot of grim. There was a lot of hurt. There's a lot still there, buried under layers of recovery and scarring, that I'll be digging out for a long time. You don't heal this level of betrayal this quickly. But little by little, I am getting truly _better_.

This exercise, though, this bit of reminiscing if you will, is really allowing a lot of the anger and hurt and pain to come out and express itself, though. This is a good thing. But painful to go through. Painful to watch as well, I'm sure. Hang in there. It does get better.

20) Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

Right now the only thing I can think of is getting my damn business license moved to Tennessee from Colorado. I really need to get off my ass and make that happen.

Lots of things I'd've liked to be able to avoid I had thrown in my face, though.

21) Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

...I, uh.

I've _never_ been good at this.

I don't know where I'll be in five years. I can imagine, sort of, I can plan, I can guess, but I don't know, so how can I write what I'd say to my current self?

Me from ten years ago: Yes, you _can_ get out. Yes, he _is_ abusive. Yes, what he's doing is _not_ right. No, it is _not_ your fault, and you do _not_ deserve it. Pick yourself up and fly free.

Also, be sure to be at that SCA event in June 2008 so you can get Loiosh from Aldyth, no matter what else is going on.

22) Travel. How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

How did I travel? A lot. All over. With Loiosh. Joyously. Not enough. Next year? More.

23) New name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

My name is Kate. I've already chosen it; I see no need to change it.

24) Everything's OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

When I wake up in the morning, in the sun, with my Chocolate snuggled up next to me purring, I know it's gonna be okay.

25) Photo. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

The one someone took and Andrea's wedding, of me and Loiosh, both looking contemplative. Me in green blouse and with my hair partly down, Loiosh with a blue bow and his paw draped protectively, possessively, comfortably over my shoulder. My Momma. My baby boy.

26) Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

Near everything I've eaten at Sohbet House, though I don't agree with some of their diet choices. Many of the things I've cooked for my mom this week, which have been tasty and have also shown that at least part of my cooking anxiety is cooking for people who are good cooks -- having been married to a man who 'knew' I couldn't cook, with a mother who 'knew' that nobody she wasn't related to could cook, has kinda made me a little nervous about cooking for people who know what they're doing.

Cooking for my mom, though? Easy. Fun. Tasty. Enjoyable. She likes what I make. She eats it, appreciates it, enjoys it. It's a happiness.

...and I think I've run out. I'll leave a few questions for later. And I'll post ... well, after I get home I guess, it'll be the new year but oh well. Won't have access up at Aunt Ann's. Which is fine. This isn't easy for me and I don't mind a break at all.

It's been a good trip. Probably the easiest visit I've had with my mom and my sister in years. There are still difficulties -- there are going to be. I'm so profoundly different. And, frankly, my mom at least is so profoundly unhappy. I want t help but she doesn't think it can get better, so it just gets on her nerves.

I can't help unless she wants to make it better. I know this. But I want to help.

Post-Christmas snow

2010-12-27T08:24:00.002-07:00

So my mom and I are snowed in. This is not near as bad as it could be, since it seems that we have finally learned how to hang out with each other without too much misunderstanding going on. Mostly.

Loiosh is being completely pestiferous (he's bored) and I may duct-tape him to something.

My sister got me a webcam. Whee! We're trying to get it figured out. Have I mentioned I hate having my picture taken and also don't like talking over anything like a phone?

But I have a nephew now, and I do want to see him grow up. So...yeah.

LOOK TWO DAYS IN A ROW

2010-12-22T20:55:00.002-07:00

I am perhaps tired and also a little punchy. On the road for eight hours today, more or less, on the way up to PA to visit the family for the first time in far too long.

Did some more reverb10 writing. It's a little disjointed. By which I mean a lot. Kinda raw. But here it is.

--

9) Party

I, uhh.

I know I went to a party or two this year.

There was the one where Loiosh ate so much of Aldyth's steak that he couldn't sit down around his belly.

There was the Halloween party at Sohbet House.

I think there was a party at Andro's.

...it wasn't a good year for parties. I guess.

10) Wisdom.

Wise decisions?

I made a lot of dumb ones, in the beginning of the year.

I made some very necessary ones through the middle. Most of those were a clear matter of 'least sucky' though.

I guess moving to Tennessee. It's been good for me.

I don't know. Today is a tough one for thinking I've done well, I guess, though it's been a good _day_, as such.

11) 11 things

1 - Fear
2 - Debt
3 - Excess stuff (not much of that left, but there's still some).
4 - ...

I don't know. I've already gotten rid of so much. I've already _lost_ so much.

12) Body Integration

What is this I don't even.

13) Action

Driving the rest of the way to my mom's tomorrow.

...this is larger than it seems. Some of my important things ( and some of the reasons for the Bus Project) are interaction and connection, and travel for the purpose of same. Driving north to see my blood family for the first time in a year and a half -- and my nephew for the first time EVER -- is way, way a part of that.

It was SO so nice to get on the road today. I love my roommates and I love where I live -- don't get me wrong. But getting in the car -- just me and Loiosh -- and driving, going where _I_ wanted, on very little schedule but my own...that was awesome.

It was time to GO.

Soon it'll be really, really time to go.

(Must remember to actually post about the Bus Project.)

14) Appreciate

One thing?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAyeah.

My friends.

My cats.

My own resilience.

My Aunt Ann.

My friend Dani.

I guess those last two come under 'friends' but.

Whatever.

15) 5 minutes.

There was this guy. And he fucked me over when I was pretty vulnerable. Then my friends saved my ass. The end.

16) ...

Yeah, I'm maybe not in quite the right place to be doing these tonight. I might try some of them again tomorrow. But right now, I'm just flinging words at the screen without really thinking about it.

Which has its value, don't get me wrong, but this is supposed to be contemplative, not brainstorm-ey. So I dunno, whatever.

Reverb10

2010-12-21T16:11:00.002-07:00

So I've decided to open up a lot more on my shop blog. There's a certain amount of 'instead of here' implied there, I think. I don't know. I don't see posting the same thing in both places. That doesn't make sense. But there's still stuff I don't feel safe sharing on my shop blog, so maybe there's still a space for this one. Although frankly my heart hasn't been here for well over a year now.

But then...my heart hasn't been much of anywhere, when it comes to writing, for well over a year now.

I don't know.

In the meantime, I just found Reverb10 and have decided to use it as a guide for reviewing the last year. It's been a hell of a year and no mistake, and I thought that I could maybe use a little help in processing it all.

I wrote a little over 750 words on it today -- answering the first 8 prompts. I kind of wish I'd started at the beginning of the month, though I don't think I was in quite the right place for it then either, so I don't know. But just the little bit I wrote today helped me figure a couple of things out. So here, I'll share it, in all its raw, unedited glory.

--

1) One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

Simplify.

It's not quite the right word, but I don't know of a word that encapsulates it all. Deliberately and not. Planned and not. Gentle simplifications, like taking a few shirts I never wear and putting them into the pile to go to the Salvation Army. Painful, traumatic ones like getting dumped and moving from home to Tennessee. I've been stripping away everything but the bare essentials. Paring away the unnecessary. Peeling away everything that doesn't help me be me. Shearing off the things I don't need.

It's kinda sucked.

A lot.

But I'm better for it, in the end. I'm lighter. I'm more focused. I'm...tighter? My things are closer around me (and by 'things' I mostly don't mean _things_) since now I have so few of them that there's space for them all.

Next year at this time? A single word.

I don't know. I want to continue paying down debts. That's a big one; it's a weight. I want to keep working for Dani, cos it's money and also it's _awesome_. I want to keep building Om Shanti Handcrafts. I want to blog more. I want to ...

...

...there it is. Open. I want to open up. I want to be more _me_, now that I've simplified enough, lightened enough, that I can begin to know who that is.

2) Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

What's been getting in the way of it? All the crap I've shed in the last year. And the depression. And the things-not-being-set-up-right. Cos I got my desk set up, with my desktop on it, and blogs started happening immediately. All of that is dealt with, or at least in the process of being dealt with, and now there's just the 'I don't know what to write', a lot of which is rooted in 'I'm afraid to write', so it's just a matter of continuing to shed the fear.

Which is another thing I simplified away last year -- or began to -- even with all the excitement, I'm less _afraid_.

3) Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

After some thought I've got to go with walking barefoot in the field across the road from Rich and Bri's. It was morning, still turning from cool to warm, dry Colorado breeze caressing, sun warming, grass still cool against my feet. Little scent to the air in the dry, that time of year. But I walked from light to shadow and back and felt the grass change from warm and dry, to cool and damp still with dew, to dry and warm and tickly again as I walked.

It says something, I think, that my clearest one dates back to over six months ago. I need to be in the moment again. I need to live there.

4) Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

By paying attention. By looking, smelling, listening. By being.

5) Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Tim. A future. Hopes. A life. A love. My heart. My plans. Colorado. Mountains. Security.

6) Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

A batch of cafe mocha soap, yesterday. I melted the soap in two turns through the microwave, stirred in the honey halfway through. Measured out the flavouring, spooned in coffee ground until it looked right. Stirred and stirred and stirred, patient. Kept the grounds stirred in instead of settling to the bottom.

You need to pay close attention as it cools -- it'll go from liquid to almost a gel very quickly, and you need to pour it at just the right time. Too soon, and the coffee grounds settle to the bottom. Too late, and it's too think and won't pour right.

I caught it at just the right time. The soap is a beautiful even tan, with the grounds scattered through. I wrapped it up today and it's sitting, waiting to be sold.

7) Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Sohbet House. Waya's family. The local Etsy people. The local SCA people. Just the beginnings of community, with the latter, but it's there.

Twitter (after giving up twice). Hot Glue Media.

I'm still not getting too close to anyone. It'll be a while, I think, before I feel safe doing that again. If I walk alone for a while, though, it's okay. I have plenty of people to walk with for a bit along the way.

8) Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

My relationship with cats. My simplicity. My sense of smell. My slightly compulsive way of making popcorn. My not giving much of a shit what people think.

More tomorrow.

2010-12-21T16:10:00.003-07:00

Hahahaha yeah, cos _that_ totally worked.

So yeah. I'm in Tennessee now. With friends. It's all good. Slowly recovering, by which I mean actually getting better. Got a job working online for a friend. Loiosh has craptastic manners when it comes to cats he doesn't know. Hoping to write more? Not gonna guarantee anything, cos hahahaha yeah.

But I'm not dead, and I'm still here, and that kinda counts, right?

Thought Questions

2010-09-24T19:42:00.004-06:00

Started doing these over at my LJ, figured I'd carry them over to here as well. Questions posted daily at ThoughtQuestions.com.

Paying the bills. The challenge of marketing. Serving my customers. New scents, new products. Blogging (though obviously not recently). Getting to see my friends at shows (and half the places I buy ingredients). Getting to take Loiosh out. Making batches of five different things at once, and keeping track of them all. Writing. The joy of organizing things.

Long-Belated Update

2010-08-02T12:24:00.001-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted about myself. For a month or two it's because I was busy with work, and because I was slowly improving, and there's not a lot of news there. But the last few weeks, it's been because I've been sliding back downhill, and didn't have the energy to say anything.

Depression is not a simple thing. It's not like the flu or something, where you're miserable for a while, and then you start feeling better, and soon enough you're okay again. It's something I fight every day, just to get up in the morning, just to do my daily Etsy item renewal and Facebook posts. And the last few weeks that fight has been very hard.

I've kept going because I don't feel that I have a lot of choices otherwise. Even with the very low rent I'm paying here I'm still having trouble meeting expenses, and if I let up, I won't be able to do so at all. I'm taking time off, don't fear, and I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's hard when nothing I usually enjoy is any fun at all.

I haven't been able to do near as much online promoting as usual and July's online sales have reflected that. I'm glad I did as well as I did at the SCA events I sold at, because otherwise I wouldn't have made it through the month. There are several in August as well, so I should be okay, but in September they start getting sparse again, so I need to kick up my online presence, and to be honest I don't entirely remember how.

I know I used to spend six to eight hours a day online, working on the shop, promoting things, and I don't even remember what I spent all that time doing. I renew items every weekday and post them to Facebook, and sometimes I have the energy for a blog post, and that's about it. It doesn't take a lot of time and then I'm back to reading blogs and staring into space and trying to think what else I can do.

It's not all bad news -- I'm on a new medication, which should start helping within another week or so -- but right now it's hard to really believe it gets better. So have patience with me; I'm working on it.

Sorry for the babbling, and thanks for listening.

It's been busy...

2010-06-03T11:09:00.003-06:00

...real busy. No pictures, cos the basement still looks more or less like it did a week and a half ago. There's been some slow improvement, but not much.

Finishing moving out sucked. It always does, of course, but extra-specially. I tried not to look across the street to Tim's too often but it was hard. I just have such anger, and such a profound feeling of betrayal.

Had a friend show up to help on the last day. Which was Thursday -- several days left before the end of the month -- but last weekend was Crossroads, a big SCA event, and I wanted to drop the keys off Friday and get on site and set up. I'd carefully arranged things so all that was left in the old place was the stuff for the event, so we emptied the apartment and got me packed for the event all at the same time. Thanks Savina! Seriously, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

I didn't clean the place. At all. I had no energy left. I've heard from several people that the company pretty much doesn't return security deposits anyway, so what the hell, you know?

...and every time I've mentioned this fact to folks, they reply with some variant of 'But that's illegal!'. Yep. And this company rents to poor people, often immigrants, and the heck are we going to afford a lawyer even if we had any trust in the US justice system at all? Hahahaha yeah, right.

So anyway, woke up Friday planning to go to the event and my body said NO. Given it'd been...well, since before the Bad Day that I'd had a break, I could be behind this. So I putzed around, got a few small things done, did an errand or two including returning the keys (yay less weight!), and in general found out that I'm not ready for Days Off yet -- I get to thinking. So I'm not sure how the hell to handle that. I need them, but they really don't help other than physically.

Blech. That'll get better, I know, but right now it's cranky-making. I want to be able to nap, sit and read a book, just go and laze in the sun, and mostly that just makes things worse. (I can read for a while if I'm careful though.) Too Much Thinking.

I know I need to process it all, but right now I'm keeping it to small doses so I'm not overwhelmed. And mostly at my therapist's office.

He's so new he squeaks. And cute, too, which doesn't hurt. But I think he's gonna work okay. We'll see. I have no issue asking for someone else if he doesn't.

So anyway, I get to Crossroads elevenish and start setting up. There were already about five merchants there and I think I missed the morning rush -- it was quiet the rest of the weekend and I made about half of what I'd hoped. So up come the money worries again, argh, HATES THEM WE DO.

Other than that I had...well, there were dark times, and there was crying, and saying 'I had a good time' is overly optimistic and kind of dismisses the pain that's still definitely there. But there were good moments, too, and there was a bit of laughing from time to time, and I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in way, way too long.

Home Monday and right back out to a picnic. There were several people I didn't know and I kind of retreated into staring but whatever, I hadn't slept well for two nights so I'll live.

Money's looking somewhat better with a couple of biggish orders from friends so I might survive June after all. Starting in July there are a lot more events so I should be okay with money for a while I hope.

I _know_, in my head, that the money will turn out to be okay -- my expenses have plummeted and the business _is_ building. But I don't believe it yet, and I worry and worry. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while.

Blah blah blabber. That's how it goes though.

From chaos...

2010-05-24T20:07:00.000-06:00

...comes order.

Moving went well yesterday -- much thanks to Bri, Grellan, Mel, Frost, Claire, Kat, and Savina. Only we forgot to actually carry the loveseat out! Well, I have a couple more days.

There's a little left (there always is) plus a bunch of things for the event this weekend. I didn't see any use in moving them, then putting them right back in the car, so I'm packing them last.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster -- crashing lows to near-normalcy. I hope things smooth out. Today started well -- I got the above-pictured shelves put together -- but the afternoon got really tough and I had to slog through packing kitchen stuff at the old place. Starting to worry about having enough boxes, too.

Sale's over as of tonight. Went really well, and I even got a last-minute sale or two. Good thing -- it's paying the bills. Money's still tight, but what's new?

At least I have my Loiosh (currently helping with the typing).

Really belated thanks

2010-05-21T13:18:00.001-06:00

to Madpriest for putting his vast readership to work offering prayers. My apologies for taking so long to get round to this post.

Friday

2010-05-21T11:50:00.000-06:00

Cribbed from my shop blog, cos I totally have the energy to do two posts only not.

Just don't have the energy for a feature post this week. I've been packing and moving and taking things apart and basically wedging my entire life into a box, and unlike every other move in my life I don't even have the excitement of something awesome to look forward to on the other side. It's a nice enough place, and the people are great, and it's just not at all what I wanted.

I just want it done. The big move is Sunday and I don't have a lot of help lined up -- I hope a few people pop up at the last moment. I'm worried about that, but I'm worried about everything these days so that should come as no surprise.

I've also been busy with the sale and that is some unmitigated good news -- the sale has gone wonderfully, with both regular and new customers buying quite a lot. I'll have to do a lot of production once I'm unpacked to get my stock back up -- and that's perfect, exactly what I wanted. Things have died down a little but I plan to continue the sale through the weekend, so there's still a chance to save money. It really is time to get ready for spring, too, with bug stuff and sunburn stuff and all that.

Yesterday was a really hard day. The phone woke me up, and even at my best being woken up like that will generally throw me off for an hour or two. Then I had religious proselytizers pounding on the door -- and I mean pounding -- until I didn't feel safe leaving my office. And so it continued; I was frazzled and scared and unfocused until I found a friend to talk to online, and then I was most okay until it was time to leave for the intake thing.

Which went well, but I cried a lot during the private part. The news was very good -- I already have my first appointment with a therapist. I'm very impressed with how they run things, so far, and I'm hopeful they'll be able to help me out. Good overall, but very stressful, and by the time I was done, I was done. Shaky, anxious, hungry, all I wanted to do was eat something, take an anti-anxiety med and go to bed.

It was, like, five, so that was right out. And my friend Dwen was coming over to help pack and take things apart, so I just had to hang on.

So I did. I managed to eat something, tried to read a book. Tried sitting at the computer. Tried doing a little packing, meditation, finally gave up and took a pill; still shaky and riding the edge of a panic attack.

Found another friend online to talk to. I swear, human contact is the best thing ever. She kindly stayed with me until Dwen showed up, and after that I was too busy to worry -- we got the bed, one of the tables, and the big Ikea shelves taken apart, and I got a lot of general packing done, too. Which at least ended the day on an up note. I'll take it.

Two weeks in

2010-05-18T12:12:00.001-06:00

I dreamt, last night, that I went to visit him in his new place, just to talk, to see him again. He talked about thinking about how he wanted to integrate me back into his life -- as a friend; we have both (in real life) talked about eventually becoming friends again.

And then, in the dream, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me gently, and then just held me.

And then I woke up.

Getting up this morning was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Thursday.

2010-05-13T11:58:00.003-06:00

Woke up shaky. Did my leg lifts, ate a couple of nuts, trying to get the metabolism up. Indifferent success -- still shaky a couple hours later.

Got a bunch more stuff moved last night. Some of it was moving stuff out of Tim's. That was...painful. So many good memories, and they all hurt now.

Opened up an email he'd sent me a month or two ago about a big upcoming SCA event I need to register for. First two words were 'Morning love!'. Almost broke me again.

So much pain.

--

Just had to go have a cry. Not a good cry -- you feel better after those.

--

I'm having a sale in my shop. Somehow even without having to pay an exorbitant rent I seem to still not have enough money. Well, I haven't had a lot of spare energy to do much with it, so that should come as no surprise, but I'm still broke.

This _will_ get better. It has to. I can't keep up with days like this.

Tuesday

2010-05-11T15:23:00.002-06:00

Today's better than yesterday. Okay, that's not saying so much, I guess, but there it is.

Hung on until I could go over to Bri's. Actually got a couple boxes in the car, and then back out on the other side -- so something accomplished anyway. Watched the new Star Trek for the second time in three days, watched Sahara. Had popcorn. Talked to Bri.

The physical weakness is secondary to the depression itself -- apparently my metabolism drops into the toilet -- so I'm okay to push myself physically, some, as long as I don't overdo it. This is useful information, because I really had lost faith in my ability to judge my own limits.

Emotionally, she says that as long as I'm not withdrawing entirely, or spending the whole day in bed repeatedly, I should stay in my comfort zone, and not try to push myself there. I'm okay with this. I'm having a hard enough time getting through without pushing myself to try to deal with things I'm not ready for yet.

I should do a bit of exercise as soon as I get up -- leg lifts is what she suggested and what I did -- to try to bump up my metabolism. And eat as soon as I can after getting up, and not simple-carb-processed-sugar crap like I have been. I find logic in this; fortunately I have some good cereal around, for as long as it lasts.

I don't know if this is taking effect already, or if I was just due for a better day than yesterday. I'll take it though.

Very concerned about where I'm going to live after my initial grace period at Bri and Rich's is up. I'm not sure why -- I have a couple of offers -- but there it is. I suspect part of it, after last week, is the worry that once again someone will change their mind at the last minute and I'll be screwed. I'm going to be working through that one for a while.

I was hoping to go to fighter practice tonight -- seeing people would be good -- but the weather is craptastic so once again I'm heading over to Rich & Bri's for the evening. Might stay over there. Might not. One step at a time.

I did dishes today. Made a quesadilla _and_ ate it. Got an order ready to ship out. Did some job-related online stuff -- posted in my shop blog, commented in a few places, stuff I usually do daily but haven't had the energy or focus to do for weeks. Not calling this a turnaround but it's certainly a step.

Going to put some things in the car and then head out. Overall a pretty fruitful day. May tomorrow hold together as well -- we'll see.

2010-05-10T23:43:00.000-06:00

2010-05-10T12:20:00.003-06:00

It's almost a week later, and sometimes I hurt so bad I can't see straight.

I'm going to be moving in with some friends for a while -- I can't afford to live on my own any more, and it's going to be a while before I have the energy for more than bare-bones day-to-day running of the business. I have an order I should have shipped out last Thursday sitting on my desk still, because I haven't been capable of driving the half-mile to the post office to ship it (fortunately the customer is patient).

I packed a box today. It took about an hour of 'pack for a minute, sit down for ten'. I can barely walk at times. I shake near constantly.

I can't get into the mental health center until the 20th. I need to hang on until then.

I never imagined there could be this much pain in the world.

It's only partly the fact that in the end he chose Ray. That hurts -- I thought I meant more to him than that -- but what really hurts, what really tells me I can't trust him, is that he changed his mind.

I was worried, after his first choice. He felt distant, odd, and I worried that he'd change his mind. But I told myself, no, he's a man of his word; he wouldn't _do_ that to me.

And then he did.

How can there be this much pain?

--

I need to move by the end of the month. In fact, I need to be moved before then -- the last weekend of the month is a big SCA event that I need to sell at, so I have money to pay my bills, to pay the (thankfully small) rent at the place I'll be moving to. So the big moving day will be the 23rd, and I need to be packed by then.

Today, I've packed one box. This isn't a packing rate that's going to get me done by then.

But I can't move. I can barely walk today. I made it out to the car and back once, and I'm not sure I'll be able to do it again.

I have been smashed down to absolutely nothing and I don't know how to rebuild -- I'm not sure there's enough of me left to rebuild _with_. Pushing myself in the slightest leads to near-collapse. Trying to rest leads to thinking...and right now thinking hurts too bad.

I'm grateful for my friends -- my true friends. I'm finding out who they are, and there are a lot of them who are doing a lot to help take care of me.

I'm grateful for my cats. I don't know if I'd've lasted this long without them. Loiosh has clung even closer to me than usual, and so has Chocolate, when I'm home. I try not to think where I'd be without them.

--

Andro took me out for a while yesterday -- to the garden center, then to his place to work on his garden a little and watch a movie, then out for sushi. There were a few times I almost felt happy, and I'm trying to cling to that memory now. It's very hard, though; today is the sort of day where I don't see the possibility of ever being happy again.

I know, rationally, that it'll get better. I'm not giving up. But right now it's so hard...so hard.

2010-05-06T11:39:00.001-06:00

Pray for me...

I'm barely hanging on.

Only not.

2010-05-05T14:31:00.002-06:00

This will be brief and disjointed. I am broken. Devastated.

I realized that I could not be happy with sharing Tim...that I needed to be with him, or over him. That, as I told him, he had to choose.

Deep in the depths of despair, asking God to let him avoid this cup, he chose me...and then, three days later, rescinded his choice.

Now all three of us are hurt -- Ray isn't sure he wants Tim back, Tim know he's hurt both of us, and I am...broken, devastated.

How can this be okay? How can the three of us, trying to do the best we could, have hurt each other and ourselves so very much?

Settling Down part II: Or, A Resolution of Sorts

2010-04-14T14:12:00.001-06:00

I haven't been posting a lot, and for that I apologize. My brain, as I said yesterday, has been kinda full; and I've had issues sitting at the forefront of my mind that I couldn't talk about, but were big enough that nothing else could wiggle out past them.

Over the long, cold winter I realized that I simply cannot afford to live by myself. The business is growing, but not fast enough, and I need to share expenses somewhere.

I didn't have a whole lot of options, either. I couldn't move in with Tim -- Ray was adamant that he didn't want me living with them (and to be honest I wasn't thrilled with the idea either), and since Ray can't live on his own, that meant that he couldn't move out for me to move in unless he went back to Kentucky to live with his parents.

I didn't want to find a roommate -- I'm rather picky about who I share space with, and I was extremely doubtful that I could find someone who wouldn't immediately drive me nuts. I do have some friends in Tennessee who I could probably live with for a while -- really awesome folks, too -- but it's not a part of the world I'd want to live in, and I don't know the local SCA folks who are a large part of my income, and it's humid

Or, I could move back in with my mom. Positives: Familiar part of the world, and I have a lot of customers and potential customers there. Negatives: The East Coast. Humidity. My mom. I love her lots and lots, but she doesn't understand why I don't take the easy way out and just be like her and my sister. (I think it doesn't occur to either of them that I'm just like my dad -- he was a guy, after all, and I'm a girl so I have to be different, and I should probably stop that rant right there before I get annoying.)

...so yeah. I gently explained to Tim what was going on, thus basically putting him into a position where he was gonna hafta pick between me and Ray. Which I hated, but what was I gonna do?

He didn't want to. Well, who would? I don't understand his attraction to Ray but it's definitely there. And so far as either one of us could see, he was going to lose one of us.

And I waited on tenterhooks for someone else to make a decision that would affect the entire course of the rest of my life Can I tell you how much I hated that?

...yeah.

As it turns out, Tim has talked to Ray, Ray has talked to me, and we're all moving in together. Probably even buying a place. It means I get more time with Tim, and it means that money isn't near the worry that it's been, and it means that I don't have to move back in with my Mom.

It also means that Tim's decision is still down the road somewhere. And that I have to live with Ray, and his not cleaning, and his emo days, and his not doing anything most of the time.

I've told Tim that I will not help him carry Ray. I've also told him that he should stop carrying Ray, that Ray will never grow up unless he's given reason to, and who would grow up if everything they need and want is simply provided them without effort? But there's nothing I can do there other than advise.

But I'm not doing his laundry or cleaning up his messes.

...I'm trying to look on this positively. Ray has improved somewhat. He's had some realizations that he really does have to take some responsibility for his life. He's started taking art and sculpture classes and found his passion -- and is slowly realizing that he doesn't suck at it. (By which I mean anyone else, even 'I'm no monkey but I know what I like' me, can see that he has amazing potential.) He is, in other words, finally using his talent, not just burying it in a field somewhere.

...we shall see. We're negotiating ways where I will not have to deal with Ray's messes. If his room and his workroom are a pit, I don't care, as long as they're not so bad that something might fall on the cats. I just want to live somewhere reasonably tidy, and not because I'm doing all the cleaning.

We've already worked out how to keep him from eating his way through all of my little treats and lunches and leftovers. We've decided that everyone will be responsible for their own laundry, so that I don't have to wash his underwear just to get a clean bra or two. We're working on ways for him to carry his own weight, which I, frankly, think will be about the best thing in the world for him -- along with the sculpture.

And I think in the end it'll turn out okay. I'm not sure how it'll turn out -- Ray might drift off elsewhere, leaving me happily with Tim; I might get tired of waiting, or the wanderlust might set in, and I might sell them my part of the house and set off in an old school bus or converted horse trailer or the like. Tim might actually choose one of us. Heck, we might all live happily ever after together -- who knows?

A house, a home; settling down.

2010-04-14T13:10:00.006-06:00

This post does a good job of expressing something I've been thinking about for a while now.

Two thoughts collide and conflict in my mind. One is that I love travelling -- I love putting Loiosh's harness on, packing the last few things into the car, and going. The wind in my hair, singing along to the radio, waving for truck drivers to blow their big airhorns -- driving through Winslow, Albuquerque, Cheyenne, Nashville. New lands, new people, a new world to wake up to every morning.

The other is that I'm almost the hell forty, and it's time to settle down. Time to stop moving from one apartment to another, never quite unpacking, never quite sure what's going on next. Time for a house, a garden, a home, somewhere that's mine. Time to put down roots.

Collide and conflict they do, these thoughts, don't they? Unless. Unless.

Unless I work up the nerve, the courage, and (let's face it) the money to go on the road. To boondock, become a gypsy. To carry my home with me, like a snail with its shell.

(I'm all with the cliches today, aren't I? Well...and with reason. Everything I'm talking about reaches way down into the archetypes we all carry within us, that define us. Who hasn't, at least once in their childhood, wanted to run away to join the circus?)

Indeed, at times I've felt that this might be a part of my calling from God. I can see myself a priest -- but I can't see myself going to the same building every Sunday morning, greeting the same congregation, going through the same routine. For the folks who need that, it's available, but for those who need something else...not so much.

Call me the Epistle to the Weird. I see myself doing Mass in city parks, at rest stops, at craft shows before the masses show up. In RV parks and national parks, faire parking lots and SCA events. For the people who won't go into a church, the ones who are convinced they won't be welcome (and who are all too often right), and the ones who hadn't ever considered the idea.

I see being able to visit my mom more than once every couple of years -- in fact, being able to visit most of the people I know far more often than I do now. Being able to have my Chocolate-kitty with me all the time, not just when I'm home. Not having to shut down the online shop when I'm on the road, or ask people to keep an eye on it for me -- because I'll always be able to create new products, to pack and ship them from wherever I am. To be able to do shows all across the country.

At the same time...

I see that garden. I see a house in an old, well-established neighborhood where I can get to know the neighbors and live there for the rest of my life. I see birdhouses and trellises and maybe a couple of chickens. Hanging plants in the windows, a small craft room with a sewing machine and a stack of fabric bins, a well-stocked library.

A place where I can spend the rest of my life with Tim.

...and I just don't know.

More tomorrow, along with a resolution (of sorts) that I know Mother Laura at least has been waiting to hear about for like two weeks. Sorry! Brain's been kinda full.

Episcopal Priest Barbie

2010-04-12T12:02:00.003-06:00

...I am NOT kidding.

The Rev. Barbie was created by the Rev. Julie Blake Fisher for a friend, the Rev. Dena Cleaver-Bartholomew, as a gift to celebrate Rev. Dena being called to her first parish.

I'm torn between OMG AWESOME and being a little grumpy about the unrealistic expectations Barbie always brings with her. I mean, not even priests usually manage to look like that, and they're quite as vulnerable to society's views on beauty as the rest of us.

But...minor quibble, cos I think in this case the Rev. Barbie (of St. Barbara’s-by-the-Sea in Malibu) is far more likely to inspire women to investigate a call to the priesthood than make us angst about our appearance. And anyway, she's right with me from a liturgical and ritual standpoint -- she even comes with a miniature thurible!

So I'm gonna come down on the side of Rev. Barbie being SERIOUSLY AWESOME, and now I kinda want one to play with too.

Another one...

2010-04-01T12:10:00.002-06:00

The blog of a sister parish to the ECC church I go to. Specifically, in this case, allow me to link you to this lovely poem by Fr. David Kenney of the Church of St. Augustine. Allow me to excerpt...

While I plotted my revenge on
the latest offenders,
who had jolted me
or jilted me
or joked about me
or jammed me up
something terrible,
and while I devoted hours
of consciousness to
ruminating about
their ruin,
God noticed that my
conscience was tweaked,
and my heart was not
entirely
given over to this resentment,

and God smiled.

...I'm terribly fond of this guy already.

Pointing out...

2010-03-31T15:44:00.002-06:00

...that Tim now has a blog:

Following the Voice Within

...and, in his inimitable manner, has started posting stuff worth reading.

Y'all have a look.

2010-01-31T12:43:00.001-07:00

I am so tired of being alone.

Gnk.

2009-12-03T10:58:00.002-07:00

Somehow I haven't posted since September.

I still have a place to live, by the grace of God (and Tim, to whom I now owe a largish sum of money). Sales are growing and I can see that someday I'll be making more than I spend every month -- and that that's not going to happen for probably six months yet, not on a regular basis.

I'm still poking at the discernment process. Sometimes, I'll admit, with a stick. So's Tim. In interesting ways.

I still have Loiosh the Wonder Cat. Or he has me. Not sure which some days (other days, I admit who runs the place, and it ain't me).

Somehow it's pretty easy to admit that God's in charge of everything when I've already admitted that the cat runs the house. I figure God at least has thumbs. Or divine equivalent.

Tired. Punchy. Occasionally crying for no apparent reason, frequently when I walk into church. The congregation's getting a little worried about me. Want to know what they can do, and it doesn't seem an appropriate time to say 'please buy my stuff' even though about half of what I need to be okay is enough money to live on.

I don't _want_ to be rich. Just a little less poor. (Okay, enough whining.)

It's been insanely cold but I'm keeping the bedroom window cracked (my apartment has ridiculously good insulation so even with that the heat is only occasionally on). Between that and the mullein tincture I take once a week or so I almost never have to use my inhaler any more. Which is good, cos the thing costs about $175 for what they laughingly call a month's worth, and yeah, I can pay that HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Have I mentioned I've been watching the health care debate closely? Doesn't look like it's gonna help me any though.

Still thinking about moving to Canada, where even people who aren't rich can go to the doctor. Oh, but I said enough whining...

Been off of my antidepressants for two weeks now. Yeah, I can tell, but no, I'm not in a slough of despond. I think I'm gonna make it without them this time. I _know_ the depression is situational, not chemical, so I _know_ it can be done, it's just a matter of getting the situation (and my coping mechanisms) set up right.

I don't _like_ having to take medication. I do it anyway, when the alternatives are far worse, but I don't _like_ it.

Decided I'm sick of The Belly and none of my clothes fitting. I can buy new clothes -- which cost money -- or I can lose weight, which is free (and, in fact, requires less money spent on food). I'm going this by cutting my overall food intake some, cutting back my snacking a bunch, walking to the post office when it's above 20F or so, and occasionally skipping meals. The last part isn't deliberate but I get a little busy with work some days. So far, about a pound a week for the last couple weeks, which is exactly where I want to be. Feeling a little better already and the exercise helps my mood a _lot_, but as cold as it's looking to be I won't be walking much for a while (seriously, a high of 21F today).

Yeah, I _could_ walk to the post office, but jeez-o-PETE and also no. Once I have a little money I might join the local rec center, which I think isn't too insanely expensive, and also they have an AWESOME pool. And a climbing wall. And a steam room and a sauna. And all the usual amenities too.

Ahh, well. Someday. In the meantime, I shall do what I can. And really, with all the hauling of heavy crap I do for craft shows, why am I not already buff?

Anyway, not dead, surviving, all will be well.

This one I like...

2009-09-22T14:45:00.001-06:00

10 ways to enjoy doing nothing

We could all use a little of that. Except maybe the bit with the ukulele.

Insurance Jive

2009-08-19T12:49:00.002-06:00

Watch this:

Then go here and do something about it.

A little reality...

2009-07-23T11:05:00.002-06:00

...with your mythologizing.

Myth: Canada's government decides who gets health care and when they get it. While HMOs and other private medical insurers in the U.S. do indeed make such decisions, the only people in Canada to do so are physicians. In Canada, the government has absolutely no say in who gets care or how they get it. Medical decisions are left entirely up to doctors, as they should be.

There are no requirements for pre-authorization whatsoever. If your family doctor says you need an MRI, you get one. In the U.S., if an insurance administrator says you are not getting an MRI, you don't get one no matter what your doctor thinks — unless, of course, you have the money to cover the cost.

This and seven other myths about the Canadian health care system debunked at the Denver Post. Go ye forth and read. And tell me again why the American health system is so great?

Fascinating...

2009-07-13T10:52:00.003-06:00

...and infuriating.

An interview with Wendell Potter, formerly a high-level PR guy with Cigna. Among other things he discusses the company's plans to discredit and defuse both Michael Moore's 'Sicko' and the controversy over Nataline Sarkisyan's liver transplant -- which didn't happen, because even though the doctors said she needed one, Cigna said she didn't.

What really got me is the number of politicians parroting the industry's words. They'll say things like 'The government will be standing between you and your doctor', when right now, it's for-profit insurance companies standing between you and your doctor. I ain't a huge fan of the government's efficiency and compassion but they've got to do a better job than some bureaucrat whose job is to make his investors more money.

Go, and see what the enemy is saying. Go, and read what we're standing against. And go, and read the story of a man who realized what he was doing was wrong, and what he's doing about it.

This is...

2009-07-11T18:08:00.003-06:00

I am sad.

Disgusted.

Scared, for myself and for everyone else in the US who doesn't have health insurance.

I've been following my friend Branwen's fight with cancer -- much expanded, now, with the discovery of both endometrial and ovarian cancers -- and mixed in with my pride in her strength and my concern for her well-being and considering shaving my head in solidarity (which I'm probably gonna wuss out on, but I'm still trying to talk myself into it) is this occasional, quiet, totally selfish thought:

If this happened to me, I would die.

Not because of any great difference in outlook, or strength, or my body versus hers, or anything like that.

Simply because I cannot afford health insurance.

And then today I was catching up on my blogs, and I saw this post by Wormwood's Doxy in which she tells the tale of a friend of hers, who got cancer, and died, because she didn't have health insurance.

Between the two, I have gone from being angry and frustrated at the United States' health system (but only when I'm reminded of it), to FURIOUS.

HOW can anyone consider this right?

I can only hope that the vast majority of people who support the current system are doing so simply because they haven't thought it through.

I'd rail further, but Doxy (as she so often does) did an awesome job of ranting for me, and there's really not a lot I can add.

Yeah, I needed this...

2009-07-11T14:43:00.001-06:00

A wonderful post by Rev. Dr. Kate:

You can't save all the starfish...can you?

In the You Could Have It Worse department...

2009-05-22T15:10:00.002-06:00

My dear friend Branwen has been dealing with health issues for a while, and on top of everything _else_ has just found out she has cervical cancer.

So to heck with me. Send your prayers her way; she needs em bad. Mother Laura, if I could request a mass?

Thanks.

Time. Brains.

2009-05-21T23:09:00.002-06:00

Been a lot going on, most of which I haven't been talking about.

Been going to church again. This is a goodness. I've needed it.

On the other hand, it's shown me how little spirituality I manage to weave into the rest of my life. I look at those of you who even attempt daily prayer with envy. I get good intentions every once in a while, and they usually don't last the day. I _really_ need community of one sort or another to have a proper spiritual life, it seems.

Which is why it is _so_ very silly of me to fail to read my Godbloggers for a month straight, for which I must apologize. I've fallen off the face of the earth and it's not a good thing. :/

I'm not sure where Tim and I am, mostly because, I think, Tim and Ray aren't sure where they are, and are spending a lot of time working it out. I've been giving them space -- which is hard sometimes, and easier at others. I'm enjoying all the alone-time but it leaves me very uncertain of my relationships with them.

Money still isn't great, though it's not as bad as it was. I just keep breathing and keep making soap.

Just feeling...unsettled. Up in the air. Not sure where I'm going. Feeling a call to some sort of ministry -- and definitely to those who aren't welcome elsewhere -- but still not sure what form that'd take, though I do have the image of offering Sunday morning mass at SCA camping events, which is amusing if nothing else. I wonder if I'd get any takers?

Hm...camper. Cat. Travelling the country selling soap and offering mass at campgrounds and parks all over.

Must contemplate.

In the meantime, I have been neglecting y'all, and if any of you are still reading, I apologize. (Okay, I apologize anyway.) I intend to try to get more involved again -- y'all have helped me through a lot of journeying, and it'd be foolish to lose you now!

My friends, they rock.

2009-04-28T20:53:00.004-06:00

I have the awesomest friends on the planet.

After some discussion, Mer made me a musical composition. She's not sure it counts as a prayer, but I'm convinced.

Many of my friends have bought things, told their friends to buy things, or both. I ain't rolling in money but I made the rent and I'm surviving.

Another friend helped me sign up to sell Worm Factories, which are composters that don't smell and that will happily replace your shredder in addition to turning your veggie scraps into nummy nummy compost. About which more later, cos it's vaguely possible someone here might buy one (I will be, once I have moneys).

And a whole bunch of my friends -- and you know who you are -- have kindly come up with about 345,5368,34576,23 ideas for new soaps. Because apparently I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH DIFFERENT SOAPS ALREADY.

So in a while there'll be a lot of new soaps.

And lastly, Dani sent me a picture of her cat Boo with a muppet on her head.

I have awesome friends. :)

The week

2009-04-25T13:27:00.002-06:00

Monday,as you may recall, I had a good solid freakout about money.
Tuesday, I found someone randomly badmouthing my soaps on a friend's journal. Note that this is someone who's never even _seen_ one of my soaps.
Wednesday I found out that said badmouther also makes soap herself. Hello, badmouthing the competition!
Thursday I got an IM from a friend who wanted help catching her dog. Turns out she's moved to El Paso with no warning, the dog got out while she was packing, and she LEFT ANYWAY.
Friday I rescued said dog from the pound. Did I mention she's ten months old, _not_ fixed, _no_ shots, very little training, and spent most of her time alone in the back yard? And while I like dogs, it's been a long week.
This morning I woke up to find my LICENSE PLATES HAD BEEN STOLEN.

I've brought in a bunch of money and some new customers. I have politely replied to said random badmouther and discredited her. I have taken the dog to the home of a friend who does a lot of fostering, and I have an idea of someone who might adopt her -- because she is NOT going back to the woman who 'owned' her before. And I have called the police about the license plates.

And now, I am taking the rest of the day off. For it is Loiosh's first birthday, and I want to spend the day with my kitten.

Help

2009-04-20T17:54:00.002-06:00

...I'm still bad at asking for it.

I am about the hell out of money. I'm working my butt off, and I'm just not selling enough of my things to make it.

I...I have hesitated to ask for help, whether prayers or 'buy my stuff' because I greatly fear that people will advise me that starting my own business is foolishness, that I need to give up and look for a job.

This is what I'm supposed to be doing. I can feel it. I love it. I work my butt off, I don't get enough sleep, I have no money and my back hurts, but I love it. I couldn't bear to leave it.

And...the last time I went looking for a job, the best thing -- the _only_ thing -- I could find was working at Walmart. Which was unmitigated horrible, and was killing me. More literally than one might think.

In this job market, why should I hope to find anything better?

And...I don't want a job. I don't want to work for anyone else, ever again. The mere thought makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't know if I could

At least now I know it's not because I'm afraid of work, or don't want to. Manifestly I can work. Manifestly I want to.

Just doing my thing.

Am I spoiled, to want to do that? Am I asking too much?

I don't know.

Pray for me, please.

Easter!

2009-04-12T14:51:00.001-06:00

Christ is risen! Alleluia!

Monday

2009-04-06T22:05:00.003-06:00

Got my old radio/CD player fixed, a task which has been quietly weighing on me for over a year. Yes, there's still a guy in town who does this. And it cost me less than the radio did originally, thank you.
Have been slowly taking more things to thrift stores, resulting in a general reduction of Crap.
Have still not found a taker for the futon. Tim might want it; if not, it goes to the local furniture consignment place, and at least it's out of my way.
Was totally spoiled by having Tim all to myself for two weeks. Am whiny now. Want my Tim. Yeah, I still have him, but I have to share him again and I'm greedy.
Palm Sunday service was...wow. Light of Christ (my teeny ECC community) combined with Bethlehem Lutheran (whose building we share) for a really wonderful combined thing. I'd never seen anything like an actual Passion Play at all. I guess the church I grew up in was too staid for them? It really gripped me.
Still have the palm frond. Though it's in Tim's car, as otherwise Loiosh will eat it.
Mood plummeted shortly after Church Sunday and has been iffy since. Most of today was good, with abrupt plunge round about 4:30.
Took all the Mardi Gras masks off my wall. Mardi Gras is over! No, really, I liked them for a while, but they got to just looking cluttered. Packed them neatly in a box, am contemplating keeping or finding homes.
Did find new home for some of my jewelry -- a teeny-but-awesome local restaurant has given me a shelf's worth of space. They don't even take any of what I make off of any jewelry sold -- so if anything does sell I'll be making them a few pressies.
Mice still adorable.
Loiosh still insane.
Kate still crabby. :P

Lent could end soon.

Fortunately, it will.

...yeah, it's Lent.

2009-04-06T18:59:00.002-06:00

*curls up in a little ball and cries and cries*

Lent can end any time now. You hear me?

:P

2009-04-05T15:28:00.001-06:00

...yeah, I see how it goes.

Lenten meditations and excitement? Nuthin.

Boobs? I get COMMENTS.

Well, it'll be BOOBS from now on!

(Love y'all!)

Apropos of nothing...

2009-04-01T15:32:00.005-06:00

Mice in my bra.

Why are there mice in my bra? Because after the last incident, I felt that my bra was safer than a box while I was cleaning their cage.

Why am I posting about mice in my bra? Because there's been too much doom and gloom lately.

Also, Andrea asked.

Remember this: Mice in your bra? Tickle. A lot.

Lent. mutter grumble

2009-03-29T16:24:00.001-06:00

Ok, so, remember this?

It's happening again.

Pls to stop, kthxbai!

Abundance

2009-03-25T12:01:00.002-06:00

Abundance can be many things.

Last night, abundance was an all-you-can-eat sushi night.

I ate 456,8567689,35465,2345 pieces of sushi, and then spent the rest of the evening curled up into a little ball around my stomach.

It was AWESOME.

yawn

2009-03-23T14:38:00.002-06:00

Ray being away for a couple weeks, I got to spend the ENTIRE WEEKEND with my Tim. Decadence and bliss!
His place is cleaner than it's been in a while.
Mine, however? Not so much.
But I spent a couple hours helping him sort through clothing, thence to get rid of a lot of it. Yay simplifying!
Also, went wandering around Nederland, home of Frozen Dead Guy Day. I am not making this up.

So I'd decided on Prudence and Felicity, but still wasn't sure which was going to be which.

Okay, it's my own fault. I was cleaning their cage so had put them back into the little cardboard box they came home from the pet store in. I was mostly good and kept it next to me, only I was bad and left it in the kitchen for three seconds.

And came back in to Little Silver One huddled in the box, which was now open on the counter, and Loiosh chasing Little Black One around under the counter. During the interminable time it took for me to dive to the floor, he caught
her and I had to pry his mouth the hell open.

She's fine. Kinda startled, but fine.

*whew*

I think they've made their naming preferences clear. Also, next time their cage is getting cleaned they're spending the drying time in my BRA.

Next up, more simplifying. As soon as I get someone to haul off this %^#$(%*^ futon couch already.

Ngk.

2009-03-11T12:16:00.002-06:00

Three out of three people have bailed on buying my futon couch so far. One was actually polite enough to call and let me know.
Having fun sewing clothing that isn't SCA garb. I'll post pictures when it's done.
Got a little unexpected money, enough to cover the 'net access bill. Yay!
Still have to cover credit cards and rent. Yay. :P
On the up side, my kitten loves his Momma.
Inexplicable $600 was indeed a mistake. Damn.
Have two shows coming up this month. Should help some.
Trying to keep spirits up. Not doing so well. Keeping on trying anyways.
Cos what the heck else am I gonna do?

Monday Lenten Blargh.

2009-03-09T15:48:00.002-06:00

Yeah, so, my snit? I'm over it. Mostly, anyway.
I went to church yesterday. Tim's fault. It was AWESOME.
Body still full of hating. Contemplating taking my sinuses out with a spoon.
Futon couch should be going away today.
However, I've been mostly FAIL at simplifying these last couple days. Trying to get back on track.
While feeling physically and emotionally crappy. Old toxins coming out? Probably, which is good, but process=suck.
New mice make Loiosh happy. And the other cats. This pleases me.
Perpetua and Felicity it is. Now to decide which is which. And if it really matters to them.
Ray came along to church. Surprised. Pleased. Not sure it _did_ anything for him, but I'll take it.
That aside? Really no difference. Did I hope for any in just a couple days? Well, no. :/
Playing too much Breakout. Can't convince myself not to.
Broke. SRSLY. As in, tapping the dwindling reserves won't be enough this month unless I make more sales. This is disheartening and depressing, which makes it harder to work to get, y'know, more sales.
Hoping the completely inexplicable $600 that showed up in my savings account, of all things, stays there. Not counting on it. If one of y'all cracked my account to put it there, thanks, but, er. Huh?
CD rates currently lower than savings account rates. Huh?
Mr. President, I could sure heck use a bailout.

*wanders off, grumbling vaguely*

2009-03-07T14:08:00.001-07:00

I've been fighting depression for a long time. I've been there. I've done that.

So when someone who ISN'T EVEN TRYING tells me I can't POSSIBLY IMAGINE what he's going through, and then LIES TO ME?

I get pretty damned upset.

Cos I know...

2009-03-04T21:41:00.002-07:00

...I'll get grumbled at if I don't.

They don't have names yet, so y'all hop to!

Lenten Catchup

2009-03-04T13:55:00.002-07:00

Over the last few days I've:

Found homes for my portable DVD player, spare futon, and TV, with appropriate returns of small moneys.
Used some of said money to purchase a piece of furniture as part of the living room redo.
Used other of said money to purchase a couple of mice. Alas, Algernon made the Long Trip while I was away; and while I was not heartbroken (sad, yes, but we hadn't bonded very much) Loiosh was devastated. He kept going over to the empty cage and crying, and when I took the cage apart to clean it, nosed through all the pieces looking for his mouse. So...yah.
Took a crapton of the stuff I'd already sorted out to the Salvation Army -- in one trip in the car, yes, but it produced a chance to spend time with Tim. He'd been wanting to go, see, but kept putting it off because Ray wasn't ever in the mood, so I stuffed him in the car and off we went.
Posted Yet More Stuff to Craigslist.

I also...

Took Sunday completely off from simplifying to go hiking, thence to have dinner with Tim and a dear friend of ours. Ray didn't want to go, again, and I'm getting concerned about him...
Closed a whole bunch of tabs in my Firefox browser, thus reducing the number of Things I was dealing with there.
Went through a number of directories of old old files, and deleted a lot and reorganized the rest.
Spent more time trying to teach the kitten Lay Down.
Took a bunch of time off for feeling crappy.

Spending time with Tim (and, on Sunday, with Andro) was a goodness. He's putting together a new Serenity game, and we've been talking about that a lot; plus it's always good to get out into the outside and walk some.

I'm concerned about Ray, though. He...well...every time something changes (beginning of a new semester, visiting his parents, starting counselling again) he perks up for a couple weeks, but then he's right back down. Nothing seems to stick. Tim and I had high hopes for yoga this semester, and for a couple weeks...but then, nothin'. I really, really don't know how to help him help himself, and nothing seems to make a long-term difference.

Tim, on the other hand, is taking this Lent as an opportunity to do a lot of thinking. He's not having _fun_ with it, I'll assure you, but I think it's good for him. And he's expressed an interest in going to church with me, which will have the added side-benefit of getting _my_ butt back to church, too.

...I kinda wonder how Ray's going to feel about that. :/

Lent, Day 2

2009-02-27T11:32:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I:

Took a pile of books to mail away (on my bike!)
Sold my coffee table, which...
...made enough space in my living room to rearrange it in a way that makes me happy.
Cooked up a whole lot of spaghetti sauce, and froze most of it.
Taught the kitten to 'sit' on command. Well, request. He _is_ a cat.

I also made two decisions -- both will wind up taking more of my _time_, but I feel that they'll simplify things nonetheless, and they're both things that are important to me.

If I can accomplish X on my bike, I'm going to. Since there's now a thrift store within easy riding distance, this means I'll be taking all of that thrift store stuff over in five or six trips on the bike instead of one in the car -- more time, yes, but less pollution in the air, less wear on my car, less money for gas; and more exersice for me, more interacting with the world instead of just driving through it, more time to just _be_. The downside to this is that Loiosh can't (currently) come along with me, but I have some theories about that.
I'm cutting (even more) processed food out of my life. Yes, this will mean more cooking; but it will also mean less money spent on processed food, less crap going into my body; and more intentional cooking _and_ eating, more healthy food around the house (since I always cook in ginormous batches), more time spent with friends (as I'm more likely to invite people over when I'm cooking -- see those ginormous batches).

In addition I've discovered one of those things that are important to me, that all the extraneous stuff in my life was covering up -- training Loiosh. In five sessions, totally maybe a half-hour, I've taught him to sit. Yes, a cat. To sit.

And he's come up to me repeatedly while I'm at the computer, and won't leave me alone until I do another training session. Yeah, he's in it for the treats and no mistake, but I think he also enjoys the attention, the learning, the praise. He's a smart cat and I suspect that he gets bored sometimes -- in fact I'm sure of it, the way he hollers at the front door.

This gives him something to learn, to think about, to do; and it gets him lots of lovins and praise. He's my good baby, after all, and he does love his momma. And I love him! And I love working with him, teaching him things.

I'll freely admit there's at least a bit of 'You taught your _cat_ to do what!?' in there, too, but I don't see anything wrong with that. ;)

Lent, Day 1

2009-02-26T13:28:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I:

Culled enough clothing out of my closet that I could fit the shelves of clothing in there as well, making a lot more space in my bedroom. Those clothes will go to a local thrift store.
Packed a foot-high stack of books to be shipped off for cash.
Sold my laptop backpack, unused for years.
Added three bags of 'stuff' to the bags of clothing going to a thrift store, thus emptying a shelf in my office.
Moved six or seven books from my shelves to the pile of books to be sold.

That's the physical stuff. On the 'making time' level I:

Decided to stop playing Facebook games -- I'll use it to communicate, but using actual words, not sending karma or the like. (Nothing against the concept -- but I found it was eating time I could use elsewhere).
Reduced the number of blogs I read, both here and on LJ.
Deleted a bunch of games from my computer.
Signed off of a couple of mailing lists.
Took the rats to the Humane Society.

That last was a hard decision, and has been a long time coming. Too long, for them -- I simply wasn't giving them the time, attention, space they needed, no matter how often I promised myself (and them) that I would. Their cage was too small, not cleaned often enough; they didn't get enough time out, and certainly not enough time with me. And I felt bad about that, and it weighted on me.

They're getting lots of attention there, now, and I know they have a nice big cage to run around in. They'll find homes, or not -- if they spend the rest of their lives there, they'll be much happier than they were here. I know how well they treat animals at the local place.

I've lightened my load a lot, and I plan to lighten it a lot more -- I've got another 39 days to do it in, after all. Once I'm done the physical, there'll be a lot of emotional stuff to clear out, too. It'll be interesting, and probably painful, and I'm looking forward to it.

Lent

2009-02-25T19:46:00.002-07:00

After a lot of waffling, I've decided this Lent, I'm simplifying.

I started before realizing it was the right thing to continue -- I packed up probably half of my clothing to go to the Salvation Army, and enough other stuff that the trunk of the car is full. I've been selling things on Craigslist. And I've decided I'm going to keep at it.

Not just physical stuff (though that'll be a lot of it). I want to pare things away in the rest of my life, too -- emotional, spiritual, things that take up time as well as space -- because that will, I hope, leave me with enough space left, and little enough to fill it, that I'll be able to set about figuring what's really important to me. Figuring who _I_ am again, because I've been kinda too busy to remember.

And, with luck and effort, leaving space in my life for God, cos I've kinda been failing at that part, a lot.

It's a good thing He doesn't give up on us easy.

So tell me...

2009-02-20T10:32:00.002-07:00

Why is it bad to be a Mama's Boy but just fine to be a Daddy's Girl?

Wednesday Cat Update: Happiest Kitty Ever

2009-01-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

He got his protective wrapping removed today, and boy is he happy. He's pretty much wandering around the house, tail up and ears forward, purring his fuzzy brains out. Interspersed with desperate washings of his now-exposed toes.

More here -- complete with pictures!

...I had a little rant.

2009-01-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

It was be long. There was be shouting, profanity, and possibly blasphemy. You have been warned.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-14T15:18:00.001-07:00

Loiosh, Tuesday

2009-01-13T10:49:00.001-07:00

He goes in for surgery early this afternoon. I dropped him off this morning -- the first time I've ever seen him nervous in the car. Feeding off of his Momma, I'm guessing.

He will likely be getting five pins, three of which will come out in six weeks or so. I'll have to keep him at least somewhat confined for those six weeks. I have some ideas for how to arrange this.

I'm nervous. It's not a terribly difficult surgery, and the surgeon has plenty of experience (from both sides -- he's had both knees replaced) but anesthesia always makes me nervous. I can't wait to hear that he's okay.

He comes home tomorrow. This will be the second night we've spent apart. That's been one of the hardest things about this -- we've spent so much time together, we're so close. I'll be visiting him once he's out, if they'll let me.

I'm going to keep busy today. Just easier that way I think. And, well, there's a lot to get done.

I present you with another video:

And I will let y'all know when I hear anything.

Excitement No Endy. Can Stop Now.

2009-01-11T14:24:00.003-07:00

Because no brain:

Short short version: Loiosh with broken leg. Surgery Tuesday to pin bones back together. Home on cage rest, being very good kitten except when he gets bored and tries to run around. Leg apparently not bothering him much as long as he doesn't put any weight on it. Horrible child.

More at the shop blog.

No brain.

Unnecessary Excitement!

2008-12-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

Proving he's okay...

...but it was kinda exciting.

Long story short, Horrible Child had an adventure. Rest of the tale here.

An open letter to his Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI

2008-12-27T14:38:00.001-07:00

Not by me -- this was written by my beloved Tim. He's asked that I ask my priestly and otherwise religiously-oriented peeps to have a look at it (that'd be all y'all, one way or t'other) and comment...but I figured posting it two days before Christmas would get me a solid not-much. So have a link...

An open letter to his Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI

Pls to comment there, unless you can't, in which case feel free to comment here.

Twelve Pictures of Christmas Meme...

2008-12-16T00:37:00.002-07:00

I challenge y'all! Well, whoever wants. Here's a sampling:

Eight kitty toeses

Find the rest here!

COLD

2008-12-15T00:27:00.001-07:00

COLD COLD COLD OMG COLD

COLD

*goes to bed*

More kitten haiku!

2008-12-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

Looks like this is going to be a regular thing...especially given the haiku I received in response to the last post.

Read more kitten haiku here!

Linky...

2008-12-10T22:20:00.000-07:00

A truly unique Eucharist. I love this tale.

Hopi Prophecy

2008-12-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Schwinked from a friend of mine.

“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living? What are you doing?
What are your relationships? Are you in right relation?
Where is your water? Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of
the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.
See who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all, ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a
halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”

–The Elders, Oraibi, Arizona Hopi Nation

That? That wants some thinkin'.

Kitten Haiku!

2008-12-04T18:10:00.001-07:00

Kitten haiku, this way!

Gnrr

2008-11-28T18:17:00.003-07:00

Despite my own intentions I have been so busy with shop stuff I haven't had time or brain to post a proper Thanksgiving meditation here, so I'll just link to the other one I wrote.

Had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner yesterday with about thirty people -- quite a mob! But the food was good and much fun was had by all. A little crowded but we all managed. Then home, at which point I worked until 3AM straight.

...no, not the smartest thing I've ever done. But better than Walmart! Especially after the incident in Long Island this morning, which horrified me. Go and look it up, I don't want to cope with so much as looking at the article again. :/

As Grandmere has reason to say far too often,

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Prayer for the day from http://www.worldprayers.org/

2008-11-24T15:10:00.001-07:00

This and this alone is true religion:
To serve thy brethren.

This is sin above all other sin:
To harm thy brethren.

In such faith is happiness.
In lack of it is misery and pain.

Blessed be he who swerveth not
aside from this straight path.

Blessed is he whose life is lived thus
ceaselessly in serving God.

Bearing others' burdens and so alone
is life, true life, to be attained.

Nothing is hard to him who,
casting self aside, thinks only this:

How may I serve my fellow man?

tulsidas -- 16th century -- Translation by Mahatma Gandhi

A thought...

2008-11-23T21:22:00.002-07:00

I saw a bumper sticker today that I love:

You don't have to be dead to go towards the light

I could go on and on about the deeper meaning of this, but I really don't think I have to. It says it all.

Cold Water

2008-11-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Happy ending, complete with smilin' dog

Mnah.

2008-11-12T11:27:00.002-07:00

Slightly frantic about the economy and a complete lack of recent sales.

On the other hand, MacGyver cookie recipe makes me happy.

* yawns *

2008-11-06T19:13:00.002-07:00

So what with one thing and another, I haven't been sleeping so much.

But things are at least quiet (if not settled) between the three of us, and Barack Obama won, and Chocolate's paw is looking a lot better, and I have cleaned my apartment to a point where I'm really happy with it, and I'm making refried beans for dinner.

So what with one thing and another, it's sorta okay.

My Life

2008-11-04T00:07:00.002-07:00

Tonight, after not sleeping the night before and spending most of the day in a terrified haze, Tim and Ray and I had the sort of conversation in which I spent most of the time I wasn't talking praying 'God, please please please help me not to say something completely dumbassed'.

Where does this leave us? I'm not entirely sure. I don't think any of us are. There was good talking. There were revelations. There were decisions, only sort of.

And now, I am exhausted beyond belief, and going to bed.

How to be Rich

2008-11-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Really, rich, I mean.

http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/how-to/10-simple-ways-to-feel-rich-without-materialistic-means/

Not all bad...

2008-10-31T12:47:00.002-06:00

This pleases me:

So, last night was "Goose Night" (tricks night-- where I grew up it was "Goat night") in our new area, apparently. Yes, in this part of the country, in my lifespan, treats night and tricks night are generally not the same day, even when the school district doesn't opt to move treats night.

It says something about our new neighborhood that our front stoop was carefully TP'd (before 9 pm!), but written in pink chalk on the front walk, facing the house, was the phrase, "Welcome to Fair Lawn!"

Very cute.

Cos, yeah. Welcome to the neighborhood!

On the other hand...

2008-10-30T13:10:00.001-06:00

Yeah...that's pretty filled with awesome. :)

Might be NSFW if your boss is extra-freaked by Old Fat Naked Women for Peace.

...they did what!?

2008-10-30T12:54:00.003-06:00

Yep, that's a golden bull.

Yep, these are Christians who are praying at the thing.

While I don't think that praying about the economy is a bad thing -- and while I understand the difference between 'praying at' and 'praying to' --

Wow. I still think this is a pretty awesomely bad idea.

You can't make this up.

Yeah...

2008-10-26T12:23:00.002-06:00

...I opened the blog back up again.

I'm kinda weary and crabby and 'whatever'. If I get in trouble for it, so be it.

Short Takes

2008-10-23T13:10:00.001-06:00

Mouse kicks butt.

Radioactive scotch tape.

Posted a whie ago, but topical now -- Screwing It Up - A Manual For the New Home Preserver.

Perhaps a bit of a tearjerker, but I found it awfully inspiring: Running for my Life. Almost makes me want to take up running, though I think I'll stick with my bike.

A nice analysis of the health care problem in America: http://www.worldchanging.com/archives/008803.html.

--

In other news, Chocolate's paw looked a lot better at the last bandage change. He's _sort_ of getting used to the thing, but only sort of; he flaps his back paw around a lot like it's wet. I try not to laugh. Too much.

Been doing breads. Not raised breads; two days ago was banana bread, and today is pumpkin bread. Having fun with it. Also, it's soup season.

Bought a bunch of wool at Newcomer's. Yes, I know. This is all getting turned into blankets, though. I have one on my bed already, though I'll be messing with it some. Love me a good wool blanket.

And that's about it for this post, anyway.

Short Takes

2008-10-09T16:09:00.003-06:00

Less cranky, but awesomely tired, due to having to put cone on Chocolate. Poor guy -- his paw just isn't getting any better, and I needed to do something. This way the meds stay on longer. But he needs reassurance, so several times a night I get headbutted by cat armed with cone.

Took Loiosh in to Get Fixed yesterday. All's well, healing nicely, apparently nothing to forgive. Rode home on my lap washing himself. Nearly back to normal though a bit clingy, which occasionally results in cats on each shoulder.

Sale going well. Keeping me busy too which is good except for the tired part. Did I mention I was awesomely tired? Triple-checking each order, just to be paranoid.

The mood to clean is riding me like one of the Loa. Desk is clean; I'm managing to fend off the urge to clear everything off of it and wipe it down with oil, but barely. Once the sale is over and I have time, maybe. Working through cleaning the kitchen, too, and I mean move-everything-and-scrub.

Traded for two huipils from Guatemala. Handwoven shirts, bright colours, _beautiful_. Still not sure if I want to wear them or make something from them, so wearing them until I decide.

Note gratuitous kitten picture atop said huipils. Sent copy to the lady I traded with, as well, since my arm's not long enough to get a picture of me wearing one. They look a little odd with jeans, but I figure they look a little odd on someone as Anglo as me anyway so oh well.

Still haven't been able to talk myself into going to church. Not sure what's up with that. Just feel disinclined. Praying a lot, so 'm not losing the connection, but...yeah. Not sure.

Pretty stressy, what with one thing and another. Money's okay for the moment which helps a lot, but Thomas is pretty much not long for this world and Tim is pretty fragile. Something else going on there but I'm not sure what. Don't think he is either, so. Been spending more time at home weeknights, giving them space. Giving me space, some, too.

Did I mention tired? Perhaps tomorrow will be better. I'm still accomplishing a fair amount, so.

Thomas

2008-10-06T12:29:00.002-06:00

This is Thomas. Ignore the rat on his head; he was. He's Tim's cat, at least 17. Cranky old man.

He's having problems. Don't know the cause yet. Dehydrated, weakness in back legs, confused.

I'm worried. Tim's worried. Prayers would be welcome.

Thanks.

Cranky.

2008-10-02T18:25:00.001-06:00

Cranky, cranky, cranky.

Cranky.

Cold Water

2008-10-02T14:22:00.002-06:00

Because my thirsty soul needed a little.

Tiny baby deer delivered by C-section

Rupert was born a week early, and with his mother dead from a car crash, doctors weren't sure he'd live at all.

But the tiny Muntjac deer fawn, only 500 grams at six inches tall at birth, is thriving.

Complete with TOTALLY ADORABLE PICTURES OMG.

Yeah, so.

2008-10-01T14:03:00.002-06:00

I finally got clumsy and Mom found this blog.

I'll admit this is a panic response, but right now I have no cope. I don't know what I'm going to wind up doing -- I know I can't post as openly as I used to knowing my mom is looking. But I did like having a place that people could find -- heck, this is how I found most of you.

Might go Typepad and just keep everything separate from the shop blog. I don't know. Not thinking about it right now. Not thinking about the Talk that is likely to follow from this. Not thinking, cos if I do I'll throw my guts up.

Pls vote for me!

2008-09-30T22:28:00.001-06:00

Etsy Challenge, in its own words:

Welcome to The Etsy Challenge. Here Etsians compete in 12 different categories each week. The winners of each category will compete the following week for the Weekly Grand Champion.

This week my Lark's Spicy Footy Salve is taking on all comers! Well, okay, it's up against four other pretty awesome things in the Candles/Bath/Body category.

I'm not gonna win if y'all don't go and vote for me. I can only vote for myself once, after all! Please go here and add to my tally:

http://etsychallenge.blogspot.com/2008/09/929-candlebathbeauty-challenge.html

If I win, next week I'll be in the Weekly Grand Champion challenge, so I'll need your votes again. I'll let you know, and thanks for voting for me!

Patron Saints

2008-09-29T14:20:00.002-06:00

A discussion on a mailing list I frequent provoked me into choosing appropriate patron saints for the cats. Am I a dork? Yeah, probably. But it was kinda fun, so there you go.

For Loiosh, who was born on or around April 26: Saint Mark the Evangelist, one of whose signs is a winged tiger.

Chocolate and Samson are brothers. I know they were born in late May but I never did write down the exact date, so I tried to choose the same birthday for the two of them. Saint Simeon Stylites the Younger, May 24, seemed perfect for cranky, isolationist Samson but nobody on that day really felt right for Chocolate.

Birth takes its sweet time; it's entirely possible that Samson was born one day and Chocolate the next. Saint Zenobius of Florence, known for miraculous healings and raising five people from the dead, died the 25th of May in 417. Given Chocolate's illness when he was little (a tale I tell elsewhere) and the fact that I could well have named him Miracle, Zenobius seems a perfect fit.

Thank you to the person who gave me the idea -- you know who you are!

Neglected Kitteh

2008-09-22T20:22:00.001-06:00

Not that he'd mind.

In all of my many posts about Loiosh (and the few mentions poor Chocolate has gotten), I don't know that I've ever mentioned Samson at all.

This is Samson. He hates you. He hates everyone in the world*. The Demon Eyes effect is from the flash, but the expression on his face? That's there naturally.

I don't talk about him much, because when I think about him I'm sad and frustrated. Much like Taltos, I never managed to do anything to improve his attitude on life. Unlike Taltos, he's not afraid of much; he just hates everyone in the world*.

* This is not actually true. He quite likes Chocolate, who is his brother. And despite the ongoing and rather loud battles he has with Loiosh, he dearly loves the kitten. But he hates all the other cats in the world, and he hates dogs, and he especially hates humans. This totally includes me. I still think of myself as his Momma, though.

Evidence of Samson liking Loiosh:

If Samson understood the web, had an idea what pictures were, and had any clue that I was admitting to others that he likes the kitten, he would kill me in my sleep. Possibly he wouldn't even wait until I was asleep.

Pets are supposed to teach you about unconditional love. Samson has, in a way -- he hates me, and yet I love him. I worry when I haven't seen him. I greet him every morning (he glares at me). If I can sneak up on him, I'll pet him. It's brief when it happens, though.

I've pretty much given up trying to wean him of his hating. Despite it he's generally a pretty happy and serene cat. Healthy as a horse which is good given how exciting it is getting him to a vet. And really, what more can you ask for?

I could ask for Samson-snuggles, but I'm never gonna get them. And that's okay.

A Guest Post

2008-09-10T11:13:00.001-06:00

After several requests I've decided to let Loiosh give his own view of weekend before last. Read on...

--

Hi! I've commented in a couple of people's journals but I never had the nerve to make my own post. It's a lot of work but my Momma said she'd type for me and put in the pictures. I don't really understand pictures but she said they look different to humans. And most of them are of me so that's okay.

Momma calls it the Weekend of Orange, Occasionally Polydactyl Kittens. I'm not polydactyl but the kitten I met was! He lived at the site but came over to play with me for a while.

Momma fed him some, too, but he and I had different food in different bowls. Momma says that's a good idea because we don't know him very well.

That's us playing under Momma's chair. That picture was taken by Tamsin, who's Momma's friend and knows how to give good scritches. She took a lot of pictures of me that weekend.

Momma met some tiny tiny kittens (I didn't). They're only three weeks old but they all already have homes they're going to go to.

I was never that little.

Momma says one of them is polydactyl, too. He peed on her and she was grumpy, but of course he did, she was rubbing his belly!

It was really windy and Momma was pretty stressed, but I've got used to wind and I was okay. I slept a lot.

That's Momma's knee on the left.

I wore my wings almost all weekend, and people made cooing noises a lot. I guess they think it's cute.

That's Auntie Dharma's feet in that picture.

I slept in a lot of weird positions. Momma and Aunt Tamsin call this one Ikea Cat, Assembled without Instructions. I call it pretty comfortable.

I did get up and eat, too. Those are Momma's bright bright blue shoes.

Momma calls this one Praying Angel. She totally put my paws that way. I wouldn't have done that on my own.

But I was asleep, so oh well.

And here are some pictures my Momma thinks are great. I don't know, I'm just sleeping and that's my tongue. So what?

I met a lot of dogs, including a border collie kitten who wanted to play a lot, and a mastiff who was really really big and wanted to play too. I arched up and hissed but he didn't get it and his momma and daddy and my Momma had to sort of sit on him.

There was a bird on someone's shoulder but Momma said I couldn't get too close. I just wanted to play! Momma says it was a cockatiel and that compared to the bird's momma she's a wuss, but I don't get that.

Lots of people petted me and I went for walks and ate lots of bugs and almost caught a baby rabbit. Momma wouldn't let me, though. I just wanted to play with him! He was really really fast.

Auntie Dharma gave me milk with tuna oil in it. It was SO SO GOOD.

Momma wanted to leave early so we did. I wanted to stay but she's the one who drives so I was kinda stuck with it. Oh well -- I had a good time anyway!

Hi to all my furiends who wanted me to write something!

A wonderful weekend

2008-08-28T13:07:00.001-06:00

I've been all week recovering from it, alas, but I really did have a great weekend.

It involved an SCA event up in Nebraska. Yes, I hear you say, Nebraska is at the end of the world and is filled with naught but corn and corn farmers, but at the same time I tell you, it is awesome.

I almost didn't go. I had a long and stressful week, was tired and feeling a little ill as I packed up the car. I knew this was going to be a small event and I could only hope that I made enough money to cover my expenses -- not inconsiderable with the price of gas as high as it is. I also knew that I'd get there well after dark, despite all of my efforts to the contrary, and I find setting up after dark to be extremely stressful.

But I went anyway. And after a half hour or so on the road, I found myself in a pretty good mood. Kitten asleep on my lap, good music on the radio, driving fast through beautiful country. And northern Colorado is beautiful.

Western Nebraska, I thought, not so much. I mean, Nebraska is flat, right?

Actually, no, it's not.

This is where we camped. It was gorgeous. I indeed got there after dark, but got offers of help with setting up and with holding Loiosh. Camp took about ten minutes and I left the booth for Saturday. My helpers went back to bed and I took Mr Wiggly Pants for a walk.

I have not seen so many stars in years. And years. The sky was bright and crowded with them.

We walked about on the plain, Loiosh hunting bugs and God knows what else, me watching the stars, until the moon rose, and then we went to bed.

Up far too early the next morning -- these folks get up with the sun! Farming community, I suppose, though I don't think any of them actually farm. I got the booth up in good order and settled in for the day.

I spent some time watching the fencing -- on a wooden bridge so narrow it bounced as you walked on it -- and quite a bit of time hanging out with folks. The merchants next to me had a bored teenager who channeled her boredom into artwork (of which, alas, I got no pictures) and allowed me a piece of foam stuff to make a bit of wearable art of my own.

He wore them pretty much the rest of the day.

Sleeping angel.

His first set of garb -- I'm so proud *wipes tear*.

Of course, then he became horrible.

Yes, that's taken from inside my tent. No, he didn't actually rip the mesh.

But it was a close thing. Amazing thing is he made it up there with his wings still on!

He wasn't entirely sure about the whole thing, so I rescued him.

I wound up having an amazing time -- the folks there were so welcoming! Even though I hadn't paid for feast (I love feasting, but money is tight) they invited me to eat with them anyway. I was also invited to the autocrat's camp for both Saturday morning breakfast and Saturday night dice. By the end of the event we were teasing each other as if we'd all known each other forever.

And I made more than enough money to cover expenses.

I highly recommend events in the Shire of Hinterland to anyone who might be close enough to attend. I had a wonderful, wonderful time.

Health insurance

2008-08-28T11:30:00.003-06:00

I don't talk about politics here a lot, because, well, it's simpler that way; I leave it to others. But this one, I couldn't resist.

In reference to a report that Texas leads the nation in percentage of residents without health insurance:

But the numbers are misleading, said John Goodman, president of the National Center for Policy Analysis, a right-leaning Dallas-based think tank. Mr. Goodman, who helped craft Sen. John McCain's health care policy, said anyone with access to an emergency room effectively has insurance, albeit the government acts as the payer of last resort. (Hospital emergency rooms by law cannot turn away a patient in need of immediate care.)

"So I have a solution. And it will cost not one thin dime," Mr. Goodman said. "The next president of the United States should sign an executive order requiring the Census Bureau to cease and desist from describing any American – even illegal aliens – as uninsured. Instead, the bureau should categorize people according to the likely source of payment should they need care.

"So, there you have it. Voila! Problem solved."

I am appalled at the level of ignorance and privilege this man displays. Clearly he's never depended in an emergency room for care when he hasn't got that magic insurance card -- because then he'd know that, law aside, as often as not they will turn you away if you're not insured. And how are you to get the money to hire a lawyer to call them to account?

Clearly he's never lacked for routine checkups and preventative care, none of which are available from his much-vaunted emergency room, none of which are affordable without health insurance; all of which are far more effective at maintaining your health than waiting until the last moment when you have to go to the emergency room.

Clearly he's never had to choose between paying for vital medication -- required to be able to breathe, to take an example from my own life -- and paying the rent, or buying food. An emergency room isn't going to help that dilemma at all.

I can only pray that McCain doesn't get elected -- lives hang in the balance, and that's no exaggeration.

Original article here. Might post a more reasoned response later, but right now I am so angry I'm about managing coherent.

What's do be done about it? I don't know. Vote, I suppose, in the hopes that this time they'll actually count. Move to Canada, possibly, which I've been considering anyway. I don't know.

But something's got to be done.

A little something to contemplate...

2008-08-27T10:41:00.002-06:00

...for those of you out there with actual, y'know, congregations.

Consider a triangle, with the corners representing God, the congregation (tzibbur), and the prayer leader (shaliach tzibbur). Which line in that triangle do we usually talk about? Bringing the congregation closer to God. And which is the one line in that triangle that we aren't connected to? Yeah, that. We think that's our job, but we can't do anything about it, really. Instead, she said, consider the indirect effects of working on our own relationships with God on the one hand and the congregation on the other. If we get that right, maybe that helps with the third line indirectly.

From a Jewish perspective, obviously, but I think it applies to anywhere you have 'person leading service' and 'everyone else'.

Schwinked from my friend Monica who got it from her friend Julia.

I'd love to see some discussion on this from those of y'all who've led services.

A little unnerving...

2008-08-18T17:26:00.001-06:00

...but TOTALLY AWESOME.

A couple months ago my apartment building caught on fire. I'm fine, cats are fine, everyone in the building including pets is fine, but there was a fair bit of damage on the other side of the building.

Today it came time to replace the roof. It's been loud and distracting and since I don't have a curtain in my bathroom and the main thoroughfare up and down runs right outside it, I'm still lacking a shower. But I happened to glance outside this morning and see this.

Apparently part of the burned-out roof was just too fragile to take apart in place, so they lifted it off wholesale. I grabbed a camera and flew outside barefoot (hi, construction site, but my feet are fine) and got a bunch of pictures.

And, just to be completist, a video.

Unnerving...

...but AWESOME.

Two Days Later

2008-08-14T14:54:00.002-06:00

It's odd. He spent most of his time hiding in a closet or under a table -- there were whole days I didn't even see him -- but it still feels too empty and quiet around here.

In the meantime, things I have learned from my cats:

--

When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, sleep. Play all the rest of the time.

--

The best way to get someone to walk along with you is to ask.

Goes for tree-climbing, too.

--

Snuggles make everything better.

--

Kisses too.

--

It's amazing the places you can find to take a good nap.

...really.

--

Anything can be a toy. Anything.

--

You can find friends anywhere.

...but okay, not always.

--

They're helping, each in his own way. And today I'm feeling a little better.

More detail

2008-08-13T12:01:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all of you who've commented. I don't know if I'll have the energy to reply to each individually; I'm running pretty low at the moment.

Taltos had been sort of slowly fading for a while -- getting skinnier at any rate, though as energetic as always in running to hide. He was always afraid, see, and I never managed to convince him he didn't have to be. I decided against taking him to the vet, because changes were it was just age, and adding the stress of vet visits and medication would likely negate any good the medications might have done.

I still don't know if it was the right decision, but it's the decision I made.

There have always been whole days when all I'd see of him was a pair of eyes under a table. He was always _afraid_, and I tried and tried and tried to teach him he didn't need to be, and I never managed it. So I mostly left him alone, except to check on him every once in a while.

A few days ago he was fine.

Yesterday he ran past me into the closet -- stumbling, almost dragging himself along, I went in after him immediately.

He still had the energy to scratch me up pretty good, but it was clear he wasn't okay. His legs weren't working right, his tongue was stuck partway out of his mouth and wouldn't go back in. Stroke, or possibly a brain tumor that finally got big enough to push on the wrong things. I held him for a bit (and the fact that he let me told me everything I needed to know) and then went over to Tim's and had a meltdown.

I knew he had to go. It was time. But he's always hated the car, hated the vet's; I was stressing him enough just leaving him in the bathroom, though he wedged himself behind the toilet and seemed somewhat serene with that.

Tim, bless him, made all the arrangements. I wouldn't have been able to talk on the phone -- could barely talk in person. I stayed in the bathroom with Taltos and tried to think of a way to make it easier on him. I got a syringe and got a little water into him, which he seemed happy about. And I got out the bottle of valerian and rubbed a little on his nose.

That seemed to calm him down a lot. I got him curled up in a cat bed without him fighting it, and he relaxed once he was in it. He didn't cry in the car, didn't panic at the vet's.

All I'll say about that was they let him go easy, and I'm glad I thought of something to help with that. I can't bear to think if he'd been terrified.

Loiosh isn't letting me get too down. If I get too depressed he bites me on the nose ("I trained him; he bit me"). Chocolate is being extra-loving, Samson's being his normal hateful self but that's fine.

I hardly ever saw Taltos but the place still feels empty. I miss him.

Here's a much less Demon Cat picture:

Rest in peace, big guy. You don't have to be afraid any more. Wait for me by the Bridge if you want -- but don't feel you have to. I'll look for you there either way.

My big cat...

2008-08-12T13:59:00.001-06:00

Taltos, 1997-2008

Come to the Green Wood

2008-08-07T18:17:00.002-06:00

I normally post these over at my shop blog, but I figured I'd give y'all a chance to see how I make my jewelry.

In the green wood you know anything that you see
Could be ancient gods in some disguise;
In the green wood you touch on the last mystery,
And you can't put your trust in your eyes.
In the green wood surrender the things that you know,
Let your heart tell you just what it sees.
In the green wood take all that you are, and let go;
Put your faith and your light in the trees.
Seanan McGuire, Come to the Green Wood

I picked up these lovely carved stone beads at my favourite local bead shop, The Bead Lounge. They were tagged as 'crazy stone', which as far as I can tell is their way of saying 'we're not quite sure what it is, but isn't it awesome?'. And I'm not sure either, but they're awesome.

And a few weeks ago -- perhaps as long as a month, now -- I read the lyrics to a new song by Seanan McGuire, filker extraordinaire. And as I read them, a necklace took shape in my mind.

It was a while before I actually got the chance to let it come out properly, but today as I worked it made its slow way to the forefront.

Before I started the necklace I made a couple of paternosters (about which more later). During that process I happened to lay the carved beads next to the few jade beads I had left and voila! Yeah, those look good together.

I needed more -- I only had seven of the jade beads left, and it was still not quite right anyway -- so I dug around until I found the gold-dyed pearls. There were just enough of those left, too, proving that this necklace is a truly karmic piece!

...okay, that might be laying it on a little thick.

I've had these wood beads for a while and never found the right piece to use them with -- well, this was the right one. That's when I realized which piece I was making, and which song it was for. The tiny gold-coloured seed beads added the perfect finishing touch, just enough to brighten the necklace and set everything else off.

It's a good long piece, too, at twenty-six inches. Luxurious, one might say. Or at least, well, long. I'm pleased with it.

If you're interested (and you should be!) the rest of the lyrics to the song are at Seanan's LiveJournal. Amusingly enough, it's part of a group of songs she's written to prompts from yet more jewelry -- pendants with bits and snatches of quotes on them, made by the brilliant Chimera Fancies. I can't find the post where the pendant this is based on (if indirectly) appeared, but have a look here and here to see some of her lovely work.

Kitten not included.

Bathtime!

2008-08-07T14:39:00.000-06:00

Every once in a while I actually manage the time to take a bath.

Yes, I should be doing this more often. It's my own stuff after all! But somehow it's still hard to make time for it.

Anyway, it was a lovely relaxing bath (in Queen of Hungary Bath Salts, using Tea Tree Calendula Soap, for those who're interested), save for one small, confused, very anxious kitten who spent the whole time right next to the tub (when he wasn't on the rim) crying at me as if to say 'but Mom, that's WATER!'.

'Don't you realize that's wet?'

'Please get out, that's just not right!'

...he's mightily relieved now.

My work area

2008-08-05T19:20:00.001-06:00

I recently finished an interview (to be posted later) in which the interviewer requested, among other things, a photo of my work area. I sent her another but after I sent it off I found this scene, and just had to take a picture:

Kinda says it all, doesn't it?

When I Was a Boy

An interesting St. Michael...

Reverb10, final edition

More Reverb10

Post-Christmas snow

LOOK TWO DAYS IN A ROW

Reverb10

Thought Questions

Long-Belated Update

It's been busy...

From chaos...

Really belated thanks

Friday

Two weeks in

Thursday.

Tuesday

Only not.

Settling Down part II: Or, A Resolution of Sorts

A house, a home; settling down.

Episcopal Priest Barbie

Another one...

Pointing out...

Gnk.

This one I like...

Insurance Jive

A little reality...

Fascinating...

This is...

Yeah, I needed this...

In the You Could Have It Worse department...

Time. Brains.

My friends, they rock.

The week

Help

Easter!

Monday

...yeah, it's Lent.

:P

Apropos of nothing...

Lent. *mutter* *grumble*

Abundance

*yawn*

Ngk.

Monday Lenten Blargh.

Cos I know...

Lenten Catchup

Lent, Day 2

Lent, Day 1

Lent

So tell me...

Wednesday Cat Update: Happiest Kitty Ever

...I had a little rant.

Wordless Wednesday

Loiosh, Tuesday

Excitement No Endy. Can Stop Now.

Unnecessary Excitement!

An open letter to his Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI

Twelve Pictures of Christmas Meme...

COLD

More kitten haiku!

Linky...

Hopi Prophecy

Kitten Haiku!

Gnrr

Prayer for the day from http://www.worldprayers.org/

A thought...

Cold Water

Mnah.

* yawns *

My Life

How to be Rich

Not all bad...

On the other hand...

...they did what!?

Yeah...

Short Takes

Short Takes

Thomas

Cranky.

Cold Water

Lent. mutter grumble

yawn